B-Movie Review

A Fond Farewell

2010-06-03T02:05:00.003-04:00

To my two loyal viewers, it has been a pleasure writing and performing the B-Movie Review. While the blog lives on, the site does not. Blogger has been good to me, but I have some goals that it simply cannot offer. If you want to check my new stuff out, check out ATW or A Little Rant.

And drop me a line sometime. I'm still watching the same movies. And I do enjoy talking about them.

Watch Carefully

In the Last Place You Look: Land of the Lost

2009-12-17T17:23:00.001-05:00

From Beneath You: Tremors Quadrology

2009-12-10T03:59:00.001-05:00

No Ticket: Drag Me to Hell

2009-11-23T00:41:00.001-05:00

Something in the Oven: Jennifer's Body

2009-11-02T11:59:00.000-05:00

Watch Carefully

Extracurricular Activity of the Year: Ninja Cheerleaders

2009-09-25T00:42:00.001-04:00

Watch Carefully

Pro-Choice: The Unborn

2009-09-09T02:37:00.001-04:00

Watch Carefully

Go Fish: Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

2009-08-30T00:16:00.001-04:00

Watch Carefully

Frozen Humans Last Longer: Yeti

2009-08-13T02:54:00.000-04:00

Give Peace a Chance: War of the Worlds 2

2009-05-30T09:17:00.001-04:00

Not Another Vampire Movie: Twilight

2009-05-16T17:48:00.001-04:00

A Movie With a Twist: A Clockwork Orange

2009-04-12T21:42:00.000-04:00

Watch Carefully

Singing in the Pain: Repo the Genetic Opera

2009-03-15T21:21:00.000-04:00

Jaws Done Terrible: Shark Attack 3

2009-03-02T10:09:00.000-05:00

The Day the Earth went Punk: Doomsday

2009-02-17T17:47:00.000-05:00

Leave it On: Zombie Strippers

2009-01-31T14:51:00.000-05:00

Watch Carefully

No Room for Second Place: Death Race

2009-01-16T07:17:00.000-05:00

Watch Carefully

2009-01-06T05:33:00.001-05:00

Holiday Special: Four Movies

2008-12-27T06:04:00.001-05:00

Watch Carefully

Another Name for Airhead: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-12-16T20:38:00.001-05:00

Watch Carefully.

Are We There Yet: Transporter 3

2008-12-06T19:10:00.001-05:00

Transporter 3

Watch Carefully

Size Sometimes Matters: Cloverfield

2008-11-24T20:22:00.001-05:00

Cloverfield

Watch Carefully

A Double Dose to Hold You

2008-11-10T16:30:00.001-05:00

Eagle Eye

Never Back Down

Watch Carefully

2008-10-12T17:34:00.001-04:00

This isn't a movie review. If you haven't seen "Dr. Horrible" yet, do so now.

Then watch.

Can't Wait for the Sun: Zombie Night

2008-10-01T16:22:00.003-04:00

This may be the worse one yet.

Zombie Night

Also, check out The Guild with the lovely Felicia Day.

Watch carefully.

2008-09-13T06:36:00.002-04:00

One Missed Call

Santa's Slay

Machine Girl

Zombie Nation

Watch Carefully

Teddy's Angry: Grizzly Rage

2008-08-22T03:20:00.001-04:00

Grizzly Rage

Watch Carefully

2008-08-15T21:50:00.001-04:00

Critical Mass

Watch Carefully

Coming Soon!

2008-08-15T09:22:00.002-04:00

The review of "Critical Mass" will be up tonight. Stay tuned.

-AK

The Top Ten

2008-08-06T01:34:00.001-04:00

This Post is Better Than This Movie: The Signal

2008-07-30T20:07:00.001-04:00

The Signal

Watch Carefully

Reach for the Stars: The A-Movie Review

2008-07-22T11:03:00.002-04:00

Hancock

Wanted

WALL-E

Dark Knight

Watch Carefully

Once More, With Feeling

2008-07-16T16:24:00.002-04:00

I apologize if this is horrible, but every good blog needs a theme song and I had to do my part. Enjoy

Ahh, Eyelash: Eye of the Beast

2008-07-12T18:16:00.001-04:00

Eye of the Beast

Watch Carefully

Don't Look: The Happening

2008-07-07T14:20:00.002-04:00

!SPOILER ALERT!

The Happening

Doesn't Make the Cut: Semi Pro

2008-07-04T20:37:00.002-04:00

Semi Pro

Is It Cold in Here: Ice Spiders

2008-06-28T13:44:00.001-04:00

Ice Spiders

Watch Carefully

Video Game Double Play

2008-06-20T03:20:00.001-04:00

Hitman
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Watch Carefully

Some Kind of Tease

2008-05-30T01:18:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry. I know it has been a while since I said it had already been a while.

You should know that I haven't left you. I'm still watching terrible movies.

I just have taken my sweet time in getting the reports out.

Well, I'm in Texas right now, about to begin a national tour with my band, The Rif.

I'll get at least one review out of the way, the long awaited "Hitman". It may not have much style to it, but I'll make it in depth for you gamers out there.

If you guys want to check out my band and follow the tour, go to our MySpace page.

I'll see you all very soon.

Watch carefully.

Coming Soon!

2008-04-16T07:48:00.002-04:00

Being a hard working college student/ soldier in the MANG (Mass National Guard), I often have to prioritize work. As such, the blog often takes a beating.

I wanted to let you know of some of my upcoming videos so you can get appropriately excited.

Hitman: A movie about a videogame? Experience says it's a sure thing!

Day of the Dead (remake): Well, Dawn of the Dead was so great, let's see what happens this time.

Ice Spiders: What? My two least favorite things in the world under one roof? Fantastic!

Hope to see you soon.

Watch Carefully.

Samuel L is Gonna be Pissed: Snakes on a Train

2008-03-27T19:35:00.003-04:00

A New Intro

2008-03-25T12:30:00.002-04:00

Holy crap! Video Blog!

The Wave of the Future

2008-03-18T15:52:00.002-04:00

Start getting excited.

As of now, I have a new power. A super power.

The power of the video blog.

Starting this week, I will review movies in person, bringing in music and clever movie tricks.

Hell, I might even try acting out a scene or two for you.

See you soon.

Watch carefully.

Worse than Terrible: Serum

2008-02-27T14:20:00.005-05:00

It's not often that my father brings me a movie.

This is mainly due to the fact that my father has much better taste in movies than me.

This is also because my father, in having an actual job, doesn't have time to waste on B-movie trash.

That was why I was so surprised to find a suggestion in my mail, one for a movie I'd never heard of before.

Let me begin by saying it was terrible.

I'm not just throwing that word out, either. I really mean this was an awful piece of trash that had no purpose soiling good television screens.

I'm talking, of course, about Serum.

Let's begin by analyzing a critical flaw in the movie's production. While only a minor detail to some, this really affected the overall enjoyment of the movie.

It was filmed in Texas (something I generally recommend, as Texas is awesome) during the summer (now we're getting into dangerous territory) and, apparently, they couldn't afford air conditioners for the shoots. Everyone, and I mean everyone, looks as though they just ran a marathon.

I mean dripping with sweat.

This makes sense for some scenes, such as when something tense is happening, but when you have two guys in a house watching their neighbor sunbathe, I really don't feel comfortable with the sweating.

Let's also address the acting. It was terrible. I'll come back to this later.

The story centers around Eddie (Derek Phillips of nothing ever again) a budding young adult with a strong future in medicine. His father, a well known doctor, has just remarried to a whore.

I'm not being mean here. This woman seriously is a whore. And a drunk. All that and she seems to want to sleep with her step-son.

Anyway, Eddie recently lost his girlfriend, Sarah, who is the least attractive girl in the film.

Now, don't get all mad at me for being shallow. I'm not saying that a girl needs to be perfect in order to be attractive. I don't believe that at all. But when you center a film around a guy's love for a girl, and he could honestly do MUCH better, it loses some of the effect.

A lot of the problem stems from the fact that the minor characters, including some without any lines, do a better job of acting like human beings than the leads. This makes scenes with just the main actors almost unwatchable.

The drama begins when Eddie, drunk and despondent after Sarah informs him he can't have her, is hit by a car. He ends up a vegetable in a hospital. That very night, his mad scientist uncle steals him and takes him to a secret lab. The father consents to a radical "serum" which brings dead cells to life.

Does this sound derivative? It should.

Anyway, one of the noticeable side-effects is a severe swelling of the face and a sudden urge to beat people to death and consume their still-warm flesh.

Basically, it's a lot like Claritin D.

As you can imagine, Eddie soon becomes a monster and kills most of the cast, except, of course, for his sweet Sarah.

Now, you might think this movie is likened to "Frankenstein", or some other man-makes-monster story.

You would be wrong.

This movie is more along the lines of Dzigo Vertov's "Man with a Movie Camera," in that the director just turned his camera-phone on, told people to do stuff, and then went to get a sandwich.

A lot my time watching the film was spent crying, so my tears may have actually added some drama to scenes that lacked it.

The make-up is terrible, to the point of being laughable. In a scene of particular crapulence, Eddie (post-monstered) goes to see Sarah. Before he can go into the diner she works at, he suffers and episode of "the swells." The make-up is clearly coming off his face. I mean falling off. I mean not attached well.

We live in a world with spirit gum, rubber cement and Elmer's-freakin'-glue. There is no excuse for this kind of crap.

I consider this to be the worst movie I've seen all year. Yes, that is something I tend to say a lot, but this time I mean it.

Don't see this movie. Ever. Don't rent it. Don't allow it to be rented by friends.

This is the most mindless drivel to come out of Texas since the Branch Dividians.

I give it a negative forty-three out of ten.

Watch carefully.

Ask Questions...Never: Shoot 'Em Up

2008-01-23T22:00:00.002-05:00

Now here's a movie that gets it right.

No pretense for quality dialogue, no characterization to get in the way of mindless violence, and no story to bog down the action.

Fantastic.

"Shoot 'em Up" serves a heaping helping of lead with a side order of snappy dialogue and more one-liners than a Larry the-cable-guy stand-up special.

Clive Owen ("King Arthur", "Sin City") stars as Mr. Smith, a nameless British action hero with no past or present. He likes carrots and justice, and can improvise in a pinch to get the baddies.

He can also defy gravity.

Enter Paul Giamatti ("Sideways") who plays Hertz, a well versed and family-oriented hitman with one thing on his mind: kill a newly born baby.

Finally, just for good measure, add Monica Bellucci ("Matrix") as a prostitute who specializes in infant-fantasies.

And what's it all about? Lord, I wish I could explain. The "plot" is so odd and bad-political-thriller-esque that I can't even begin.

The baby in question relates to some governor who is running for president, and then there's the gun control people making super weapons for the faceless goons to use in vain against the hero.

It all winds down to a series of rooms that beg to be splattered with blood.

And the film does not disappoint.

John Woo, the high emperor of gun play, made a name for himself with his unique ballet of gunfights.

Director Michael Davis makes a name for himself with guns that never empty, gravity that is optional, and carrots as weapons.

In one scene, which sticks with me, Clive speeds down a highway, leans out of his, grabs a gun off the ground, drives straight at an enemy van full of baddies, shoots out his window, shoots out THEIR window, CRASHES into the van, FLIES through the window and lands SOFTLY in the back, and shoots all five goons before they can draw.

Wow.

I'm out of breath.

This is not a movie for substance. This is not a movie for girls who like ponies.

This is a movie for beer, meat and candy bars.

This is a movie for people who don't care for plots, but want hot women and gore.

I give this movie an eight, based solely on its action.

Watch carefully.

Montezuma's Other Revenge: A Mexican Werewolf in Texas

2008-01-11T09:59:00.000-05:00

There are few things in this world that truly scare me.

Spiders

The dependency of American youth on MTV to influence their political choices

Spiders

Australia (mainly for its spider population)

Being the only trained combatant in a world under siege by zombies

Did I already say spiders?

Now I can add "independent horror films" to my list.

To say that this movie is terrible completely deflates the root word "terror". I actually had trouble coming up with a way to express my distaste in this film.

Allow me to enumerate the failures of this epic waste.

Let's start with the characters. As with all horror films of the last half century, this movie decided that using original characters would be a bad move, so they went with stereotypes. Only they chose stereotypes that don't actually exist, so the logical motives are gone during character interactions.

For example:

Two girls, Slutty and Narrator, are in a car as the monster attacks the windshield. Narrator yells out, "distract it!" Slutty complies by FLASHING the monster.

And I mean that literally. She pulls up her top in the film's only nudity, and because the actress looks and sounds like a freaking twelve-year-old, you have to turn away to avoid becoming an extra on "Profile of a Predator."

Another example, Grumpy Father finds out his daughter is sexually active with her boyfriend, Ethnic BF. He decides, because the Mexicans in the town are troublesome, to KILL the boy.

But he can't just kill him. He has to dress as El Chupacabra (the "werewolf" of the title).

The logic is...missing from this film, but I can't really stick to that mantra any longer. I'd have to explain the whole film. I'll give one more example as a segue to the next rant.

Slutty and her boyfriend, Biker, go out to the desert to have some sex. El Chupacabra arrives and eats Biker. THE NEXT SCENE shows Slutty, Narrator, and Booky, their college-bound (and thus death-bound) friend at a diner. Slutty MAKES JOKES about the death of her boyfriend.

Jokes. To cops. Who don't seem to want to investigate. Because the slut is coming on the them.

WTF doesn't cover this one.

In this scene, we also see a directorial choice that boggles the mind. As I said before, this scene follows, immediately, the death of Biker. But when Slutty recounts the event, clips from the scene IMMEDIATELY PRIOR play over the dialogue.

This is a redundancy of Biblical proportions. The audience, unless incapacitated by the terrible film (which is a distinct possibility) already knows what happened ten seconds before, so the dialogue is pointless. Showing clips of the scene is just awful, mainly because it makes us watch the horrible scene twice.

At this point I should explain the beasty, as many of you out there don't know what is El Chupacabra.

A long time ago, during a time of strife in the Mexican political arena, a man came up with a great way to avoid scandal. He created a sense of panic around the mythological creature El Chupacabra (Spanish for goat sucker, I kid thee not).

Now, I believe in many things that are not seen, such as Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, and original screenplays coming out of Hollywood, but I had some trouble swallowing the idea of the goatsucker. Let's move on before I piss off some cryptozoologist out there.

The monster make-up is...actually, let me start over. The sweaty hair ball make-up is awful. The creature looks exactly like roadkill, which is most likely because the no-budget costume "department" had to scrape their props off the side of the highway. Just look at the picture up there.

The script is bad. I'd love to use a better word, but nothing really gets the point across. I mean, the choice was made, possibly early on, to use VO (voice over narration) over the ENTIRE movie, including some of the monster attack scenes. For those of you not on the inside track of filmdom, VO is the screenwriting equivalent of necrophelia.

But you can't knock the narration too much because, without it, you wouldn't have a clue as to what was going on.

The music is early 80s synthesizers, but played by someone who had never before seen a piano or keyboard. It was so bad I went deaf as part of my body's defensive system.

Finally, and this can't be emphasized enough, the filmmaker's made the worst choice of all: They hinted at a sequel.

I could go on forever, but I really must be getting back to the real world. There are more movies to review, and most will be better than this. In fact, I'd say I have a new winner for worst movie of the year.

Let's just end on this note. The love interest of Narrator, Ethnic BF, has the worst Hispanic accent of any actor, to include the early Hollywood films where us gringos would play Mexicans in "Zorro" and "The Lone Ranger."

This film took minutes from my life, so I give it a negative seven out of ten.

Please don't see this movie, but if you must, do so with the remote handy.

Watch carefully.

On Fire

2007-12-21T15:33:00.001-05:00

I must apologize for the lack of new content on this site for the past few months.

I have been involved in the running of a marathon, the moving of a house, and, most recently, the passing of the stones of kidneys.

Anyway, I shall be returning to you all very shortly.

In the meanwhiles, please remain patient and ever vigilant of bad movies. There are a few gems coming soon, so keep your eyes peeled.

And for those of you in need of a summer flick, I recommend "I am Legend." A fine balance of old and new, with an Oscar nod for the dog as Best Supporting.

Watch Carefully.

Strike Out

2007-11-02T09:23:00.000-04:00

So the TV and Film writers of Hollywood have decided to go on strike.

What does this mean for we, the consumers?

Not a lot.

In fact, this may be a good thing. Perhaps, with all the pretendous (Homestar Copyright 07) writers who've laid waste to what was once great filmage taking a short nap, there could be a gem or two slipping by into the laps of producers.

Maybe we'll actually get a good movie out of this whole event, instead of the torture-porn orgy we've received over the last few weeks.

Allow me to rip on some movies.

"Saw IV" might be one of the worst ideas in a long, sad line of bad ideas for movies. I hate--and I use the word with full meaning--this sudden surge of violent, anti-plot movies that has risen over the last few years.

How many times can I watch someone listen to that stupid voice say, "You have a choice. Die because of the poison gas/pointless deathtrap/high cholesterol, or murder this family member/stranger/child/care bear"?

And the guy is dead, or so we are lead to beleive. How did he manage to kidnap people and set up this elaborate death trap?

You know what? I DON'T CARE!

Why is this the number 1 movie in America? Because people are stupid.

I'm not saying ya'll are, because just by reading this blog you've gained 45 IQ points. I'm saying everyone else is stupid.

Anyway, let's move on.

"I Am Legend" appears to be, with all evidence supporting, a remake of "The Last Man on Earth."

I'll make a prediction here: It's not gonna be as good as the original.

"P2." I'm not even gonna dignify this movie with a response. It's just the worst concept of a movie anyone could write.

In fact, looking at the lineup for the next few weeks, I'm depressed that I've chosen a career in support of these people. I could have been a farmer. At least then I'd get paid good money and be expected to produce shit.

Anyway, I'll be coming at ya'll soon with a review, so get ready. It's gonna be bad.

Like always.

Watch carefully.

Way to Not Suck: 30 Days of Night

2007-10-25T02:07:00.000-04:00

WARNING
Spoilers Ahead

Back when Saturday Night Live was funny, they had a great sketch called "Lowered Expectations."

It was a segment on dating videos where the client was a sack of crap, but figured you couldn't do any better.

Hilarity ensued.

In the same vein, by lowering MY expectations for 30 Days of Night, I was able to enjoy the film to a greater extent than those of you who thought it might be good.

You see, there is a simple fact you need to accept.

Modern films aren't good.

They haven't been good in a long time.

Modern directors think audiences are stupid, so they make sure the plot points are hammered in until you can't stand to hear them anymore. They plant images so obviously in the scenery that your eyes are violated by forced beauty. The music cues your emotions so you don't even have to be involved to emote.

All in all, it makes modern film a pornographic experience rather than a work of love.

When I first heard of "30 DoN," I was very excited. I'm an old school vampire man; I like my undead to be freaky and violent.

Anne Rice is amazing, don't get me wrong, and Interview With a Vampire remains an incredible film, but I want creatures without souls to scare the shit out of me.

Some of you may be confused by the term "undead." Allow me to explain.

Vampires, as they cease to function in the sense of living humans, are clinically dead. Their reanimation is the source of the Devil/a virus/the moon/ the Rolling Stones. The term "undead" refers to the fact that they were dead, but are now the opposite.

The term "living dead" refers to zombies, another one of my horror staples. Zombies (not Xombie, the voodoo variant) are rotting corpses that eat the flesh of the living. Not much is known about Zombies, and I fear that speaking their name too often will result in an early uprising of the dead.

Carrying on, our journey of "30 DoN" begins with the introduction of Alaska as Earth's second asshole (the first being Antarctica, as proven in The Thing). The sun, ashamed of even being associated with such a place, leaves for a month.

At this time, vampires (being crafty and butt-ugly at the same time) decide to have an orgy of blood and violence.

All this is great as far as horror movies go. I've heard worse.

Seriously. How many ways can teenagers find to get into cabins, hotels and other out-of-the-way places so they can be easily butchered? Or tortured by rich Europeans?

The monsters use stealth and ridiculous speed and strength, as well as a screech that haunts my ears. They drench themselves in blood and never once take a shower.

This detail I approve of heartily. In fact, I would say the make-up and movement of the vampires is one of the best in the film genre for the past few years. The effects artists really put some effort in.

Another kudos goes to the cinematographer. I don't know any cool terms to use here, so just trust me. This was a well shot film.

As for the acting, writing, story and characters...well, let's just say I muttered "cliche" once or twice.

"30 DoN" is based off a graphic novel of the same name, and like "Sin City" before it, the movie does a reasonable job of sticking to the source material. I happened to watch the film with an expert, and he only pointed out some flaws at the end.

Now, since I've mentioned flaws, I should say one thing.

This is a bad film.

It's not awful. It does not deserve such a title, but I cannot recommend it.

In fact, I would warn against seeing it.

Hopefully, given that, your expectations will be very low if you do ever find it before you. In that case, you might enjoy it for the buckets of blood it piles on.

And I mean buckets. There is more blood here than in "Saving Private Ryan." The director had a fire hose hooked up to a blood machine and forgot to turn it off.

Josh Hartnett, a fine actor for romantic comedies and--well that's all I'll trust him with--was the wrong choice. Does he try? Yes, and he deserves a medal for really twisting his "I miss my girlfriend" face into something resembling fear.

The other characters are stock and don't apply to logical debate.

The cliches are worth noting: You have the "guy who panics and gets people killed", "the whore", "the separated couple", "the kid brother"...I could go on forever.

As for the vampires, you get the "lithe and psychotic female" who is obviously the love interest of "the leader". If not for the fact that she looked fuglier than Linda Tripp, you could imagine liking her.

And I mean fugly. As previously mentioned, the make-up is incredible. It looks as though they took the face-distortion from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (TV) and hit it with a bat.

Are there holes in the plot? Of course, it's a horror movie and you can't expect people to think these things through. The characters make RIDICULOUSLY stupid decisions in the name of furthering the story, but you forgive them because something explodes bloodily later.

I warn all those who are feint of heart not to watch, as this is one of the goriest movies I've seen in some time.

That said, if you like vampires and must know if someone can survive for 30 days, go ahead and watch.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Watch carefully.

The Apple Has Fallen Very Far: Children of the Living Dead

2007-10-18T10:11:00.000-04:00

Romero is a genius.

He took the Haitian concept of the Zombie--originally a man or woman whose soul was on layaway due to voodoo--and added a very human sense of mortality to create the shuffling face-biters we all know and love.

Night of the Living Dead was a seminal piece of filmmaking, and set the standard for zombie horror.

Everything that has come since then has tried...and failed.

The only exception to this has been Shaun of the Dead which was just another example of the Brits beating America at good movies.

So now we come to this, the ultimate statement of how NOT to make a zombie movie.

"Children of the Living Dead"

The movie begins with a posse of the uninfected taking on waves of slow moving, poorly made-up zombies. A helicopter flies overhead, providing solid air support.

This was a huge mistake by the filmmakers for two reasons.

One: When taking on the slow variant of zombie, firing from a helicopter leads to wasted shots and fewer killed zombies.

Two: When you waste your budget on a helicopter, you're left with a shitty movie that has no blood, brains, squibs, actors, scripts or point of existence.

Basically, it's awful.

Let's start off with the basic premise.

There are zombies. This has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, but if you don't assume it from the beginning you'll be lost by the second scene.

You see, the rest of the film doesn't really involve zombies so much as a demonically possessed abbot named Abbot Hayes.

Hayes was dressed like a girl by his mother and developed a case of the crazies. He killed a few women and went to jail. In jail, he died.

Somehow he then became possessed by demonic spirits, but the how or why was not important enough to be explained by the writer.

Zombie Hayes captured a group of kids who were in turn rescued by a fat and bumbling policeman. Another man, who's name and purpose mean nothing, dies in the rescue.

Skip ahead many years.

A construction group is building a car dealership where the old Hayes place used to be. In order to do this, they dig up graves.

Why?

Are you seriously asking questions at this point?

So, for no apparent reason, Hayes decides to attack the town. He scares a van full of teenagers into falling off a cliff, bites their corpses to reanimate them, and then procedes to attack a diner.

Yup, only the diner.

And then, just to be safe, he makes sure they don't wander anywhere except that diner. Because when zombies wander, they hurt people. And we aren't here to hurt people.

Inside the diner is a fashionable young lad who is the son of the evil man building the car park and the last surviving girl from the original kid rescue.

A little bad acting later, with some of the worst action sequences ever recorded on film, the movie ends.

Hayes is still alive, the fat cop is dead, and the boy and girl look poised to get it on.

And you've died a little inside.

Honestly, there is no way to describe how bad this film is.

The director must have only heard of films through loosely translated exerpts from radio broadcasts received from an old soup can that were beamed from towers deep underground and run by mole people.

The writer was obviously illiterate.

The actors were dead themselves and hooked to strings.

After the movie was shot, rather than take it to an editor, the filmmakers chose to bury it in a pile of rotting roadkill for seventeen years.

I can't make sense of the choices made in this movie, specifically the choice to be made.

Don't see it. For the love of all that is holy, do NOT see this movie.

That's all for now.

Watch carefully.

Where Am I?

2007-09-09T10:09:00.000-04:00

Good Question.

I just moved to a new apartment at the beginning of a school year that seems destined to end my streak of fun and happiness.

Or, more accurately, my senior year of college.

I'm taking a small break so I can get a handle on my classes, and then I will be back.

To keep you all happy, here are some mini-reviews.

I Need Bug Spray: Insecticidal

Imagine if a horny teenager got ahold of Final Draft and, whilst watching a Discovery Channel investigation of the insect world, fell asleep on his laptop.

That's basically how you would get the script for "Insecticidal."

This movie was worse than any B-Insect movie I've ever seen. I can't go into too much detail (what about "mini-review" don't you get) but I'll the main points.

The "hot" mean girl was actually a rather ugly (sorry if I seem shallow, but eye candy is an integral part of B-movie villainesses) whore of a woman.

The cliches were so intense I actually was blinded by the obvious.

The effects cost $14.95, to include the labor of designing and animating the bugs, the program to create said animations, and the computer to run them. Yes, this movie's special effects were created by a generation one Gameboy.

The plot notwithstanding, this was the dumbest storyline I've seen in quite some time.

The characters (not the actors, but the F students they portray) were actually unaware of their environment to the degree they didn't notice a SIX FOOT SCORPION banging around their house, or a trail of slime so thick is painted the walls green.

The characters are cliched, which was the only good thing about the movie. I said the lines before they came out of the actors' mouths.

Finally, and this is just awful, there is a scene where, for a good two minutes, you watch a guy pee.

Seriously.

This movie sucked like a giant mosquito, only without the merciful death that accompanies.

Just Shut Up: Dead Silence

You knew this was going to be a bad movie when you saw the previews.

Why?

There was a nursery rhyme attached.

"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
and if you see her, do not scream
or she'll rip your tongue out, at the seam"

Drink that one in, because you'll hear it five times before the end of the film.

Not since the glory days of Freddy Krueger has anyone been bold enough to try the ol' nursery rhyme trick. You know why? BECAUSE IT NEVER WORKS!

Seriously, Freddy got lucky with that one.

So let's start with a young man finding his wife murdered, her tongue ripped out (at the seam?) He goes off on a quest to learn more, all while being the prime suspect in the slaying.

The lead detective (Donnie Wahlberg, who should know better) is the only good character in the movie. He makes jokes, shaves (though always has a 6 o'clock shadow) and talks to the dead (not in a John Edwards sense, more of a creepy cop sense).

So along the way you learn that our lead man (Ryan Kwanted from nothing ever again) is descended from a line of folk who have been killed by the ghost of Mary Shaw, a famous ventriliquist who, by the way, was INSANE.

She killed a boy and tried to make him a puppet, so the townsfolk (rightfully) cut out her tongue and killed her.

So now she haunts the town to take revenge for...the revenge they took.

In most monster movies, the ghost was wrongfully killed and now haunts to get revenge. In this movie, the ghost is a whore who lost fair and square and is now being even meaner.

So how does she kill you?

Well, unless you scream, she doesn't.

I'm serious. If you see her, she smiles and slowly floats toward you. And then, inevitably, you scream.

Then she smiles even wider (she was made to look like a dummy herself) and flies into your mouth. She rips out your tongue and adds it on to her own ever growing stamp licker.

And that's the crux of the story.

I can't explain how disappointed I was with this piece of trash. It had no potential and lived up to that sense of lacking.

If you have a choice between "Dead Silence" and biting into a burning coal, you may need to really think about the consequences of either action.

I'm off to watch more bad films.

Watch carefully.

Dear Joss, It's Me, Adam

2007-08-21T19:27:00.000-04:00

And lo, Joss said unto his followers "there will be only one edition."

Much fear and sadness gripped the Whedon-Nation, and many chose to end their lives (in the WoW sense) rather than face a world without Serenity.

And yet today, as we speak, new light sheds down from above.

Joss Whedon has (apparently) recanted his earlier wishes and forgiven the impudence of his followers.

A Collectors Edition of "Serenity" has finally emerged.

I don't have much to say, except that you should all go BUY THIS right now.

Seriously, right the hell now.

Can't stop the signal.

Don't Judge a Book: Stardust

2007-08-13T01:00:00.000-04:00

This can't be happening. I can't believe what I just saw.

Seriously.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to prevent books from becoming movies, mainly out of a steadfast sense of humanity.

Yet here, with one of my favorite author's novellas on the line, I was asleep at the watch.

And the world will reap the benefits.

Let's start at the beginning...

Neil Gaiman, a British writer of much renoun, decided to be a great man of the pen. In fact, I would say he is one of the best novelists out there today, one top of the heap with Chuck Palhanuik and Stephen-Freaking-King.

His works include American Gods and Anansi Boys, both epic tales of theology and magic in our modern world.

His wry humor and graphic visuals paint a vivid picture that stays in the mind long after the words are forgotten. I often quote his witticisms to my friends and claim to have been brilliant enought to conjour them on my own.

I'll admit to the lies later. I want my damn fifteen minutes.

Anyway, let's drag this conversation in a different direction for a moment.

Most books that become movies suck. This is common knowledge.

Look no further than "The Lost World," or "Dreamcatcher" for prime examples of how NOT to make a book into a movie.

I especially loathe what happens to Stephen King novels when they reach the silver screen. It's as though all the good is removied surgically, replaced by a boat-load of suck and bad dialogue.

Some movies do break the mold from time to time. "Never Ending Story" actually stuck to the original plot quite fairly, and both the novel and film can be considered quite magical and awesome. But examples like this are the exeption, not the rule.

But something very special has occured at theaters near you. A movie of unmatched potential arrived and you probably didn't even know.

Neil Gaiman, as I previously mentioned, is quite the writer. His mezmerizing film Mirror Mask was a familiar story wrapped in a completely original and beautiful package. His books border on the macabre and in the most brilliant sense of the word.

So you can imagine my sense of anxiety when I learned they were making a movie based on one of his novels, and my relief when I learned he would be penning the screenplay.

And with Michelle Pfieffer and Robert DeNiro in on the action as well, I had high hopes.

And this movie exceeded them.

Let's talk visuals, because that's what draws many to fantasy films. This movie has both the mundane (little villages that don't quite impress the eye) to extreme (castles that stretch the imagination to its limit. The effects are gorgeous without being overwhelming, so don't expect "Lord of the Rings" style CGI.

The dialogue was excellent, full of Gaiman's trademark humor, which translates very well from page to screen. Each character has a unique voice and a well defined role. There don't appear to be many superfluous players or scenes. In fact, the flow of the whole film is smoother than one could imagine, given the fantasy fair we've been given as of late.

The acting was, on the whole, good. You could honestly beleive most of the actors fit in their respective roles. The only exception was Ricky Gervais (From "Extras"). He basically played himself, but he was funny enough that you didn't care.

Finally let's take a look at the story.

Overall? Excellent.

This is Neil Gaiman we're talking about.

You start with a simple tale of a boy going on a quest for the girl he loves. Sure, she's kinda mean and doesn't respect him at all, but this is puppy love.

In the subplot arena, we have a kingdom where the heirs are chosen for brutality rather than compassion, three witch sisters who've let the years sneak up on them, and a fallen star with a bad attitude.

I honestly can't recommend this movie enough. I'll let it speak for itself.

I give this movie nine enthusiastically shaken ferrets out of ten.

Go on, watch carefully.

The Return

2007-08-12T01:50:00.000-04:00

Well, I am feeling pretty good.

I just spent a month training in Fort Lewis, Washington, having my ass handed to me time and again by NCOs and disgruntled officers.

Thus you may ask why I feel good.

After not sleeping for a month, having even a small moment to relax on my own does wonders. I spent most of today just relaxing and not moving and I feel great.

Now, on to business. I shall begin reviewing the scrap of moviedome rather soon. I have a little work to catch up on before then, but with any luck a new tale of woe shall be posted within the next two days.

Until then, go see "The Bourne Ultimatum."

Happy Independence Day: Live Free, or Die Hard

2007-07-01T02:22:00.000-04:00

Let me tell ya'll a story.

I went with my family to see the sequel I've been waiting for all summer.

As it is not yet July, I can't be referring to "Harry Potter". No, this was a manly, patriotic romp to be remembered for all times: the return of the legendary John McClane.

At first, we were delayed trying to get to the theater. It seemed that the heavens opened and decided to dump a few floods on top of my area of Texas.

Whilst inside the theater, the power gave way a few times--which was a great way to pay tribute to the show...but things didn't follow suit.

About five minutes into the film, right before the awesome started, the power gave out again. It appeared that a tornado--a spinning vortex of wind and debris that can be easily described as the vengeful finger of an angry god--dropped down a few blocks away and trashed the power grid.

No manager came in to warn us theater goers. In fact, when the whole building went black, not a single agent of the cinemaplex seemed to give the ass of a rat about us patrons.

At the same time, this torrent of rain prevented me from making my flight back to Beantown, keeping me in Texas just long enough to make another go of seeing the film with family.

This time, victory was mine.

And thus I saw Live Free or Die Hard

And wow. Where do I begin?

Firstly, let's just get the elephant out of the room and address the rest of the summer's film offerings. They were awful.

I mean Bubonic Plague, sores spreading across your torso, infested thromboembolisms of the liver and spleen.

Basically the worst parts of the Bible.

Ocean's Thirteen wasn't bad. Pirates 3 was better than the second, if still inferior to the original. And I'm not even going to mention the rest of the shlock that I saw on the silver screen.

What I'm gonna say right now is going to sound a little bit like gushing, but bare with me.

This movie is perhaps on par with Rocky Balboa.

Firstly, let's address the main attraction: Bruce Willis back in his best role.

Some of us (myself included) remember the great days of the original "Die Hard" Trilogy. Alan Rickman took a break from kicking the face off of stage theater to portray one of the greatest villains of all time. William Sadler ("The Green Mile") did an OK job in the slightly lacking sequel.

And who can forget Samuel L. Jackson (A twelfth degree BAMF) who joined in as Zues in "Die Hard: With a Vengeance", this time with Jeremy Irons as an equally amazing badguy.

I mean, what a freakin' line to follow.

Let's start with the basic premise.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
Deal with it.

America is under attack from within. Techno-terrorists are taking down our power grids one leg at a time, and they can't be traced or stopped.

Their plan is perfect, except for one small flaw: They didn't factor in John McClane.

Start with a fairly hot asian woman tricking several hackers into opening back doors into every system we rely on. (Maggie Q from "Mission: Impossible III")

Throw in a beaten and war weary John McClane on a rookie's errand picking up a wanted suspect, Matt Ferrell (Justin Long, the Apple guy).

Now add the most devious mind of all time, a super-techno-home-grown-terrorist (Timothy Olyphant, the sherriff from "Deadwood")

What you get is a damn fine movie, probably the best action movie of the summer.

Let's go through some of my favorite moments:

-Basically anytime John taunts the badguys

-Kevin Smith as, well, Kevin Smith

-The amazing fighting from Maggie Q vs the balls-to-the-wall knucklings of Detective McClane

-Probably the most visceral chases ever

I can't go into too much detail because this is honestly the kind of action movie you need to be a part of. Sure, there are the "don't forget the G-men are stupid" moments and a few political pokes at both sides of the aisle, but for the most part this movie is about the original American Badass and his quest to right the wrongs of society.

And believe me, John McClane rights his wrongs with a passion not seen since George Washington dropped a train on some unscrupulous British folk.

If you have never seen a single "Die Hard" movie, you still owe it to yourself to see this film based on its power as an action staple.

I give this nine stars, though this is adrenaline talking right now. As I see it over and over, flaws will no doubt reveal themselves, such as plot holes that are inevitable with an endeavor such as this, but who cares.

This was an enjoyable experience and I'm not gonna take back my recommendation.

Go on, indulge in a little patriotic bad-assery this Fourth of July. Live Free, or Die Hard. Your choice.

And then go see "Transformers".

Watch carefully.

Sounds Fancy: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

2007-06-20T01:02:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wish I were a comic book nerd.

No, scratch that.

I'm a nerd of many things, but I often wonder what I would be like if I added comic books to my repertoire.

For the most part, my nerdism factors around my movie knowledge, videogame prowess, and DVD collection, as well as my predilection toward expensive gadgetry.

My interests in movies (and the review of said items) sometimes means that I see this new craze of turning old comic-book heroes into silver screen saviors as something of a fad.

And when have fads ever been a good thing? I mean seriously, do you remember Tamagotchi?

But some movies have really stood out in this genre. Spider-Man, X-Men, and even some sleepers like The Punisher really changed the way we think of comic book superheroes.

Batman Begins revived a nearly dead series, recasting it in a new, darker image into which fans eagerly sunk their braces-covered teeth.

But sometimes things don't really work out that well. Sometimes, directors don't quite bring the source material to life.

In the original "Fantastic Four", director Tim Story decided on a faster pace for the characters and a generally cartoonish style of action. This made the movie fit in better with the old animated series than the original comics.

For those of you who don't know much about comics (I'm looking at you, Wyoming), allow me to put in my two cents.

Stan Lee is a genius.

This man created so many of the seminal characters of comic fandom that he has been proclaimed by many to be a god.

Not THE G-d, but a lesser diety.

He had his own TV show where people made asses of themselves in order to please the great Stan Lee.

Granted, it all fit in so well that the show is heading on to its second season. I guess when you have people doing super things instead of eating bugs or dating prostitutes, you get good television.

The Fantastic Four, and really all the Marvel comics, were dark and humerous at the same time. They had super villains but mundane troubles in the same bubblegum-smelling pages.

In the original movie, writer Mark Frost brought the original BAMF of villainy, Dr. Doom.

Let's just say that together, class.

Dr. (as in man who possesses a PHD in some subject) Doom (the end of all things).

Played by Julian McMahon of "Nip/Tuck", Dr. Doom kicked much in the way of Fantastic ass on the screen. His lines were cornier than a Sylvester Stallone "dramatic moment", but you still loved to hate the guy.

The characters weren't very interesting, though you did care a little for Michael Chiklis as the Thing. The Human Torch (Chris Evans from "Cellular") was a fine comic relief, and Jessica Alba was really hot.

I didn't think the original movie was that great. I think the effects were too cartoony to be taken seriously with the rest of the film. I thought the dialogue was about as bad as could be managed with actors speaking their own language.

Still, I was willing to give the sequel a shot.

Enter Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Again, the special effects seem a little too cartoonish, though the magic wizards at Spectral Motion certainly aimed a little higher than the last film. Though Mr. Fantastic still looks pretty bland stretching to and fro, the rest of the film has a darker mentality.

The story focuses on a few small details all coming together.

Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman are trying to tie the knot, but things keep getting in the way. Being celebrity superheroes isn't easy on matrimonial life.

The Human Torch is starting to recognize his position as a loner. The Thing is...well, he's a giant rock. What do you want him to do?

Meanwhile, a silver man on a surfboard arrives to herald the end of Earth via the super-galactic being of Death, Galactus.

So basically it's same old same old for the Fantastic Four.

While I did enjoy the humor of the movie, the serious moments never pan out. In fact, I often wonder why they tried to put them in here in the first place.

The wedding is a fiasco, and the future Mrs. Fantastic can't stop those tears from welling. Torch boy has his moments of pondering whistfully while staring at the moon. People make faces that are meant to convey sorrow but really only border on bad sushi.

The humor, on the other hand, works more often than not. Chris Evans has great timing when delivering his lines. My favorite was his question to The Thing about his relationship with Alicia Masters. "I'm just worried I'll wake up and she'll have died in a land slide."

While the main players haven't changed much, the new arrival is quite something. Doug Jones, the rubbber man from such suits as Pan's Labyrinth performs the body works while Lawrence Fishburn (you know where he's from, don't mock me) voices the mercurial menace.

The Silver Surfer is awesome, with his stony face and structurally questionable physique. His movements are smooth and fit well with the characters around him, while at the same time making him appear otherworldly.

Now, I don't really want to spoil much for you here. This film has flaws, and in fact is about as average and underwhelming as I expected, but in a world where Jessica Alba is willing to put on spandex and prance around for us all, why are we asking such questions as "did they really just charge me $10 for popcorn?"

This movie won't win any awards. And I mean any. But give it a try and see if you can look past the poor dialogue and corny acting.

And cartoonish special effects.

And lackluster ending.

And lack of more Jessica Alba.

And...oh hell, just see it and judge for yourself.

For myself, I give this movie a solid five stars.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to watch "House."

It's simply a marvelous show.

Watch carefully.

Small Parts May Choke Everyone: Dollman vs the Demonic Toys

2007-06-11T09:49:00.000-04:00

This review is dedicated to my sister, who is a witch and eats young children.

Sometimes people make really terrible movies. This is a fact you loyal readers should already be aware of.

But once in a blue moon, producers do something really awful.

I mean, it's Biblical.

"Voodoo Moon" comes to mind.

Let me tell you a story, because I know you're interested.

When I was a young lad (bucking, one could say) around the same time that me and my sister discovered "Killer Klowns from Outer Space," we found a little movie.

It was called "Dollman vs the Demonic Toys".

Now, I thought that this was just a bad idea complementing other bad ideas, but I was very wrong.

This was, in fact, three movies combining to make one awful sequel.

"Dollman", as best I remember, is about a futuristic cop (or maybe transdimensional) who shrinks and fights...robots?

I won't lie, I only made it through the first few scenes before my brain shutdown--that's a safety mechanism to keep me from getting brain damage.

"Demonic Toys" is basically a huge rip-off of "Puppet Master". Toys, made by the Devil, come to life to kill a bunch of--you guessed it--oversexed teens.

The last of the trilogy of tripe is "Bad Channels."

Let's see. Aliens...music videos...nurses in skimpy outfits...zombies?

Somehow, all of this leads to a woman shrunk in a jar. Really, it's all that simple.

The film was nuts, but did have some of the most randomly entertaining songs you'll never hear anywhere else. It may have been the first truly awful film prequel I'd seen.

Combine these elements and you have something beyond words.

"Dollman vs the Demonic Toys"

So I can't recall much about this movie because, for the life of me, I can't find a copy to watch.

It appears the FDA and CDC removed all copies from Blockbuster and Netflix in order to prevent a catastrophic outbreak of herpes--herpes of the brain.

Thus I will attempt to remember as much as I can.

Dollman takes on these toys, demonic as they are, in some sort of shopping center/mall. As every single character in this film is shrunken or manufactured by the Morning Star, every set is a mock-enlarged world.

Desktops and notebooks stand as mountains over the actors. Pencils become lethal weapons, and a Barbie (R) mansion is...well, a mansion.

Tim Thomerson plays Dollman, firing his laser pistol from the hip at the Jack in the Box demon as he dodges from Playschool (R) playset to Tinkertoys (R). If he made any hilarious one-liners, I can't recall them at this time. Needless to say, Jack Bauer he is NOT.

His girlfriend (read: the only girl on the planet who beleives "size doesn't matter" when the man is a half a foo tall) is Judith Gray from "Bad Channels". She plays the role of damsel in distress, getting picked up by demonic toy after demonic toy all in the pursuit of giving this movie a plot.

She fails at that goal, but looks good in torn clothing so it's all forgivable.

The leader of the demonic toys is Baby Oopsie-Daisy.

Take a minute with that one. In fact, take a break from this blog, go for a run, eat some sushi, and come back with a fresh perspective.

This is literally a doll that pees turned evil by demonic possession. It's definitely one of the seven signs of the coming End of Days.

The plot centers around the return of the evil seed, Lucifer, via Judith Gray's microscopic womb. The father of the bastardly abomination is the baby-faced doll.

But, alas, though he can pee, he isn't exactly...ahem..."equipped" for this mission.

Thankfully the Lord of Darkness has a magical spell that converts plastic parts into...well, let's just say a choking hazard label doesn't cover this particular item.

From what little I remember of this movie, the scene where Baby OD get's his l'l Louisville slugger is priceless. Thunder and lightning and a tiny smiling baby shouting "I'm changing! I'm changing!"

And then the love scene.

I'm kidding, there isn't any puppet porn in this particular film experience. Instead, you get to watch a shrunken woman kick a baby doll in the nuts.

As MasterCard would say, "priceless."

This movie was basically the worst idea out of three terrible ideas. It was a bowl obstruction in a seventy-year-old man during his bimonthly enema. It was the most powerful form of failure in democracy since William Taft's bill on pork barreling.

Basically it was as bad as anything that has ever seen the light of day.

This was worse than Casper Van Deen as Tarzan.

Some people like to equate this movie to any other cult classic. That is a falicy.

Cult classics tend to, oh I don't know, have redeeming qualities. "Army of Darkness" is a cult classic because it is, without a doubt, the manliest zombie-fest in our history.

But this...tripe, this filth can't be called anything but a vicious joke on the movie-going public.

Watching this film should only be attempted in a controlled environment, with medical personnel on standby.

Still, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to sit down and attempt viewage one more time. As I mentioned before, Netflix is woefully unable to provide me with this arsenic, so I ask for anyone out there to find a copy.

Don't watch it, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but tell me where to find it and I will do a proper review, rather than this nostalgic rumination.

I have some more material coming up as the summer movie crapfest continues with trilogy after trilogy.

Keep safe, and, as always,

Watch carefully.

Summer Movie Fun Times

2007-06-10T08:57:00.000-04:00

It's summer time.

That last sentence was for those of you who live inside caves somewhere in the middle of Antarctica and, though you have the use of the internet, sometimes you need a reminder of the seasons as you always appear to be in the middle of Winter's colon.

As I have not seen anything new and awful in quite some time (barring the most recent episode of "Who Wants to Date My Dead Goldfish") so I've decided to give you all (my fifteen person audience) a chance to change the course of Blog history.

Again.

That's right, I'm taking suggestions. And no, this isn't just a ploy to force me into less work. This is a chance for all of you to pick your favorite worst movie and have me give it a whirl.

I will still review anything bad I happen across, but this is a treat for all of you out there, so go ahead and let fly.

And, as always,

Watch carefully.

--AK

From the Makers of 24--2: The Sentinel

2007-06-03T11:29:00.000-04:00

>>WARNING<<
Some spoilers ahead

I am a huge fan of "24."

I say this in order to set the tone for the rest of this review.

Most people view the show as more crazy conservative programming from FOX. And that's all well and good, but it's much more than that.

"24" is a statement of machismo and glory that surpasses all other television programs, including other staples of mine such as "Battlestar Galactica", "Prison Break" and "Firefly." In each hour of the action-packed day, Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland of all that is badass) draws in attention like a magnet.

It's honestly amazing what the writers pack into each day (though, I will concede that this last day did suck just a wee bit).

So when a movie comes out starring Mister Sutherland as a big time Secret Service man, with Michael Douglas in for the ride no less, I couldn't say no.

Actually, I said "no" for a long time, mainly because the ratings were as poor as can be.

But now, given the new freedom summertime has alotted me, I dove into the movie with a mind set toward darkness and bags of awful dialogue.

And I wasn't entirely disappointed.

"The Sentinel" is a below-average political thriller wrapped in a below-average action movie.

It's very hard to make a political thriller nowadays without pissing off half the country. "24" consistently touches on hot-button issues such as Islamic fanatics, torture of terrorists and the ability of a sitting president to sleep with or without his wife.

But "The Sentinel" plays it safe and dredges up a bad guy from beyond the grave, namely the KGB.

For those of you who never watched a James Bond film before "Tomorrow Never Dies" (and shame on all of you), the KGB stands for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti, which is Russian for "Super Secret Spy and Torture of Dissidents Agency Which May or May Not Kill Everyone in a Vain Attempt at Covering Our Failing Country's Great Flaws and Failures."

The KGB squared off against our own CIA for the many years of the Cold War (if you still don't know what's going on, punch yourself until I stop laughing). In this film, for some reason, some guy with some connection to the KGB (no, that's never explained) wants the president dead (again, for reasons we don't fully comprehend.

Somehow he has a man inside the Secret Service, those sunglasses-wearing, square-jawed BAMFs we always see around the president. The idea of getting a man on the inside the Secret-F-ing-Service is a pretty big stretch, but you haven't even seen the movie yet, so you have no idea how far it goes.

The star of the film is Michael Douglas, who plays the role of Agent Pete Garrison, the head of the First Lady's detail, and her man on the side. His long career was punctuated by a few rounds taken in the service of President Reagen. Now he spends his time joking around with old friends and diddling the most powerful woman in office.

Now the Secret Service is not only a security team for the president, they also have an incredible team of investigators working out of the Treasury. In this case, the head investigator is a hotshot agent named David Breckenridge, but you can call him Jack.

That's right. Jack Bauer is the co-star of this movie.

Don't let the name they've given him fool you. Jackie's been known to take on aliases in order to penetrate the highest levels of governments. In this case, he's on the inside of our own Secret Service, looking for dirt and coming up with both hands full.

His mannerisms, his looks, even the way he draws his weapon and fires at the baddies is all signature Jack B. They stop having his character addressed by any name just you don't have to remind yourself that this is in fact Jack Bauer and not some stupid David person.

So here's how it all goes down.

An informant drops some information on Pete's lap that intimates an imminent assassination attempt on the president. Pete begins the investigation, but all the evidence soon points to him.

What happens next is a high-octane chase remenicient of "The Fugitive" only with less acting. Pete is one of the best trained agents the Secret Service has ever had, and now he has to use all of his skills against his own in order to survive.

Jack is always one step behind, sometimes even arriving at the same building only seconds after Pete leaves. They have some sordid personal history that serves to instigate a few shoving matches and is politely forgotten when the audience realizes they never gave a crap.

The action, for the most part, is pretty dry. The "shoot-outs" last slightly longer than they would in reality, but too short to really grab the adrenal glands and squeeze. The director didn't know whether to go for realism or punchy action, and the mix doesn't really work.

In fact, a lot doesn't work. There are moments when the writers didn't know how to segue to another scene, so they opted not to. Scenes just follow each other the viewer is meant to figure it out.

News flash, writers. THIS DOESN'T WORK!

People don't go to movies in order to put together intricate puzzles. And even if we did, we don't want a three thousand piece puzzle with half the picture missing.

One of the highlights of this movie (aside from the startling fact that Kim Basinger is still a striking and gorgeous woman of 80) is Eva Longoria. Honestly, I don't know why she's in this movie.

True, she's absolutely the most beautiful woman in a Secret Service movie this summer, but her character doesn't add anything to the plot. She acts mainyl as a bridge character, constantly forgoing her own investigation to chat with fugitive Pete about how he needs to turn himself in.

She also tries to get to know Jack B., but he's too jaded from years of pain to be interested.

I don't know what to tell you guys, this film lacked a lot. I liked the fact that it paid a little homage to the shadows behind all great men, the Secret Service. There are few movies that even acknowledge these heroic people, and it's high time someone took notice.

Granted, they do it poorly, but I give an A for effort.

This movie really needed a better action director and a few more writers, but it does a passable job of retelling a story Tom Clancy probably wrote in his sleep, then forgot because it was so below his usual standards of excellence.

I give this film four stars for Eva Longoria, Kim Basinger, Michael Douglas and Jack B--I mean Keifer Sutherland.

Watch carefully.

Cross Country Corpses: 28 Weeks Later

2007-05-27T21:50:00.000-04:00

>>WARNING<<
Spoilers to follow

I'm gonna be perfectly honest with all of you. I didn't much care for "28 Days Later."

I've never been a fan of sprinting zombies. "Dawn of the Dead", at least the remake, scared both legs of my pants off.

In the case of "28 Days Later," I was left with a few unanswered questions:

- Why would a group of scientists have a super-dangerous virus with NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER?
(This is actually a common problem, wherein the most deadly toxins/weapons seem to have little to no guards or cameras)

- Why infect monkeys with "rage"? How can you write that line of dialogue and not laugh yourself stupid?

- Why market your film as a zombie movie when the "infected" DON'T QUALIFY AS ZOMBIES??!??

Now, before you start chucking your computers at me, let me explain myself, and the directors as well.

I'm not that fast. It's a problem that the Army is trying to knock out of me. So when I see blood-vomiting, 400 meter-dashing, eye-gouging people chasing someone through the bedraggled streets of London, I get a little panicky.

And I prefer my zombies to be DEAD, not just "infected."

And slow...but I guess you could figure that from the above statement.

Now the directors of this film had other things in mind, namely money.

And their lack of it.

You see, movies cost a crap-load of money (an amount equal or greater than the tonnage of food horded by a constipated elephant) Directors without the clout of Spielberg or Cameron have to earn their keep making low-to-no-budget indies or horror movies.

This was an admirable attempt, and I liked a lot about it. The army men, for instance, provided a much needed twist. Granted, it all seemed to have colors of "Day of the Dead," but so did "The Last Kiss."

Now we have a sequel, one of the most dangerous moves in all of moviedom. Many mistakes were made before the credits finished rolling.

As this is a film I can still imagine recommending, I'm going to try and avoid too many spoilers, but be warned.

At the end of the first film, Jimmy, Selena and Hannah are in position to be rescued. The infected are starving off and all appears to end with an air of hope.

Now forget them. Those people are gone. In fact, all the emotion you invested in the first film is basically useless, as the beginning of the second is a sterile introduction to the facts of the timeline.

After, of course, the introduction of violence and gore. But that's the way good horror works.

I liked the introduction. Robert Carlyle ("The Full Monty") lives in a small cottage, riding out the infection with a group of friends. It all quickly comes crashing down, as the "infected" possess superhuman strength along with their commendable running talents.

The tension was well-played, and the acting was fine. I just...missed the old characters.

A standard trick with sequels is starting without your main characters. Think the beginning of "Terminator 2" or "Rush Hour 2". You get invested in the action, but you still wonder when the stars are gonna show up.

Without the stars, all you have is a sequel set in the same universe. It's like making "Lord of the Rings" but changing the Fellowship in each movie.

When "28 Weeks Later" begins, you already don't care about anyone in the film. If they die, fine. You've already lost three great friends, why waste time getting emotional again?

Next we have the setting of the film. America (being the big brother to England) arrives to save the day and rebuild the British country. They do this by hiring an inept one-star general and giving him an incompetent staff of officers. They throw in Delta Force (as portrayed by people who would never make it into Delta Force) to pull security.

When preparing to write this movie, the screenwriter wanted to learn about the American Army so he could create a realistic set of characters and events.

Unfortunately, after learning we had changed our uniforms, he forgot to ask any other questions and thus blew the chance at creating realistic characters, at least as far as this soldier is concerned.

The Delta operators are the most fun characters in the film, as they joke around and really act as though this were the worst possible situation to be in (both before and after the infection arrives). The lead operator (Jeremy Renner from "SWAT") leads with charisma that is restrained by common sense, almost like a real Special Forces soldier.

What doesn't make sense is the security set up by the inept one-star. This guy knows that the infection takes twenty seconds to spread to someone else, yet doesn't put security on any possible patient-zeroes.

When a woman appears who may or may not be infected, there isn't a SINGLE soldier waiting outside her door. It's just like they were asking to be infected.

I don't like the view that Hollywood has on the American military. In fact, most people who know someone in the Army, the Corps or any of the other branches don't like the way soldiers are oft portrayed in film.

This movie really annoyed me because of the gross mistakes the writer made with Army logic. I understand that most people haven't read the FM 121-88 (the Army Field Manual on a Zombie Invasion [sprinter variety]) but COME ON! Give us a little common sense here.

These "infected" can sprint like the Flash, jump like Superman and vomit like Ozzy Ozbourne.

Oh yeah, quick question to the writers. Why do they vomit? And why, if they vomit, does this not affect them?

I'm not dissing the idea. In fact, the bloody vomit was one of my favorite parts of the films. I mean, it's gross and awful and it makes you hate the fact that they exist, exactly the sentiment you need when zombies come to town.

This is not an awful film. It's not going to win any awards, but it can certainly entertain. But I met a woman who taught me a valuable lesson about fiction.

If you do something so unbeleivable that you lose the audience--even momentarily--you've lost them for good.

When you make Army officers as dumb as the ones in this film, I just lose interest. The characters were bland and not from the original film.

That said (and it was quite a bit) if you enjoyed the first film, I'm pretty sure you'll like this one.

This blog is my opinion on movies, and you may disagree.

You'll be wrong, but it's a free country, so go ahead and be happy.

I'll give this movie six gouged-out eyes out of ten.

Watch carefully.

A Frightening Beauty: Children of Men

2007-05-26T05:50:00.000-04:00

>>WARNING<<
Possible spoilers ahead. You've been warned.

There is a feeling that comes with watching a great movie.

I liken it finishing a good book, or completing a challenging endeavor. There is a peace, and a sense of fulfillment that comes with the expected fatigue.

You take a moment to look around and really see the room you're in. You savor the feeling, because you don't know when it will come again.

I have just completed a great film.

This saddens me for two basic reasons.

The first is obvious. I have watched a movie that was made to near-perfection. It's flaws are negligable and don't detract from what could be the most important sci-fi movie of the decade. I won't see anything near this quality for a long time, unless "Transformers" carries with it more beauty than Michael Bay normally manages.

The second is that the title of my site is not "The Movie Review." Had that been the case, I could easily take my time digesting this film and producing a criticism of equal valor. But I have not yet made the leap to that cause.

Instead, I will take my right as blogger to give you my impressions of the film in a different color: that of film viewer, not reviewer.

First there is the simple matter of casting.

Clive Owen, a man whom I've come to respect in his craft, plays Theo. This man is down on his luck and living in a depressing state, regardless of the fact that humanity has become infertile and isn't long for this world. His wife/ex-wife is Julianne Moore, who asks him to take on a dangerous and illegal action for the simple reason that she trusts him.

Throw in Michael Kane, who's forgotten how to act in any way that won't win him an Oscar, as Jasper. This old political cartoonist lives with his catatonic wife in seclusion in the woods, smoking weed and waiting for the end.

In fact, the whole world is waiting for the end. Women no longer have children, and everyone understands the meaning of that simple fact. Streets are no longer cared for, garbage is no longer picked up, and no one washes their cars. It's a painfully realistic look at human depression.

Most people just quietly wait for death, or take government issued suicide drinks. Many have become criminals and terrorists, just because there is a sense of purpose in destruction and pain that makes them feel alive, if only briefly. A few turn to religion, but with anger, not hope. This is truly a world of sadness, as made very obvious by the somber color palette chosen by director Alfonso Cuarón.

But something miraculous has happened. A young girl, Kee (Claire-Hope Ashitey in her first film) is pregnant. Rather than take her to the government, who might use the easy propaganda to continue their own rule, the terrorist group known as the Fishes (with Julianne as the leader) want to bring Kee to the Human Project, a group with the ultimate goal of saving humanity.

The side-plots notwithstanding, this is a quest movie to end-all quest movies. "Lord of the Rings" had a definitive good/bad ending, where either the ring ends up back on Sauron's finger or melted in the fires of Mount Doom.

Here it isn't nearly as simple. Even if Kee and her child make it to the Human Project, there is no guarantee that they can do much more than celebrate the birth of the last human again. It's that hope, the idea that something good can come of this miracle, that makes this movie so mezmerizing.

In terms of visual style, I was floored. This is the anti-Bladerunner, as the director puts it. The technology is slightly advanced, but dirty. Gray mud covers most cars, taking that possible "ooh that's pretty" moment away from this future. There are shiny things, but they are few and far between. For the most part, this movie is about reality, and the grim state of it.

In terms of realism (a term rarely applied to science-fiction) this movie is painfully realistic. Bullet kill you, and quickly. Like "Band of Brothers" or "Black Hawk Down", war and violence is presented as sudden and terrifying. People die with that snap that traumatizes you. When an uprising brings in the army against a group of fanatics, you feel like a bystander on the corner of a market in Baghdad.

The gritty and often bloody outcomes of these battles is shown in a documentary style, with long shots and very few cuts. Clive Owen runs past bodies and grieving family members. In the background of many scenes, a man might take a round and slump against a wall. The sound design is also as gruesome.

As someone who has, unfortunately, seen the bloody and awful side of war (as of yet only in video and in a hospital, b''H) I can say that the director and effects supervisor put together a very, very realistic portrayal of carnage and death. It's so much that I almost recommend watching this under supervisement. Some people can't handle reality.

But that's not what breaks you with this movie. In the few hours of film, you grow attached to the idea of babies being gone. You think about what it would mean not to ever hear a child laugh. Your heart aches with the idea of it, and then--poof. Well, a more liquid sound would be appropriate. The child is born, and it's as though hope floods the scene. No one is safe yet, and in fact most are in more danger, but that child is so perfect and fits the hole that life bleeds from.

Chiwetel Ejiofor (The Operative from "Serenity") plays the newly elected terrorist leader who wants Kee's child for his own purpose of starting an uprising. This man is one of the best actors I've seen in a long time. In his final scene, as he fires from a window at soldiers, he looks at Clive Owen, lost.

"I was taking her up the stairs and I just started crying. I forgot how beautiful they are." When people see the child, they just break down. They hear its cry and weep, so greatful to be near it. I honestly felt moved by the scenes where everyone stopped, just stopped dead in their tracks, and watched this miracle go past.

This was a great film, and visually stunning. I can't recommend it enough. I hope you've already seen it, otherwise I've revealed quite a bit, but that's what the warning up top is for.

Don't worry about being careful with this one.

Just watch.

My Favorite Oriental Dish: Big Trouble in Little China

2007-05-24T02:29:00.000-04:00

Kurt Russell is the man.

Seriously, his gritty and one-eyed persona Snake Plissken in "Escape from New York" created the blueprints for the videogame legend Solid Snake.

He rocked Antarctica in "The Thing" and even showed a little emotion in "Breakdown."

So when I was a lad (a measurement equal to ten or eleven years of age) I was enthralled with a movie that had no name.

I mean this literally. We had a VHS tape with no title that played an amazing film. I realize, looking back, that some bootlegging went on in my household (one of many reasons for the anonimity of this blog) but I won't spend this post revealing the nefarious criminal enterprise of my family.

The film in question was John Carpenter's sleeper/cult film "Big Trouble in Little China." If the length of the title throws you for a loop, just give it a minute. The film is full of 80's glory and macho attitude. Quite honestly, this is one of my favorite films.

It all starts with big-rig driver Jack Burton (Russell) coming into China Town, San Fransisco. He meets up with an old friend Wang (Dennis Dun from a few episodes of "JAG") and wins a bundle of cash. Wang can't front the bill, so Jack insists on taking him to wherever he keeps his cash.

But first, a trip to the airport.

Wang's girlfriend/fiance is arriving from China. Before he can sweep her up in a beautiful kodak way, three crazed Chinese gang members kidnap her and flee the scene. Jack and Wang give chase, only to end up in the middle of a huge brawl between rival Chinese gangs.

In the middle of a very finely choreographed ballet of death, three mystical figures appear from clouds of smoke. They are the "Three Storms," gods of Old China.

Why they've come to San Fransisco is another story.

Jack and Wang try to flee the scene, but another demon, Lo Pan, stops them in their tracks. They manage to escape, but lose the truck.

That's basically the crux of the story. First they steal a girl, then Jack's truck.

And you don't mess with Jack's truck.

Now plunged into a world of Chinese mysticism and magic, Jack has to lead a group of ridiculous Americans and a few capable Chinamen to take on a terrifying mob of demons and monsters.

Intrigued yet?

What makes this film stand out from among other 80's fantasy titles is the level of character development, namely zip.

Jack Burton doesn't need to change, from beginning to end. He is a BAMF and lives the lifestyle. At no point in the film does he act in any way distressed that his system of beliefs have gone out the window. Even when he's fighting an animated suit of armor, he soldiers on with American stubborness.

His cohorts in the movie act in the same manner. Gracie Law (Kim Cattrall from "Sex and the City") is kidnapped by a monster and has the same reaction as though an uncle were behaving crudely at dinner.

In fact, the only character who seems to realize the stakes is Lo Pan (James Hong from "Waynes World II"). His mortality is at stake, even if he is the villain of the movie. Egg Shen (Victor Wong from "3 Ninjas") also seems to realize the gravity of the whole affair, though he is more worried about his thriving tourist-trap business.

A lot of the film follows no real direction. Jack goes from place to place, trying to find Wang's girlfriend and never really questioning the tactics his friend's employ. Wang, for his part, is willing to beat the ever-loving hell out of men, women and animals to find his Miao Yin (You don't know her, just let it go).

Granted, none of this matters. The plot is solid enough to carry over until the action arrives, and Kurt Russell has the ability to make any action sequence a religious experience.

You honestly can't not like this movie.

It's cinematic gold. It's Carpenter's unicorn to the world. It's the best thing to come out of the 80's since Aha.

If I had to pick a seminal scene, one which really captures the feel of the flick, it's when Jack and a group of good ninja soldiers, led by Egg, traverse a deadly marsh underneath the city. When they round a corner, a crazy dragon worm thing jumps out and eats one of the disposables. Egg tosses something into the worm's hole and it explodes.

"It shall come out no more!" Egg shouts to absolutely no one.

"What?" Burton cries back. "What will come out no more?"

And no one answers. They just continue on, because no one really knew that guy's name, so no one has to mourn. In fact, no one liked that guy anyway. He wore his ninja costume wrong.

I can't say enough good about this film. And I don't have to. Just go watch it for yourself.

Thank me later.

I give this film ten floating heads-full-of-eyes out of ten.

Watch carefully.

Why Can't I Shoot Web From My Wrists: An Homage to the Spider-Man Trilogy

2007-05-07T01:58:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentleman, it's here.

Spider-Man 3 has arrived and the world may not be ready.

Or maybe Hollywood wasn't ready, but needed some money. Only time will tell.

Actually, time has already told us plenty. And the word isn't good.

Spider-Man 3 was the most disappointing thing to happen in theaters since they reenforced the bottom of popcorn boxes, ruining the lives of many perverted fifteen-year-olds.

(If you don't get that joke, have a smart friend draw you a diagram)

Before we begin, let me explain my love of your friendly neighborhood so and so.

I met Peter Parker in a simple comic in my brother's room one sad and rainy day, back when being a little brother meant keeping out of your sibling's rooms lest they beat the ever-loving piss out of you.

I read the detailed and beautifully drawn comic for hours (I was young, and words weren't my specialty in the brain section) before hearing those footfalls that stood as my cue to exit.

But I wasn't hooked yet.

A few years (and many solid whuppings) later, I was at my friend Tony's house when I saw an action figure. Now, comics only slightly interested me, but action figures? Those were my bread and butter.

And then came the video games.

And TV Series.

And cameos on lunchboxes.

After a few years of severe inundation, I couldn't say no to Spidy.

I read more comics, trying to discover how anyone touched by a spider could be popular. (I believe that spiders are in fact the creations of the Devil and will one day reveal their true purpose in trying to bring about a thousand years of evil domination on Earth)

Skip ahead a few years and you get senior year of high school, the most tumultuous time for any teenager. Girls have gone from scary to hot to scary again in the span of a few years, friends have come and gone with the frequency of an eighty-year-old man's twilight bathroom trips, and "Spider-Man: The Movie" entered theaters.

And it was awesome. Toby Maguire ("Cider House Rules") was not my first choice to play the destiny-fulfilling Peter Parker, but once I saw his performance as a whole I was quite impressed.

The effects took my pants, ripped them from my legs, wrapped around a length of pipe and beat my head in with awesomeness.

And Willem Dafoe as the villain? GENIUS!

I left the theater dancing, and for those of you who don't know me, dancing is not my specialty.

In fact, the last time I legitimately tried to dance, I nearly killed fourteen people and gave a young girl a seizure.

Skip ahead again and you reach the launch of "Spider-Man 2."

This time, the audience is geared up for the movie. "X-Men" and "X-Men II" already proved the validity of comic-book movies, and the first film rocked my face (as previously mentioned).

Alfred Molina (the bad politician from "Chocolate") starred as the nefarious Doctor Octopus, and by George he stole the damned show.

Again, the effects were out of this world. Again Toby showed off his acting prowress (though he sometimes makes this bird face which cracks me the hell up.)

My only doubts came at the end of the film, when Doc Ock dies in a heroic manner.

This was the beginning, and I should have seen it then.

The Batman series, arguably the best superhero series of all time (with some GLARING exceptions) suffered greatly when the creators chose death over imprisonment of famous villains.

The Joker (Jack Nicholson at his creepiest) stomped all over other bad guys, even the best of Bond, and scared the begeezus out of children. But then he died at the end of the film.

With "Batman Returns", Danny Devito stepped in as the Penguin (an uber creepy Penguin) but as he was only half a villain they had to bring in Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman (which could bring us to an amazingly awful Halle Berry film, but we'll skip that for now).

At least with "BR" they kept Michael Keaton as the Dark Knight. In "Batman Forever" Mike left and Val Kilmer (a fine actor who I shall not slander) came in to play. Val was a different style of Bruce Wayne, but his Caped Crusader stayed true to Keaton and the audience couldn't tell the difference.

However, the use of Jim Carrey as The Riddler and Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face (which, by the way, is a REALLY CLEVER NAME--sorry, the writer in me weeps for the comic) brought the seriousness of the series down a peg or FIVE.

Also, given the fact that Val was a little distracting as a hero, they thew in Chris O'Donnel as Robin, and boy did his career soar after this.

Finally, we come to "Batman and Robin," decidedly the worst Batman movie to ever be made (yes, that includes the orignial "Batman: the TV Show: The Movie" with Adam West).

The quick rundown of bad decisions include:

- George Clooney as Batman
- Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl
- Governor Ahnuld as Mr. Freeze
- Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy
- A love triangle with B, R and PI
- Some of the worst dialogue since the silent film era.

The list goes on, but this diatribe isn't called "Why Batman Almost Died." Needless to say (needless because I just said it) I was very disappointed with the addition to the series.

Which brings me back to "Spider-Man 3."

Willem Dafoe bites it in the first movie, and Alfred Molina in the next. In the third, director Sam Raimi made a wee little mistake.

Three villains.

Yes, three: The Green Goblin (the Harry variant); the Sandman and Venom.

And none of them get nearly enough screentime. In nearly three hours of film, you find out so little about these characters as to render them pointless.

What you do find out about is how EMO they can make Toby Maguire look. And how he likes to dance in the street.

Sure the effects are great, sure they even managed to work in the Spidy-Gals, but WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Wait, I apologize. I can't really use that line. It belongs to the Angry Video Game Nerd, a man who needs no introduction.

Instead, I shall use this phrase: WHAT A TERRIBLE MOVIE!

I can't go into too much detail, as this has already gone on longer than intended, but look for a review to come soon.

In summary, why can't I shoot web from my wrists?

Watch Carefully.

Muscles And Rifles, Intelligence Not Essential: The Marine

2007-04-30T18:23:00.000-04:00

Why do wrestlers make movies? Who started this ugly trend?

Looking back at such films as "Mr. Nanny" and "Santa With Muscles," I can't see where the alure was.

Nowadays it seems fair game for any juggernaut of the padded square to enter the silver screen with little more than a raised eyebrow to his name.

Granted Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson did an admirable performance as a gay man in "Be Cool," but such feats of acting prowess are few and far between in the wrestling world.

Now the WWE has thrown its bedazzled hat into the ring and started financing its own movies.

Lord have mercy on us all.

The newest "champion" of professional beating-the-crap-out-people is John Cena, a 300 pound mammoth of muscle and hate.

I bet he's got a big ol' brain banging around in there too, but you can be skeptical if you'd like.

Cena's fame landed him a sweet deal as the newest muscle-bound hero in "The Marine."

John Cena plays John Triton (these clever writers with their clever names) a marine who disobeys orders and ends up leaving the Corps. His much-too-hot wife (who gives "dumb blonde" new meaning) encourages him to settle down and relax.

So he takes a job as a security guard.

Here we meet the first of many characters without any purpose: The fat friend, aka, the comic relief. This guy does such a poor job of conveying any feeling that he's ditched after only a few scenes.

In fact, the whole security guard sequence has absolutely no purpose, except to show "how hard it is for a trained killer to adjust to society."

But really, the point of this movie isn't the emotional journey Triton must embark upon. It's about explosions.

Hot, nasty explosions that defy the laws of physics.

In fact, this movie is really just about defying physics (which I shall hence refer to as "magic", seeing as I have no idea how they work).

In "The Marine" wind doesn't blow, fire doesn't burn, glass doesn't cut, bullets are just about useless, and no physical harm comes from falling or being hit.

It's amazing people end up dying in this film.

In fact, the only people who are ever injured by bullets are the jihadists in the first scene and the odd bad guy who pisses off the big boss.

In one dazzling sequence, Triton sees his wife being pulled into his van by baddies. He charges at her, only to take a face full of fire extinguisher. Then, as he gets up, the gas station he's fifteen feet away from EXPLODES, throwing him through the convenience store.

When the dust clears, not only is he still sporting an unbroken face, his clothes aren't even singed.

There's not even a dark smudge where the smoke MAY have passed along him.

The entire film continues in this vein. It's not hard to see how folk can get a bad impression of action movies when this is what is being offered.

Another interesting little note is the severe lack of emotion from ANYONE.

Robert Patrick (the T-1000, and I shouldn't have to say what movie) is about the most believable character in the entire film, and he's a cliche spewing bad guy.

The token black man (and yes, he is token and plays his stereotype so humiliatingly that I was embarrassed) has absolutely no point in the film but to say things like "Oh right, blame the black man," or "I hate cops....and rock candy."

WHAT DOES IT MEAN? I DON"T KNOW!

In another touching scene, Triton jokingly tells his wife that his father molested him and his brother...and they both LAUGH!

This film is bad. It's cottage cheese five weeks past the expiration date bad. I can't say I'd recommend it to anyone other than die-hard WWE fans who really need the boost.

I have a question I'd like to pose to the writers: Why doesn't Mrs. Triton seem to give a rats ass that her husband DIES about four times in the film?

I mean, a few tears would have been nice. Or some form of emotional expression. Maybe even complaints because SHE'S A HOSTAGE!!!!!!!!!

This film gets a four choke-slams out of twenty seven.

Watch carefully.

I Wanna Go Fast: Death Proof (amongst others)

2007-04-25T15:02:00.000-04:00

))SPOILER ALERT((
This review contains plot elements and offensive letters. You've been warned.

Kurt Russell is the man.

Watch "Escape From New York," "Big Trouble in Little China" and "Tombstone" to get my drift.

So when Quentin Tarantino made him the villain in this psuedo slasher, I was pumped beyong belief.

I had no idea how much better it would get.

"Death Proof" is the ending title of the epic drive-thru homage known as "Grindhouse." Taking a que from such classics as "The Dukes of Hazard" and any movie with a muscle car, DP rocks over the screen with meaty sounds and gruesome crashes.

"Planet Terror", according to Tarantino, is a horror movie, while "Death Proof" is a terror movie. Until now, I honestly didn't think of the differences.

Horror usually means there will be scantily clad women having outrageous sex with muscular men before being devoured by some form of monster.

Terror means scantily clad teenagers making sweet backseat romance with football captains before a crazy man stabs them with a letter opener.

In this case, its the latter.

Kurt Russell stars as Stuntman Mike, an ex-stuntman whose fame never actually came. He sits in bars, not actually drinking, but stalks women he considers attractive/annoying/pretentious.

And then he kills them.

What's awesome is the medium through which he accomplishes this.

His car. His nasty, manly car.

The title of the film comes from the fact that, as a stuntman, Russell made his car "death proof." But to quote, "to get the full benefits, you've really gotta be sitting in [his] seat."

After killing a few women, Russell picks a fight with the wrong group. Rosario Dawson, Tracie Thorns and Zoe Bell take a joy ride in a muscle car, performing an insane stunt where Zoe lies on top of the hood at high speeds.

Russell tries to have some fun.

The following chase is gritty and intense, with some stuntwork that will blow out the back of your anus. What's even better is how funny it all comes off. Tarantino really has a knack for keeping action, suspense and comedy in one package.

I won't ruin the movie for you, as the ending is pretty satisfying, so we'll just move on to a few of the previews.

"Thanksgiving" is a complete parody of the first "Halloween", complete with ridiculous scenes of cheerleaders making out with boys, turning, and looking back at a suddenly headless torso.

It has the most disturbingly funny ending to any preview in the whole show. I can't say any more than it seems to parody an old "South Park" episode.

Finally there is "Don't."

There's really nothing special about the preview, but it's funny for some strange reason. Honestly, you really can't describe the attraction, it's just there. Watch and you shall see.

Well, we've reached the end of this double-parter. I hope you liked it as much as I did. Coming soon, another bad movie.

Watch carefully.

Now That's Just Gross: Planet Terror (and friends)

2007-04-24T20:15:00.000-04:00

))SPOILER ALERT((
The following review is in depth and contains plot points and funny moments. You've been warned

I don't get grossed out at movies. It just doesn't happen to me.

I mean, I've seen so many heads severed and intestine removed via fist through stomach that I simply can't find conventional gore disgusting anymore.

All that changed at the onset of "Planet Terror", Robert Rodriguez's addition to "Grindhouse."

But before we begin, let me tell you about "Machete."

In order to give the film a complete "this is a drive-in" feel, Tarantino and Rodriguez got some of the best B-movie directors to come up with fake trailers to fake movies, all parodies of other films.

"Machete" is the tale of a Mexican immigrant who'll do anything for money...even kill a senator.

But when he's betrayed by the mob, he becomes their worst nightmare.

They just messed with the wrong Mexican.

It's honestly the funniest trailer I've seen in a while, save the oh-so-crappy Tooth Fairy thing I saw when I watched "Voodoo Moon." But that wasn't intentionally funny, so I don't think it counts.

"Planet Terror" is a fantastic film, and an homage to zombie movies from time immemorial.

It begins with the introduction of the monster, in this case a diseased soldier trying to find a cure (Bruce Willis, who is in every freakin' movie coming out this summer).

A crazy scientist (Naveen Andrews from "LOST") is willing to sell the deadly poison needed for the officer's devious purposes, but all goes awry. The gas is released and spreads everywhere, and it has a nasty side-effect of melting skin and causing spontaneous zombitus.

Oh, and the mad scientists collects balls.

I'm serious, he collects two out of three of a man's holy trinity when he's angry (or when the mood strikes), and he keeps them in a jar. Now that's the kind of detail you just don't get anywhere else.

This movie has all kinds of sick and twisted moments. Fergie of BEP gets brain eaten, a dog is run over, spraying hot latina twins with blood, and a man pulls a boil off of his cheek and pops it in another man's face. And those are the tame moments.

What makes PT amazing are the characters. Freddy Rodriguez plays Wray, a possible-ex-soldier-super-spy who's turned junkyard worker. He flies around the screen, killing zombies with flare and landing every scene with a witty one-liner.

His love interest is the one-legged vixen Cherry (Rose McGowan from "Phantoms"...come on, you saw that movie and loved it). Her line comes after performing some pointless acrobatic act: "That's useless talent number four" etc. Once Wray straps an M-203 grenade launcher to her leg, she becomes something more.

Wray's line is "I never miss." This will mean more in a bit.

The whole film is hilarious, with cameos every other scene and a running gaggle of disfunctional players, including a mother who lets her son blow his head off.

I can't go into every scene, as there's too much to cover, but there is something I should mention.

Aside from the previously stated fact that a scientist collects johnny's bowling partners, there are a lot of low blows in this film, if you take my meaning. Quentin Tarantino performs his usual "I'm gonna die soon" cameo and, well, partsparts of him melt off.

It's kinda graphic.

The movie ends on a somber note, with humanity running away from the viscious zombie-face-melter virus, and Cherry as the leader of the survivors. Along with her is a beautiful baby girl, Wray's daughter (like he said, he never misses).

I fell in love with this film, and it disgusted me at the same time. Well played, Rodriguez.

Well played.

Before signing off I'd like to talk about another preview.

"Werewolf Women of the SS."

I really don't have to say much about this film. You get the general point.

One thing I need to mention is the cameo by Nicholas Cage...

As Fu Manchu.

Utter genius.

That's all for now, folks. Come back soon for "Death Proof."

Watch carefully.

Now Ain't That Something: Grindhouse

2007-04-17T09:06:00.000-04:00

It's rare that a movie breaks away from the tried and true methods of filmmaking.

Most directors are too comfortable with their jobs to attempt anything out of the ordinary, and few writers wish to risk their necks for the sake of something new.

Quentin Tarantino is niether of those people. His films often border on the satirical while still retaining a gritty and lifelike tone. Though not all of his movies hit the nail on the head, they are enjoyable and violent and full of witty banter.

Rent "Reservoir Dogs" if you don't believe me. Or "Pulp Fiction."

Anyway, let's take a quick look at what a Grindhouse film really is before we dive into this review.

Imagine every dirty and disgusting scene you've ever seen in a horror movie. Imagine all the guts and blood and severed limbs and dripping flesh that you can handle, and now add a few gallons of blood and intestine.

Now make that the staple of EVERY SCENE in the movie.

That was the original Grindhouse theater. Two awful movies shown back to back in dark and unsanitary places while high schoolers smoked weed and had illicit sex in the back.

Tarantino heard all of this and said, "I'm in."

So enters "Grindhouse" a double-feature from the dark minds of Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez.

Rodriguez is the man behind "Sin City." And "Spy Kids," but don't hold that against him.

These two directors, along with a host of other B-Movie veterans such as Rob Zombie and Eli Roth, put together a sick and twisted bit of movie magic that dances across the screen and shoves an M-80 down your throat.

I don't know what that meant, but it's the truth.

This film is raw and unsavory and not reccomended for people who like to eat food during movies. Some of the visuals are so dirty and awful you may want to look away.

If you're a wuss.

At no point during the two-and-half hours of madness does the film try to be serious. Everything is tongue in cheek, from the cameos to the costumes to the one-liners and reaction shots. This is Cheese done absolutely right.

This isn't to say the film is perfect. There are times when the pacing drags, or the dialogue starts to get too witty for its own good. But these moments are usually broken up by something disgusting, violent or deprave.

Now, I know this is a little bit of a cop-out, but I'm going to have to do it.

As this film is in fact several films and previews, I am going to break this review up accordingly. In fact, you'll have to wait until the next post for the first film: "Planet Terror" and two of the previews.

Don't worry, I won't make you wait as long for this post. With luck, it will be out in a day or two. School is finally winding down and free time is returning to me. Then I will be able to post once a week (with luck).

Until then, watch carefully.

Glory, Thy Name Is: 300

2007-03-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

I won't review this movie, as I am not worthy to do so.

Instead, I will say this:

The dialogue is brilliant.

The lighting is brilliant.

The casting is brilliant.

The effects are brilliant.

The pacing is brilliant.

The art design is brilliant.

The acting is brilliant.

And the action, above all else, is balls-out brilliant.

This is one of the best movies I have ever seen.

Watch carefully.

A New Champion Emerges: Voodoo Moon

2007-03-08T08:44:00.000-05:00

For those of you who follow my blog, you'll recall I have granted the title "Worst Movie Ever" to one of Uwe Boll's epic wastes of my life:

"Alone in the Dark"

It was my thought that no movie, not ever, could come to topple this film from its filth infested throne.

Last night, my dreams were shattered, and a new monarch rose from the ashes of Charisma Carpenters now-worthless career.

This tyrant of terrible films went by many names, but the one written across its blood-stained forehead was...

Voodoo Moon

I cannot accurately explain how terrible this film is. I will try, oh yes I will endeavor to bring you with me on a journey that nearly consumed my sanity, but I doubt the truly awful nature of this movie can be revealed in words.

Let's begin with the opening titles...no, let's go ahead and start with the first visual statement. The movie starts, and the first thing you get is a line of text saying "Haiti, one year ago."

Why is this important? Why not start in the present and then go to a "year later"? Was that too trippy a concept for the people writing this epic waste of time? Did the audience get confused during the prescreening?

Was there even a moment when other people--and by "people" I mean human beings with the ability to comprehend light and sound--viewed this crap and decided to let other people experience it? WHY?

But I digress.

The film begins with a group of Hatian men scattering at the appearance of a white man in a terrible leather jacket.

Let me take a moment to describe this jacket. In "The Matrix", America saw the best that leather had to offer in the jacket region. Lawrence Fishburn and Keanu Reeves walked about it some of the most BA jackets ever made. In "Voodoo Moon", the main character wears something akin to a skinned rabbit covered in black duct tape.

So this crappy-jacket-wearing man walks into the scene with an incense stick and begins tapping on the aluminium siding of a few houses. We see a wiry man squatting nearby in the worst "zombie" make-up ever conceived, except for what comes later in the movie. Our "hero" doesn't see this, but continues his worthless smoking-stick routine.

Suddenly he pulls out a bible. Now, you're probably thinking that he did this in some suave manner. No, sir. He reaches into his coat as though scratching his armpit, pauses, and then pulls out a bible. It's about the most awkward movement I've ever seen.

Then, with a few words of some sort of spell (with the camera RIGHT ON HIS MOUTH IN SUPER CLOSE-UP) he spins around and fires fire-lightning into the wiry demon's chest.

And that's it. That's how it all begins. If you were hoping for anything worth watching, you came to the wrong place.

Let's take a look at the cast, because that's really what this movie boils down to. With nothing else to enjoy in the film, the actors offer at least some form of interest. Not nearly enough, thouhg.

The "hero" is Cole (Eric Mabius from "Resident Evil") who, for no real reason, has a huge scar over his right eye. In the deleted scenes, he sort of mentions that someone tried to carve out his eye, but since no one sees this scene unless possessed by some demon into watching the cut portions, they have no idea why Cole should look so creepy.

Cole's sister Heather is played by Charisma Carpenter, proving once again that pretty girls shouldn't choose their own films.

"The Gang" is comprised of no-name actors and people who honestly should have known better, like John Amos (you'd recognize him if you saw him).

Finally we have the bad guy, Satan himself, protrayed in the most metrosexual sense by Rik Young (He was in "Children of Dune" but I don't think it matters. He'll never act again).

Now this movie doesn't follow any sort of "plot" or "cohesive story", rather it flows like lava over the standards of filmmaking.

At one point, Cole simply shows up at his sister's house for a gala opening of her new art. This, of course, never comes back to prove any point in the story. It's just for fun. Wait...no, there's no fun in this to be had at all.

Cole and Heather go to visit their dead aunt.

Why? You shouldn't be asking such questions at this point. This is "Voodoo Moon." It need not answer you.

During this ordeal, Cole wanders about because, in his words, it would be "hypocritical of him" to visit a dead relative.

Hypocritical? WTF!!!!!!! That makes no sense. Why is that a line of dialogue?

WHY WAS THIS MOVIE MADE?

At the cemetary, Cole sees a little girl. He chases her for a little bit. Then we see a gardener go into his shed, little girl hands grab his pinking shears, and then Cole and Heather drive away. The camera pans up to reveal the gardener's head, now severed, up on a stone angel.

Yup...that was some fine cinematic logic right there. No, the little girl and the gardener are never mentioned again. In fact, if neither had existed in the movie, it wouldn't have made a difference.

In the deleted scenes, it is revealed that the devil went into the little girl in an attempt to kill Cole. Why she ended up killing the gardener is never explained.

Ever.

It's about this time that Heather's "special gift" is revealed. She draws (literally, pen on paper) the future. Some would even say that what she draws becomes the future. In this case, she draws Cole's Hatian friend getting eaten by a murder of crows.

And yes, this is one of the lamest scenes ever done. But when you take ever "lamest-scene-ever" and make a movie out of them, it's hard to say one stands out over the others.

I can't go into detail about every scene in the movie. Needless to say, the cast of characters doesn't improve from here on out. Cole communicates telepathically with his gang of miscreants, bringing them to some dinky inn in the middle of G-d's country.

Each one of them takes a moment from your life...a moment you'll never get back. The biker, Dutch, is about as stereotypical a black man as has ever been written. Frank Taggert, the "detective" (I say this with quotations because he may be the most inept investigator ever to walk the Earth) is used as comic relief that relieves nothing. Lola, the incredibly unattractive mother, is supposedly the "sex symbol" of the movie.

A note for the director: If you have CHARISMA CARPENTER in your movie, THAT is your sex symbol.

I also want to know how the special effects department had such a small budget that squibs (small devices that create gunshot wounds) were unaffordable. They couldn't even get those little paintball-like things that make bullet holes in walls. Or fake blood. COME ON, PEOPLE!

I can't go into every scene in this movie, mainly because I'll have a seizure and die, but I'll give you some of the gems.

Cole suffers physical wounds for every time one of his friends dies. After his mentor, Jean-Pierre (no, there is no need for the hyphen, they just chose to have one) dies from the aformentioned murder of crows, Cole suffers from headaches. At the inn (again, the pointless inn where he chooses to rally his "troops") lives a woman Cole saved from some unspoken evil. She has the ability to heal those ""touched by G-d."

When Cole complains about his headaches, she says, "no, this is a tumor." She holds her hand on his head for a second, smiles, and says "all better."

Take a moment now to deal with the headaches this line of logic delivers.

Another fine moment is the explanation of another character's devotion to Cole. Diana (Kimberly Hawthorne from some TV stuff and "Chronicles of Riddick") apparently had a loved one (might be her mother) posessed by the Devil. Cole did his magic stuff and it all went away...including the physical form of the woman herself. Diana expresses her grief by opening her gaping maw and howling.

Not crying, no, no human emotion ever enters this singular vision of suck. Diana merely opens her mouth as wide as possible and grunts out loud.

It's awful.

Finally, there is the fantastically awful "sex" scene with Lola. When the director was asked which actress should be seen in a thong, he chose POORLY!

But unlike in the magical world of film, he will not burst into flames and become a wretched husk of a man. Instead, he'll probably make another movie with saggy-assed actors who couldn't find a grain of sand in the Sahara desert WITH A MAP, NATIVE GUIDE AND ENCYCLOPEDIA ON SAND. Basically I'm saying they are all fat and dumb.

This was the worst movie I have yet to see. That is something, coming from my well of video knowledge. If you hope to have children some day, children with 10 fingers rather than 48, don't see this movie.

Don't go on IMDB and look at it. Don't even mention it in unpleasant conversation.

On a scale of 1-10, this movie gets a negative infinity.

The only reason I'm alive now is due to the fact that one hour ago, to the minute, I finished viewing "300"...and it was glorious.

Watch carefully.

B-Movie Review: The Logo

2007-02-26T02:10:00.000-05:00

I have a very talented friend named Sierra.

Well, actually she's a friend of a family member who gets too much wordplay in this blog anyway, so I don't think I need to mention names.

She drew me up a friggin' awesome image to be the logo of this site.

But I have no idea how to make it the logo of this site.

Believe me, I'm about as computer savvy as the next guy, but this site sometimes boggles me (no, that was not an intentional pun, those come later)

Anyways, here it is, and don't forget to check out the review right below this. And then write me and tell me how to put this at the top of my site for all to see each time they check the page.

AK

At Least It's Not "DareDevil": Ghost Rider

2007-02-19T17:52:00.000-05:00

In life, there are generally two types of people:

People who've never seen "DareDevil"

And people who have about three days to live.

For those of you who are capable of living long, healthy lives with people who love you, allow me to explain the basics of Ben Affleck's curse upon the world.

"DareDevil" was a testament to all that is wrong in filmmaking.

Bad direction made great actors such as Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell and Michael Clarke Duncan appear to suck wind on screen.

Bad special effects increased the likelihood of cataracs for all who bore witness.

Bad writing literally peeled the paint of the walls in a dozen movie theaters around the world.

Ben Affleck

As I only have several hours to live, I'll make this post mean something.

Recently, as you may have guessed from the title, I saw "Ghost Rider." Shortly afterwards I realized how much better it was than "DareDevil."

Now, I know what you're thinking. I compound fracture covered in salt and ants would be better than that film, so how can it be a good litmus test?

Well, it can't, but it sure serves as a warning to any who dare take a comicbook hero to the silver screen.

So let's move along to Nicky Cage's latest romp.

For those of you who are uninitiated with the Ghost Rider franchise, Johnny Blaze (yup...that's his real name, folks. Blaze. Don't ya just love the intrepid minds of comic lore?) is a stunt motorcycle rider who made a deal with the Devil (actually Mephistopheles, a name which will ring true to all you literate folk)

One day, when some really metrozexual demons decide to get all uppity in the land of the living, the Devil comes to collect.

Johnny Blaze becomes Hell's bounty hunter, a skeletal chopper jockey with the fashion sense of an S&M patron.

But we haven't even gotten to the strange part.

Woven into this Persian Rug of a film is a love story that barely makes sense without the demonic overtones (and highschool drama club undertones). Eva Mendes (arguablly the most attractive woman in this article) flows from scene to scene in figure hugging outfits that never fit her character or the visual flare of the movie. She speaks with a lisp that should be endearing but comes off as too dim to pass on TV (she plays a reporter, enunciation is pretty damn important)

What fails in the film...well, besides A LOT...is the idea that Eva would go after old Nicky after he stood her up--in the rain--after asking her to run away from home with him. It's just not plausable for any woman scorned to fall back into those greasy, lanky arms.

Actually, I misspoke. Nick is JACKED in this movie. If you thought he bulked up for "Con Air", you gotta check him out here. As a man very confident in my heterosexuality, I can say he is looking as ripped as can be (for Mr. Cage, anyways. Ah-nuld he is NOT)

The biggest issue with this film is the villains. Let's start with deal maker Mephistopheles (Peter Fonda from "Escape From L.A."). He's about the best thing this story has going for it. Save his pointless diatribes about spirit and souls and purpose, he really does make a passable demon.

His lessers, however, do not. Wes Bentley (the "life is too beautiful for me" kid from "American Beauty") is Blackheart, the most effeminate demon ever to polish the silver screen (yes, that includes Elizabeth Hurley in "Bedazzled"). His lines sink faster than the Titanic, and each carries a very disturbing vocalization that sounds as though Wes is gurgling the soul of some American Idol reject.

His compatriots are just as laughable. The Elemental Demons barely speak, and when they do you'll have to laugh to avoid cringing. The dialogue may be the worst of any comic book movie I've seen (save "DareDevil")

What fun there is to be had comes from the tongue-in-cheek acknowledgements the film makes. I mean, we're talking about a flaming skeleton on a possessed chopper who whips a chain around and burns people's souls. When he's flamin', Ghost Rider sounds very nasally (ironic, seeing as he has no nose) and it really takes away from what could be a terrifying image.

The other attempts at greatness come from Sam Elliot (the cowboy from every western you've EVER seen). He comes on screen and breathes life into the movie without ever making a bold move. He plays the Master, teaching the young apprentice the ways of the Ghost Rider. He does this by being a smarmy, mustached cowboy, just as he always is.

I liked this movie despite its flaws, and you might too. I can't forgive some of the design choices, and the speeches are as bad as in any movie you'll see, but you can't go into a comic book movie asking for much.

Just that its better than "DareDevil."

This movie gets six Flamin' Flaming Skulls out of ten.

Time Out

2007-02-05T08:21:00.000-05:00

Greetings, loyal readers.

Alas, work has grown to such an extent that I have been unable to post for the last few weeks.

Fear not. I will be reviewing something atrocious before you can blink...or rather, before you really start to stop caring about not caring.

Until then, enjoy some sweet jazz, some sweeter Jack Bauer, and a few quickie reviews.

"Pan's Labyrinth" - Not at all related to David Bowie's "Labyrinth," which involved a lot of crotch-hugging pants and song. This movie is magical and terrifying. Not for kids, nor girlfriends with squeamish tendencies. I highly recommend anyone with a fantasy bone go into it, and if you just like a well told story come on by as well. One of my favorite films this year.

"Flyboys" - World War I is the oft forgotten "war to end all wars." In this cookie-cutter war movie, James Franco plays a Texas rancher who gets on the wrong side of the law when the Taxman (one of Batman's greatest nemesi) takes the family farm. He flits away to France (how...no one will ever know. I'm guessing it was pretty easy to cross the Atlantic into France, what with that whole Unrestricted Submarine Warfare happening and all) and joined the Lafayette air wing, a group of crazy American pilots. As you can imagine, there is a bad ass veteran, a man too scared to fly, the rich boy and the token black character...they even work in a love interest. This movie is as predictable as it is enjoyable. Go ahead. One sinful glimpse won't kill ya.

"Species II" - Under no circumstances should anyone see this. If you thought they blew it the first time, just imagine how horribly the filmmakers of this flop worked to ruin the carreers of several up and comers. Michael Madsen reprises his role as the same shmuck from the last film who doesn't know when to quit. The only good thing in this movie (besides the end credits) is Mykelti Williamson (Gump from "Forrest Gump"). But even his wry humor and ability to act can't save this epic waste of time.

"Spirited Away" - Anime is not for everyone. If you are part of the stonehearted group that truly hates the cel shade and ink shmear, turn away. For the rest of you, this movie is fantastic. I can't recommend it strongly enough. This is a work of art that comes to life and brings you along for the ride. If you have never seen Japanime before, make this your first (or "Akira").

That's all for now. I hope to be back soon with a real post.

One Mother of a Migrane: Pumpkinhead

2007-01-21T21:10:00.000-05:00

A while ago I watched a movie called "Darkness Falls."

It was, without a doubt, one of the worst things I have ever seen.

I could go on for ages about the hackneyed acting or the tear-worthy special effects, but all I need to clearly demonstrate the caliber of this film is to reveal the villain.

Are you ready?

The Tooth Fairy.

I'm just gonna let that one sit for a bit.

....
....
....

Someone actually pitched that idea. There was a meeting, and people tossed around things like, "what if the Easter Bunny goes on a rampage?" And then someone had to point out that they did that last fall.

And then, silence. A lone figure stands at the end of the table, his eyes glowing with the greatest idea that ever happened to anyone ever.

In a voice almost inaudible over the sound of reverence, he whispers: "The Tooth Fairy."

For an entire day, no one moves. Finally, the big boss man shoves his chair aside in a gruff manner. Most think he is about to chastise the idiot savant. But then, in a scene of pure Hollywood, he begins the finest tradition of all films. He starts a slow clap.

Now I'm sure this isn't exactly how it all went down, but that about gets the idea.

This movie was made with a sizable budget. People were paid for it, and promotional events were held in its honor. Does that not blow your friggin mind?

We live in a different era, where film writers have lost all sense of originality (save the genius behind "Pan's Labyrinth" who ought to receive a medal for kicking ass and taking names in the sense of magical adventure).

How many remakes of old Asian horror films to we have to slough through before something new comes along?

Why are we rehashing old franchises and cartoon shows?

Why won't Peter Jackson admit he went a little bit overboard with the LOTR trilogy and make the "Hobbit" with my sister as dramatic advisor (and yes, she can have a beating-stick with which to ensure loyalty to the text)?

But back in the 80's, when life was sweet and fashion non-existent, horror movies carried new and interesting characters brimming with storylines yet untold.

Freddy rose from the ashes of our dreams with a bladed-hand.

Jason emerged from the depths of a lake to deal out his own brand of bloody justice.

And one creature stepped forward to right the wrongs of the backwater folk of Hicksville, USA.

That demon was Pumpkinhead.

...

I actually never saw the original "Pumpkinhead" until just recently. I'd seen the Punky Bruster version, i.e. number two, but I never knew what to make of the whole thing. A demon with a head shaped like a pumpkin went around tearing kids limb-from-limb for no apparent reason.

Maybe it's because I grew up with such plot-oriented horror, like "Child's Play," but throughout the run of "Pumpkinhead 2: Bloodwings" (not to be confused with the KFC tie-in, Pumpkinhead Buffalo Wings) I found myself deeply dissatisfied.

Now, upon revisiting the beginning of this monstrous opus, I realize exactly what was missing from the sequel:

Heart.

There is a deep and serious story playing out behind the scenes of this monster-from-hell-out-to-kill-horny-teenagers movie.

And yes, I am pulling your leg.

Lance Henriksen ("Aliens") plays creepy farmer Ed Harley. He's a bit "too close" to his son, with lots of affection directed in ways I'd rather not elaborate on in a PG film BLOG. One day, city folk come into town to practice some hardcore biking...right next to Ed's shop.

While Ed goes to get some feed for a farmin' buddy, his son goes a-chasin' after the dog, Gypsy. As luck would have it, he gets run over by one of the kids on a bike.

But this kid already has a record, and he's been drinking since about noon-thirty. And he's so wild, no one can handle him.

Ed comes back from a happy drive to find his son dead and the killers off on the lam, trying to hide in a cabin in the middle of Hicksville...with the friends and family of the boy they just killed.

These kids aren't really packing too much in the brains department. Some would say they aren't playing with a full deck. I assess they brought the card box and forgot the cards.

Ed tracks down Old Lady Haggis (yes, the sumptuous Scottish dish involving sheep intestines and manly chest hair) and begs she help him get some sort of vengeance.

He does this without a hint of emotion, because Lance Henriksen is too badass for any wussy tears.

Haggis tells him of a pumpkin patch where evil grows. And thus our tale introduces the titular demon: Pumpkinhead.

Now...I can't actually explain what this thing looks like, except that its head does indeed resemble the gigantic orange vegetable. The creature itself is one of Stan Winston's creations, the FX genius behind such greats as "Terminator", "The Thing", and "Dracula's Dog."

So, while it looks like the next logical step for Michael Jackson, it moves with a grace only Stan's team can produce.

The disposables in this are...well, just that. Aside from John D'Aquino (A "JAG" regular) no one made it out of this film alive.

These kids have no emotional stability. In one scene, they can curse each other out and prepare for epic blood rivalries, and then forget it all to have lunch in the next. One girl becomes religious after watching the little boy get steamrolled, and by "religious" I mean she goes insane and quotes the bible.

Also, as with most monster films, these people are BLIND AS EYELESS BATS WITH SEVERE MENTAL DISABILITIES. I can't count how many times I asked the TV "why can't you see the monster EATING YOUR FRIEND not FIVE FEET from you?"

Alas, no one answered me but Pumpkinhead himself, whose only response was to eat more brainless children.

Had the beast of this film been a zombie, it would have been sorely in want of a good meal.

At the end of the film, nothing is answered, but you won't ask any questions. Back in the 80s this was something, perhaps a statement of the filmmakers on socio-economic freedom in the fictional South. Today, it's just another B-movie with nothing to show.

I've decided to create a ranking system that will be easier to interpret. Remember that my opinion is just that, and you can't always go on the word of a man who's actually seen "House of the Dead" twice. My brain has been permanently altered.

So from now on, a 10 will be a film I'd recommend renting, as one should never own too many of these types of movies (and please don't ask me how many I own, it's just sad). A 5 will be a movie that is very bad, but still funny as hell to watch, mainly due to its awful nature.

A 1...well, let's just say that I will always warn about the effects of a 1 on your psyche.

"Pumpkinhead" with Lance "The Snake Man" Henriksen gets a 5 out of 10.

Now I've got work calling me that was supposed to be done hours ago, so I'd better get to procrastinating.

Watch carefully.

Feeling Reaped: The Brothers Grimm

2007-01-16T20:31:00.000-05:00

Camp can be a good thing.

I'm saying this from a very camp-oriented perspective. I enjoy movies that relish in the styles of the B-movie glory days.

"The Lost World," in all its claymation splendor.

"The Boondock Saints," arguably the best action-ish film...ever.

"Serenity," Joss Whedon reminding us all why he is, in fact, the fifth coming of our Lord, Gilgaminad.

So I often enjoy movies that embrace their roots and really let the cheese flow all over the place.

A little while ago--about a week to be precise--I took a look at a film that embodies the ancient ideals.

"The Brothers Grimm."

Some of you--by which I mean everyone under the age of 409--have heard of the Grimm Brothers' fairytales. Some of these include "Snow White," "Hansel and Gretel," and "Rapunzel."

You know, those cult classics from the age before TV. You know, back when people hadn't yet invented fun and had to make do sitting around telling stories or (shudder) reading.

These stories scared the bejesus out of just about everyone, because they were (you guessed it) rather grim in nature.

"The Brothers Grimm" plays upon this in a very interesting way.

Yes, I did say "interesting", which isn't to say "good" or "worth seeing."

Let's start with the roster.

Matt Damon (go ahead, do the "Team America" thing) plays Wilhelm, the older and more money-oriented brother. Heath Ledger (that heartthrob...oh, girls go ahead and swoon. I'll be in the corner dying inside) plays the idealistic Jacob. Together they are the brains behind a con game that covers most of Europe.

The funniest part of this movie happens in the first five minutes, which is why I feel no shame in ruining it for you.

As you may (or may not, it's your right) know, the Grimm brothers were German, which would ordinarily classify them as either Nazis or fascists--or both. But this film is set around the 1800s, where Germany is just another player in the European empire-garden.

The first scene is a quick introduction of Will and Jacob as brothers who don't-quite-get-along. Then it's on to "present day" in "FRENCH OCCUPIED GERMANY."

I'm going to give you a space to let that sink in.

(sink sink sink)

It made me laugh, too.

The problem is that, after that quite clever line, the movie drops down below the radar.

There are some special effects, but they don't break any ground. I think the most amazing thing done is the nationality swap for Peter Stormare, who trades in his Eastern European accent for a nice, fluid French one.

Jonathan Pryce (the wig-headed governor from "Pirates of the Caribbean") plays a French general, which is amusing in its own right. He pulls it off well, and it's a testament to his ability as an actor to pull off such duality. Unfortunately, it's not nearly enough to save this film.

Monica Bellucci (perhaps the most amazingly attractive woman ever to appear in sci-fi) plays the evil witch-queen of the region. Her make-up (slash ugly-double) is fantastic, but her role is so insignificant that you'll barely notice her as she appears on screens, says her page of dialogue, and dies un-spectacularly.

Lena Heady (A Kera Knightly look-a-like) plays Angelika, the sultry woods-lovin-gal who falls for...well, that's hard to say. No one really "gets the girl" in this film, and both brothers express similar interest in her. She kisses both. I mean...it's enough to make any man guess as to her intentions.

The general idea of this film is that, after conning most of Europe into paying them as demon-slayers, the Brothers Grimm are nabbed by the French (evil and wussy at the same time) and forced to find out about another supposed con.

But this time the magic is real.

The inside jokes are abound, such as the old woman offering beautiful girls apples; a young child in a red riding-hood; Hansel and Gretel...the list goes on. There's even a gingerbread man...who eats little girls' faces.

It's a pleasant yarn, but the overall idea isn't very well fleshed out.

It's hard not to like this movie. Matt and Heath really play out well on camera, especially now that Mr. Damon has fully shed his skin to grow from that pretty boy in "Good Will Hunting" to the BAMF in "Bourne Identity." Heath too comes off as more than just a lure for the tween-age lady-types.

As they go about their travels, their banter really does sound like siblings arguing over what is real and what is just "magic beans." In another poke at the idea of the Grimm Brothers, Heath is constantly jotting down notes about the various witches and goblins the townsfolk believe in, which we all know will later turn into the fairytales we grew up with.

Clever? Not nearly enough.

The "love" interest, Heady, isn't attractive enough to really win over the male audience, even if her Kera Knightly look-at-how-pursed-my-lips-can-be-and-yet-I-can-still-speak impression is spot on. Monica comes in too little too late at the end of the film and the only other women involved in the plotline are 10-12 years old.

As far as bad movies go, it's missing that essential visual appeal, the T n' A.

This movie wasn't as bad as many of the films I've seen, but it doesn't deserve much more credit. The writers missed out on making a truly funny piece with unique humor and instead went with an easily forgettable mess that barely holds together to the last line.

I'm trying to shy away from ratings that make no sense (in my not so subtle effort to one day review good movies and thus become an actual movie reviewer rather than the cinematic equivalent of a canary in a coal mine) but this one came so easily that I had to run with it.

Watching this movie is like hanging-out-with-Kera Knightly-on-a-fine-afternoon-only-to-have-rain-wash-away-pounds-of-make-up-to-reveal-Lena-Heady-instead. You start out with high hopes, but the reality is just plain disappointing.

Now I'm off to watch...more crap, I guess. See what I do for you people? And all you give me are complaints that I don't spell check enough...sigh.

No respect.

Watch carefully.

The Anti-Chick Flick: The Descent

2007-01-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

For those of you who follow my blog, you may remember that I have a theory about movies.

Most films come in pairs.

For "Armageddon", there was :"Deep Impact."

For "DaVinci Code," there was "National Treasure."

For "The Hills Have Eyes," there was "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

You get the idea.

So I was shocked at my own surprise when I learned that a recent review, "The Cave", had its own twin:

"The Descent."

This was a bold movie. for a few reasons.

The first is an all-female cast.

As any good horror buff knows, women usually serve one of two purposes in a film:

A love interest who is cosntantly running away from and into danger.

or

A friend who remains upbeat until the monster/psycho kills her.

Rarely does Jamie Lee Curtis show up as the heroine.

So it's quite a powerful move to remove testosterone from the cinematic equation.

This film begins with a veritable "we, who are about to die, salute you" introduction. Three girls travel down some rapids whilst the family watches on. After surviving the lackluster water, the girls head on home. But tragedy is only a turn away.

Since the husband of the heroine, Sarah (I'm not gonna bother giving you an actress's name here--all these girls are UK gals and really just up-and-comers), is obviously cheating with the oh-so-hot Juno, he is distracted and crashes into another car.

A car carrying javellines.

While we only see a pole go through dear hubby's head (and yes, we really get a nice shot of that one), we are left to assume that the little girl gets shishka-bobbed as well.

Sarah awakens in a hospital after a BIZARRE dream involving a birthday cake. And thus our tale begins.

Now this is where it all gets...out of place. You see, most horror films use the following techniques to stimulate the audience:

Sound--scary music and sound effects (not to include "The Grudge" and its use of the death rattle)

Lighting--the darker the better (hence a cave being a nice little place to die in horror movies)

And of course, creepy visions and hallucinations, especially those involving a child's laugh.

Now, I hate to go on a tangent (actually, I love it above all things, but you have to say "I hate" in order to keep up the impression that this whole thing isn't really an ego trip for me) but I need to ask: Why is it that a child's laughter is the scariest damned thing on earth?

I mean, aren't children supposed to be cute and represent absolute trust and love?

Since when are they the scariest demons and make you want to ram an ice pick through their puppy dog eyes?

,,,,

OK, let's forget that last remark.

Never happened, wasn't typed, never thought it while on a subway in New York and some freaky kid with too-blue eyes was staring into my soul and whispering the words of THE BEAST!

Sarah and her friend Beth (not a severe hottie like Juno, but quite funny in a I'm-so-British-and-posh-yet-cheeky-as-well kind of way) go to meet Juno in America with some of their other friends.

This is the part of the movie generally called "Getting to know your disposables."

What makes this segment seperate from other films in the genre is the lack of scare tactics. Nothing jumps out, no music queues up to facilitate the crawling of skin...nothing.

It's like a chick-flick snuck into the editing room and mated with the original production.

Ignore the unintentional erotisicm.

This tone-base confusion actually works in the film's favor, setting up the scares later on. I enjoyed the bland lighting and rather quaint dialogue.

Granted the "Blair Witch" style plot twist came so fast you could almost have written it yourself. And the cheap jump scares start to pile up around the time they get to the first big cavern. I guess, about 40 minutes into the movie, its true colors begin to bleed through.

This is a B-movie, and don't forget that. When the writer/director Niel Marshall (of "Dog Soldier" fame) came up with the idea, he wanted "men in suits".

And well....wow.

In the lackluster "The Cave", men were infected by a parasite that caused Batitis, or a complete and speedy mutation into a bat-man-thing.

In "The Descent", cavemen (yes...grunting, club wielding cavemen) became albino-toothed-crazy-men after only a few thousand years in a cave.

And boy do they like to eat people.

Before I go any further, I want to share a tidbit from the DVD. You see, master Marshall wanted his girls to really be scared of the creatures when they first interacted with them. The movie was shot almost in sequence (quite a feat in this day and age), so the scene where they encounter the bat-men happened after many double-take moments of "did we just see that?"

The director had his actors-in-suits hide in the scenery before the girls got on set, filmed a relatively tame scene, and then told the girls a monster had been there with them.

When they finally meet the creatures, the actor really snuck up on them, popped up into their faces, and sent the girls screaming off set.

Damn fine stuff.

Anyways, these are the silliest looking things ever. If you read "Weekly World News" (and I know some of you do) you'll recognize them as Batboy's closest cousins.

The actors inside the suits move very well, and it actually looks...creepy, in a Gollum-slept-with-a-reject-from-the-circus kind of way.

Juno (who is hot, for those of you who haven't followed so far) lied to her friends and took them to a secret cave no one else knows about, so when they inevitably get stuck after a cave-in, they must rely on their fracturing friendship to get them out.

The monsters really just add to the fun.

Using an all female cast means having horrible things happen to women, which is hard to watch. Call me old fashioned; I can take having some dude impaled on ineptly placed poles during a car accident, but watching a purdy girl lose her face to some buck-fanged bat-abortion really irks.

Since Sarah is lost her daughter and husband a year earlier, she's a little bit...off kilter. Throughout the movie she wanders off, explores creepy coves where no one should explore, and loses her mind.

She's basically a lia-freakin-bility the whole damn movie.

So when she watches the horrors that happen to her closest (and I'm assuming only, because this lady is really batshite crazy insane) friends, she unhinges and goes postal.

With a human bone as a club.

This movie was made with the knowledge that it was a B-movie. The director says so in the extras. And you know what?

They made it.

This film is a B-movie. That means you can expect all the gore and ridiculous events of any good ol' horror flick.

That also means about half of you will write me telling me how much you hate/loved this movie.

See, that's what is so great about these films. They appeal to certain audiences and repel others.

If I had to rate this movie, I'd go with finding-a-hundred-dollars-in-your-pocket-only-to-remember-you-owe-your-friend-85. It's not that good, but you saw it coming, so you still can enjoy it.

Wait....that analogy made no sense.

But niether does the idea of a caveman-turned-batboy.

Watch carefully.

Don't Blink: A Scanner Darkly

2007-01-04T15:04:00.000-05:00

It's hard to review a visually stunning movie.

I come from a line of people who probably should have died out for staring aimlessly at a shiny rock until a dinosaur eats us.

This predisposition toward aesthetics sometimes clouds my ability to be objective. I realized this when I let slide the failures of "The Phantom Menace" for almost a year because the presentation was so impressive.

Of course I came to my senses when George Lucas decided to show the world he can't write or direct his way out of a paper sack.

Movies like "Sin City" and "Sky Captain" wow me with visual tricks, though sometimes the storyline or plot devices fail to cover the gaps as in other films.

CGI is so prevalent in our cinematic society that kids' shows on the Disney Channel are now completely computer generated. It's so simple to pull "Toy Story"-like effects. Even modern-day television packs the special-effects engine of a blockbuster movie, as the show "Battlestar Galacica" proves episodically.

So when I say the eye-candy of "A Scanner Darkly" impressed me, I want you to understand my full meaning.

Now let's not be crazy here. This movie has some flaws inherent to any film about drugs.

It can be...how shall I put it...hard to follow.

This isn't necessarily a major problem, as films such as "Memento" and "Requiem for a Dream" proved that a convoluted plot and trippy visuals can stimulate an audience. Granted, these movies were intentionally off kilter.

But so is "A Scanner Darkly."

To sum up the plot, I would have to take a few mind altering substances, but I'll do my best to give you the sober version.

Robert Arctor is an addict. He has been taken the newest trend drug, D, in order to maintain his cover as a...well a loser druggy. He has infiltrated a small-time group of druggies and wants to work his way to the top.

The problem is that D, unlike some of your lesser hard drugs which only lead to amputated limbs and deviated septums, fries the brain in an amazing way.

Succint to say, the right and left hemispheres of his brain are disconnected and competing. This creates an obvious amount of confusion, both for him and you.

Robert suffers from incredible hallucinations, paranoia, and the usual feelings of depression.

Keanu Reeves ("The Matrix") does a passable job of acting...confused.

See, there is the main problem with casting Keanu. He portrays the stoic stoner well, but mainly because the only emotion he can muster is stark confusion.

This works when he plays a Jesus-esque superhero in a computer-controlled post-apocalyptic future, but not so much when he needs to wax philosophical.

His dialogue comes off as hokey, if not worse, for the entirety of the movie, with one exception.

At the very end, he plays a husk of a man, his brain all but gone. Here he shines as the best actor in the movie.

Now, the overall plotline of the movie is actually pretty good. There are conspiracies and backstabbing and people aren't who they appear to be...it's all been done before, but it's done pretty well here. Some of the twists are so readable its pathetic, but for the most part they do ok.

The characters in the film are enjoyable, especially the practically unnecesary Woody Harrelson("Natural Born Killers"). His antics are hilarious, even they are based on the fact that drugs have melted his brain.

Robert Downey Jr ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang") is also perfect in this film, though I have no idea how he prepared for the role of strung-out-junkie. Must have taken years to perfect that character...wow.

Winona Ryder ("Beetleguise") plays an easily forgettable love interest, but Keanu plays an understandably apathetic lover so I guess it evens out.

The main focus on this movie has been the visual style, so I guess I should address it.

It's gorgeous. However they managed to pull of this level of cell-shading, I applaud them.

But pretty sights don't make a pretty movie.

I have friends who look down on this film, and I can understand, but I won't deny its appeal.

This is a well put together piece of cinema. If you can look past Keanu and the sometimes missing plot, you'll find a rather fun hour and some odd minutes of why not to use drugs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a bagel is happening in my kitchen and I can't be late.

Coming Soon

2007-01-03T11:27:00.000-05:00

A new review is coming. Don't freak out.

-The Management

Tis the Season

2006-12-23T20:15:00.000-05:00

Season's greetings, loyal readers.

As we are now in the very center of merchandise holiday season, I figured I should be all sorts of generous and giving and try to spice up this blog.

Thus, for the next week, I shall take any request for any film, B-movie or not, and give it a wholesome review.

Will this be detrimental to my health? Absolutely, but I'm not in this for longetivity.

So enjoy your holidays, whatever they may be, and send in your requests via a comment on this post.

Personal Therapy: Pulse

2006-12-21T03:29:00.000-05:00

This is something new.

I'm lying in bed, three in the morning, and I can't sleep.

It's not that I'm not tired. Believe me, 13 hours of traveling to move a thousand miles is exhausting, especially when this was somehow accomplished using planes.

I should, by all rites, be out cold and enjoying sweet dreams of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fighting the Jessica Alba, but instead I'm up writing a sequel to a review.

What can I say to explain this?

I'm afraid to go to bed.

I'm a grown adult, at least physically. Sure, I play my share of video games and read dumb airport novels, but who doesn't?

But being afraid of the dark? That's something new to me.

I gave up night lights when I was five. So what's going on?

I'll tell you: My house is haunted.

Seriously.

There is a ghost named Cosmo who has lived in this house since before I was born. He's a prankster, mainly doing the fun and easy stuff like moving doors and objects when you're only sorta looking so you freak out.

But now he's moved up to something a bit more exotic.

Sound effects and toying with electric things...

Anyways, let me get on topic. I was all set for sleepy times when all of the sudden my electric razor started freaking out.

It was in its cleaner, untouched, and then started CLEANING ITSELF!

I was laying in the dark when this happened, and I nearly gasped aloud.

But, being a semi-athletic-type with a background in violent videogames, I decided I could handle whatever lay ahead. I went into the bathroom and the damned thing was RISING UP AND DOWN ON ITS OWN!

I unplugged the chord and it quieted down, but I was sufficiently rattled.

I asked the ghost, in polite terms, to let me get some rest. I turned out the lights, assured myself of my place on the food chain, and went to bed.

Then the sounds started.

Rattling, scratching, and some whispering. The usual gamut for the incorporeal entertainment artists.

I am not too proud to say I did what any human being would do under these circumstances: I hid under my covers and tempted asphyxiation.

Then, feeling quite the tool, I puffed out my chest and wandered the upstairs of my house looking for the source of the disturbance.

Nothing. No rats, no squirrels, no undead minions of the BEAST (read: Uwe Boll)

So what was I left to do? I got online to write on my blog about this experience.

What does this have to do with "Pulse", you ask?

I think the movie actually had an effect on me. I'm not proud of this, as I often boast I can't be scared by the jump tactics used in movies these days.

But I am scared by the macabre.

This is why zombies really get to me, and why wolfman does not. "Pulse" had some seriously disturbing images, and I'm not talking "Hostel" oh-my-that-was-eye-juice-she-just-leaked disturbing. I mean oh-that's-a-ghost-with-a-MOUTH-FOR-A-FACE!

I can't escape such visuals. They stick with me and pop up at the most inopportune times, like now for instance.

So I figure, if I resume the review that (let's be honest) was only half-done, perhaps I can find closure and thus rest.

Let's take a good look at the movie with a critical eye.

The plot centers around a digital-virus-ghost (it's never explained if the ghosts are in fact dead souls or just electronic signals that look like people but really just want some lovin'.

It's hinted at, but much like an episode of "Lost" there are more questions raised than answered.

A lot of people commit suicide in this movie. The reason given is that, when a ghost soul-sucks you, all your will to live is taken away. You search for release, usually in the form of the nearest ledge or hammer you can drive into your face.

But I think the real reason is the fact that the entire world is a horrific shade of gray.

Seriously, the whole movie was shot through a BAWLS glass (if you don't what BAWLS is, go find out NOW and enjoy life in a new way).

Everyone is depressed, even the happy-slutty friend. The ghosts are the happiest things in the film, and their idea of fun is finding new and surprising places to pop out of.

Since we are on the subject of popping out, why is it that, no matter how much a person knows about the foe they are up against, they will search EVERY nook and cranny in EVERY creepy locations they are in?

Why?

And they love to be alone during these assaults on humanity, or at most with one other person just to make sure there is no chance of safety in numbers (the ghosts, on the other hand, travel in super packs near the end of the film, making them the smarter of the species).

The manner in which the creatures take their victims also begs a certain bit of introspection.

If your will is forcebly removed from your face (via the swell soul-sucking method taught in every ghost univerity) you have a few ways you can die.

- You can kill yourself (the most popular method of the film, and for heaven's sake try to come up with something more creative than hanging yourself with your computer's power chord).

- You can burst into ash at the drop of a hat (also a nice choice, though try to do this in front of your emotionally fragile friend to increase the chance of her doing something incredibly dim witted like STANDING THERE AND WATCHING THE ASH SWIRL IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ALL-OUT ASSAULT ON HUMANITY.

- Finally, and this is really the way to go, lean against a wall and get sucked in.

Wait.......let's go back a sec.

If you have the black death mark growing on you, and you lean against a wall, you get SUCKED IN and leave a greasy shmear on the stucco.

It's also done best if your friend has your free arm and tries to pull you away from this awful fate.

This movie has some seriously ridiculous holes in the story and universe, but that's not why I'm pointing them out.

Despite these obviously far-fetched plot points, this movie still scared me.

I know it shouldn't, because it's a remake of an Asian horror film and thus a POS, but here we are.

I still recommend this, because it's still a nice piece of filmage. I might even watch it again to try and face this new anxiety.

I know this post was not the usual fair you all look for on this site.

But if you look up in the corner of the page, you'll notice there is a name written there.

That's mine.

It's my site.

So I can write whatever the hell I want.

Owned.

Now go watch the new Bond movie until you get your fix of raw manliness for the month.

Is Stephen King Ghostwriting: The Pulse

2006-12-13T17:21:00.000-05:00

Some of you out there are lucky enough to have read Stephen King's latest novel, "Cell".

It was an homage to George Romero's epic storyline of the Dead, and his own personal twist on the zombie genre.

And it was.....ok.

Honestly, the dialogue was hackneyed, the plot was cumbersome, and he decided early on that he wouldn't so much have closure as a crappy ending to the novel.

You may ask why I mention this. Well, I have just watched a movie that may be a better version of King than the man himself can write.

Let's take a look at "The Pulse."

The guest list for this outing is rather slumbersome, though there are some names worth mentioning:

Mattie, the college-girl-with-too-much-head-on-her-shoulders (played delectably by the swelteringly hot Kristen Bell of "Veronica Mars")

Dexter, the too-cool-for-school-technophile (Ian Somerhalder from "Lost")

Stone, the....well, the stoner (Rick Gonzalez doing the role he has played in every other movie with college kids)

Dr. Waterson, the psych-who-thinks-he-knows-everything-until-the-unknown-drops-in-his-lap (Ron Rifkin from "Alias")

These actors do a fine job of acting freaked out for an hour and forty minutes, which is surprising given the state of this plotline.

Allow me to summarize without giving too much away.

Someone, perhaps a techie-lab with too much power and too little control, has unraveled the space-time continuum, unleashing hords of ghost-like-aparitions upon Earth.

Though they look and move like the creepshow from "The Ring", they don't take true control of their technical prowess by making obscene phone calls to their victims.

They move through anything electric (computers, cell phones, radios), they can only really hurt you if you look them straight in the eye.

This is where I posed the question: "What if you are wearing a blindfold? For the rest of your life?"

Anyway, these spectors fly around sucking the life out of people and consuming them from the inside.

Now this is the trippy part: It's all pretty freakin' scary.

I went into this film with pretty low expectations, and I suggest you do as well, but it really did scare me at times.

The jump scares were done exceedingly well, and the ambience remained eerie throughout the film; not a small task.

What really blew me away about this movie is a small but significant fact: This is a remake of a Japanese horror film.

Now I know what you're all thinking:

Has Adam sold out and started LIKING these attrocious wastes of cinema space?

I haven't turned in my colors just yet, loyal readers. I still hate those movies with the passion of Sly Stallone pounding a slab of meat.

But this was really something else. This movie changed the ugly, white and pasty face of asian horror remakes forever.

It wasn't great. I don't want to lead you all into thinking this was some seminal piece of filmmaking. But it was good, and that's something.

There was a scene in the movie, let's call it "that diner scene", which borrowed heavily from the cheese section of the scriptwriting grocery store. It doesn't so much take away from the movie as provide a sense of relief.

The whole film you keep expecting this bag of suck to happen, and this scene helps ease you through the rest. It's just so damned campy.

But that's the only really predictable moment. This film does an excellent job of flying against the grain on other counts.

Was this a perfect movie? No. But is it better than nine-tenths of the other remakes out there?

Absolutely.

This movie gets a hanging-with-Kristen Bell-during-a-blizzard-and-sipping-on-hot-cocoa-whilst-playing-a-PS2.

It's not top of the line, but you don't care.

Watch carefully.

Who's Hungry: Feast

2006-12-10T00:35:00.000-05:00

Ben Afleck is the cancer that eats away at the film industry.

I've seen his movies, and to a one they are depraved and hollow shells of what make that industry great.

His taint upon any flick instantly sends it into a nose dive from which there is no recovery.

So when his moniker is writ atop the poster of a movie, I tend to shy away.

Alas, I was drawn to this one like carrion to a fresh piece of roadkill.

The analogy is fitting, as you will soon see.

"Feast" is a culmination of many disgusting events that ends better than you'd think.

Let's start with a roll call. You won't recognize many.

Bozo - Balthazar Getty ("Ladder 49" and the third prize for the Charley Sheen look-a-like contest on E)

Hot Wheels - Josh Zuckerman (TV extra #1497538993264)

Drunk Girl - Chauntae Davies (Maybe some softcore, but we can't be sure)

Boss Man - Duane Whitaker ("The Devil's Rejects" and that should be a BIG clue)

Harley Mom - Diane Goldner (She's the director's wife)

Coach - Henry Rollins (The right, Henry F'N Rollins)

Jason Mewes - Jason Mewes (No....seriously...Jason Mewes....as in Jay and Silent Bob.......like he needed the work.....)

And then Tuffy, Honey Pie, Beer Guy, Bartender and the rest of the disposables.

These aren't cute names I'm coming up with (though I fancy myself a quick thinker). These are the ACTUAL names the writer chose.

And he had all day to come up with them.

The way to film starts is pretty standard. A car crashes and we don't know why, nor do we care. Then we get a quick burst of Monster Vision (tm) and are introduced to the bar, which is the ONLY SET USED.

Thankfully the bar is damned interesting, otherwise this would feel a lot like "Phonebooth".

A man gets out of his own crappy car and walks into the bar, bumping into two drunk ladies. One harlett shouts "Watch it BOZO!" As our man turns, mainly to check out some drunken ass, the scene FREEZES and we get a WWF style readout of the specs, complete with his occupation and life expectancy.

This technique is shocking at first, and rightly so. It's more in line with a cheesy made-for-tv film than the brain-child of "Project Greenlight 3."

What's really amazing is that, after a few tries, it's actually funny. The writers hit a few spots really well, and that's saying something for a horror movie of this particular type.

You see, this is a monster movie.

Now I know you all think horror movies are generally the same and can easily be lumped into one genre for ease of use. I can't impart how wrong you are.

There are ghost movies, where some horrible specter haunts people for no good reason.

There are slasher films, where crazed lunatics cut people into pieces for no good reason (these movies are often called "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Hostel", and "Turistas," and come out in sets, regardless of how recently a movie of the EXACT SAME STYLE came out).

Then there are monster movies, where a beasty/undead creature/man haunting children in their dreams comes out to eat and pummel drunk college kids, who usually have some pointless sex around minute three.

Another genre, re-make of a bad Asian movie, is also known, but I tend to vomit upon these movies as though they carried too much MSG.

Continuing on, this monster movie brings a whole new meaning to the term "creatures that chop characters to bits during the movie."

Actually, I don't know if that's so much a phrase as a proper representation of what happens.

After the disposables are introduced, a man bursts into the bar covered in blood and gripping a shotgun. Cue freeze frame.

"Name: Hero
Occupation: Kicking Ass
Life Expectancy: Pretty F'N Good"

He introduces the concept of the creatures and scares the begeezus out of people, then tries to secure the building. The Bartender (whose name is "bartender" by the way) asks "Who the hell are you."

Our hero replies: "I'm the guy who's gonna save your ass."

Then he gets pulled through a window and his head is eaten.

You can't buy that kind of awesome.

The movie follows the survivors of the opening attack as they slowly, person-by-person and piece-by-piece, get turned into alien lunch.

Some of the scenes are downright fantastic. Henry Rollins is given some great one-liners and he pulls them off perfectly. Even the Charley Sheen look-a-like is pretty decent.

The monsters themselves are nothing new, but they get the job done. The dead-cow-skull creatures are creepy looking and seen rarely enough to instill some sense of mystery.

The adults only come at the end, so the fact that they look like the artistic prerenderings of "Alien" can be forgiven.

The creepiest puppets are the baby aliens, who like to hump things if they aren't eating them.

I'm serious. There is a scene where a woman becomes the first-ever multi-terrestrial porn star. It's graphic.

This movie gets very predictable toward the end, but what can you expect from a monster movie? What matters is that the opening forty minutes is something you've never seen before.

I won't in good conscience tell you this film is groundbreaking and really sets itself apart from the genre.

What I will say is that, in the past few years, a LOT worse have come out. This movie is great because it doesn't try to be any of that.

I'm not going to own this movie, nor will I really ever want to see it again, but I will recommend it to likeminded (ie - sick and twisted) individuals.

This movie is like watching-the-snuff-film-of-Ben-Afleck. Gross yet creepily satisfying.

Give this a shot if you enjoyed the last few Freddy movies, or if you are on a diet and need some way to kill those midnight cravings.

Watch carefully.

Twice the Houses, Twice the Dead, Half the Crap: House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim

2006-12-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

I generally don't like sequels, as a rule.

More often than not, they fail to live up to the benchmark set by their predecessor.

Most barely entertain, and never really try to be original.

Some obvious exceptions come to mind quickly:

"Terminator 2"

"The Bourne Supremacy"

"Indiana Jones"

The sad fact is sequels are bad ideas written down and filmed.

But sometimes they have to be made to create a balance.

As those of of you who follow my blog know, I hate Uwe Boll. It's not that I don't like his films, or that he personally erks me, it's that I think he is a bane on humanity.

His film "House of the Dead" hurt me to watch. I developed a severe blood condition for a few weeks while it worked its way through my system. It was a burden upon my soul to watch it.

So when, whilst Netflixing (new verb, all me baby) this pile of retch for my friend Warren--one of my not-quite-voluntary assistants in this job--I noticed the sequel listed as well, I was quite bemused.

And by "bemused" I mean "scared for the children."

What struck me about this movie, aside from that the fact that it is of the made-for-TV variety, is that it is LEAPS AND BOUNDS beyond the visual ebola outbreak Uwe Boll made.

And it stars Sticky Fingaz, that Oscar-Awards-watching actor/rapper/FBI profling case #447-3809.

I'll get to the rest of the players in this drama later, but first I have to tell you the premise.

I'm that excited, I'm skipping around the steps.

Let's take the first movie. Now forget it.

Wasn't easy was it? Kind of sticks in there, like clothing with third degree burns.

This movie has one small, miniscule, barely visible connection: The dude from the first movie (let's call him Doucheman) brought his girlfriend (Skankatron-of-the-Dead) back to the mainland and dumped her in his father's lab at a local college.

This is because community colleges of the midwest have the latest, state-of-the-art technological storage rooms and laboratories needed to discover how to re-reanimate a corpse.

Needless to say, things don't go exactly as planned. Doucheman gets eaten and his father tries to bring HIM back, thus creating a zombie situation on par with the latest Rolling Stones concert (only slightly less people are eaten).

What makes this movie really different from its predecessor is the genre of zombie-killers it brings to the table.

In the first movie, you had the dumb-college kids turned zombie hunters, with all the stereotypes:

Dumb kid.

Smart kid,

Pretty boy.

Tom girl.

So on and so forth.

In this movie, you have the commando-assault team, complete with:

The rookie, who goes crazy and gets killed.

The sleazy guy, who does something gross and gets killed.

The woman...who discovers how hard it is to be a woman and yet a manly warrior...and then gets killed.

And the commander, who leads bravely and kills many...and then gets killed.

But this movie goes one step further. It adds the government agent with a history, and his girlfriend, and her dog, and the neighboors from across the way.

Oh yeah, and a couple of them get killed.

It actually gets kind of ridiculous, but then again, this is "House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim."

The story progresses much in the same way a virus does, and eventually a quarantine is necessary for the campus. The army-types do their thing and add, rather than subtract, from the zombie horde. The government-type-person discovers a "cure" for the disease, but everyone wants a piece.

And of course, disposable characters run around trying to get eaten.

I can't help but think this movie is a joke. Everything about it, from the crazy-ugly gore to the oatmeal-faced zombies to the plot-twists taken out of cracker-jack boxes.

And again, let's refresh, Sticky Fingaz is a LEAD ROLE!

Now let's give Fingaz his due. He did a fine job in "Over There." He even does a passable Blade.

But he isn't so much an "actor" as a "human being, in some light".

The only reason this movie isn't a brown streak on the side of the proverbial cinema underwear is because I watched it directly after "House of the Dead."

I'll give this movie a hooking-up-with-your-college-roomate's-best-friend's-sister's-foreign-exchange-student's-mother-while-drunk-on-three-and-a-half-bottles-of-Listerine.

With Finals coming up, I might not be able to post as often as usual. Be patient, and I shall return.

Watch carefully.

You Have Nothing to Fear But : The Thing

2006-11-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

John Carpenter has made some terrible movies.

"Ghosts of Mars" springs to mind. And then it eats you from the inside.

Yet this filmmaker has also brought true greatness to the silver screen.

"Big Trouble in Little China" (review coming soon) is still in my top ten.

So when, back in the 80s, this buck-wild director took on a remake, suspicions were high.

Could Johnny Boy, taking an old Black and White crapfest loosely based on a kick-awesome short story, come up with gold?

Yes. Yes he could.

Twice.

"The Thing" is a crowning achievement in the ingenuity of robotics and old timey special effects.

The story is simple: A group of Americans in an Antarctic outpost stumble upon the grisley remains of a Norwegian expedition. Inside the Norse camp they discover remains, something enormous...and not human.

What I love about this film's premise is that, up until fairly deep into the movie, you don't see any aliens. The true horror is that the creature--the Thing--can look like anyone.

It could be the guy next to you.

It could be your dog.

The psychological aspects of this flick raise it above other alien films of the era.

"Alien" was a great movie, and certainly deserves the accolades it recieves, but "The Thing" took a smaller budget and made a film that is on par if not better than Cameron's little scare-em-up.

I first saw this movie on the Sci-Fi channel at about 3 in the AM.

It was dark.

I was young.

You can't imagine how freaked out I was...actually, I need to start a little earlier.

I am afraid of spiders. This is a perfectly reasonable fear. Spiders are the bane of human existence.

They eat babies. I've seen it done.

Spiders are the anti-Chris. Yes, that's Chris, a friend of mine who was devoured by spiders at a young age.

So when, during one infamous scene, a man's head becomes a SPIDER-DEMON, I was appropriately wet in ye-old-pants.

This movie rocks.

Science fiction is pretty standardizing. All you need is a spaceship, an alien, and a group of people to die and fight back, though not always in that order.

This band of brothers is no different, though the concept that anyone could be an alien adds a new layer to the tension.

The hero of the tale, as it stands, is a man named R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell, that bad ass of bad asses). He figures out the alien's plan and sets out to disrupt it. With flame throwers.

This is the first movie I ever saw with flame throwers. I hadn't yet seen "Aliens" and was too young for WW II films.

My first impression of the fire dealer?

Amazed.

This movie really owns the screen, and you feel quite shaken by the end. The credits are bittersweet, as the story doesn't really end with the last line of dialogue.

If you care to follow the yarn, there is a game that takes place after the film ends. It's not too great, but the storyline is solid. When I finally get some capital (Hannuka 2045) I plan to make the sequel.

Seriously, it'll kick ass. You have to trust me on this. Would I ever lead you astray?

OK, bad question.

Would I ever let you watch a movie I myself hadn't personally screened? It says I wouldn't right up there at the top of the page.

I give this movie the-sensation-you-get-whilst-using-a-flame-thrower-to-barbeque-a-group-of-Nazi-aliens-as-an-elite-team-of-Swedish-Bikini-Models-rub-you-down-with-oil (non-flammable of course).

Netflix this sucker right now. And then Gamefly the "sequel."

Watch carefully.

When Feet Meet Face: Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

2006-11-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

I love kung-fu movies.

Seriously.

I can watch Jackie Chan jump from building to building any old day. When Jet Li puts his fist through someone's head, I get giddy.

I've even watched a few Stephen Segal films, though I'd rather not admit that ever again.

So when a new player enters the scene talking all sorts of smack about "no strings" and all that jazz, I get a little excited.

"Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior" does not disappoint.

Now, I should preface this review with a simple qualifier: I enjoy dumb action movies (let's not forget Mr. Segal....actually, let's go ahead and forget him).

I've seen Jean Claude Van Dam in every dude-on-a-quest movie he's made (about 5,793 so far).

I've watched Jackie Chan's "First Strike" about twenty times just for that ladder scene.

So I don't mind when an action film has no plot.

I mean none.

And "Ong-Bak" is sans plot.

If you want to get technical, there is this small story about a small-time gang member stealing the head of a village's idol prompting a super kung-fu master (mu-thai-boxing to be precise) to go and take on every bag of scum the nearby city can throw at him.

Oh yeah, it's that good.

Tony Jaa, the flying sensation of Thailand, brings something new to the martial arts table that I had only heard of: Thai boxing.

The Thai people, for those of you who don't know, were once a humble and peaceful nation. When a Chinese man came to their country bearing the cracking limbs of Karate, they smiled, gave him fruit, and let him go on his way.

Then they took fifteen minutes and created the messiest martial art ever.

Thai kick boxing looks like it hurts, and it does. It hurts your EVERYTHING.

Knees go into places where knees have never been, bones are snapped, feet meet chins in a most unpoetic fashion...it's basically the worst parts of the bible.

Let's carry on, shall we?

Ting (Tony Jaa) heads into town following the diabolical theft of his beloved Buddha head. He meets up with Humlae (Petchtai Wongkamlao...don't worry about IMDB on this one, you won't recognize him at all) and his...girlfriend? Sister? It's never really explained, but this girl (Pumwaree Yodkamol) has the most annoying voice I have ever heard.

It's not long before Ting is put into a situation where he has to use his village's chief export--pain--to stay alive.

Humlae steals Ting's money, money that was going to be used to by back the Lord's noggin', and bets it on a fight. When he loses, Ting sets out to get his money back by asking politely.

The MC obliges....but only if Ting can survive some FISTICUFFS!

What follows is the shortest bout of awesome you can imagine. Tony Jaa uses his leg as a sledgehammer and drops the other man like a sack of potatoes.

And then the movie happens.

Stunt men, it is said, are a dime a dozen. I feel the director of this movie understood that concept and exploited it. At least 412 people died as a direct result of the fighting in this film.

At least.

In one scene, Ting grabs two thick, metal rods and proceeds to beat the ever-loving piss out of every bad person left in Thailand. The impacts are so visceral that it hurts in your gut to watch.

Not that you'd ever turn it off, because it's awesome.

The main villain is a chain-smoking, wheelchair-bound gangster with a voice-box and a bad-luck streak. You hate this man the moment you see him. I recommend watching the movie in its original Thai, not just because that language is pretty awesome sounding, but because this guy is ten times worse in his primary form. The dubbing just doesn't cut it.

By the end of this movie, which arrives much sooner than you'd expect, you'll feel pretty spent. Since there really is no story to speak of, the ending is sort of bittersweet. You don't care for any of the characters any further than you don't want to see people in pain anymore.

Still, it has been a fun ride.

I hope that this movie launches a bountiful career for young Tony Jaa, as his antics are quite amusing to watch.

"The Protector", his latest endeavor, is supposed to be rather enjoyable. I'll have to check it out soon.

I'd give this movie a different kind of review than others. This movie is an embodiment of the old-timey saying:

"People have faces, and Tony Jaa has to kick them."

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I have to go eat myself into a coma.

Apparently You Can Go Home: The Return

2006-11-20T14:17:00.000-05:00

I believe Sarah Michelle Gellar epitomizes the Texas gal:

She's drop dead gorgeous.

She's not too tall.

And she can usually kick the ass of anything in her path.

So you can imagine what is has been like for me to watch her lower herself in crappy horror movies that make little-to-no sense.

Now, I'm optimistic about most movies, as you've probably inferred given the titles I sometimes select to view. Despite this predeliction for poison, I did not intent on seeing "The Return", which looked to be horrible in ways horror does not purposefully endeavor.

Allow me to break it down thusly:

The promo for "The Grudge", starring one SMG, was this: "When a murder occurs in a house, the emotion of the murder remains behind and creates a curse. Anyone who touches this curse is consumed by it."

The promo for "The Return" which had an eerily similar poster to that of "The Grudge" and starred one SMG was this: "When a murder is commited, a curse is born. Anyone touched by the curse is consumed by it."

You see where I'm coming from?

Now I don't want to go out of my way to make fun of this movie. It does a good enough job of that itself. I just want to get this out of the way before I go too far.

Don't see this movie.

"The Return" is an attempt to take a great actress--one who already has a solid fanbase--and suck the life out of her until there is nothing left.

One thing this movie has going for it is artistic direction. The movie has some honestly attractive shots.

And I'm not just saying this because it was shot in Texas and SMG is a Texan and, in general things associated with the Lone Star State have a certain appeal to me.

Though all that is true as well.

The director, Asif Kapadia, knows his cinematography.

But one thing he doesn't know is plotlines.

This movie has one-and-a-half plotlines.

First is the main idea of the movie: A young woman seems to be restless due to some unknown crazy trauma in the psychological/supernatural sense. She discovers, through no means of storytelling, what happened to cause her discourse. By the end of the movie, things have happened for apparently no reason and you are glad to leave the theater.

A one-third-plotline involves her distant father who never really connected with his daughter after a car accident almost took her life.

One-third more is the random colleage, Adam Scott from "Art School Confidential", who for no reason whatsoever tries to get a little rape on.

The final third is the worst told love story I've ever seen.

You may not believe that I can make such a statement. Allow me to qualify.

I've seen "The English Patient." I've seen "Riddick." I know bad love stories when they waltz across my TV.

This was B-A-D!

Sarah and this crazy, old-as-her-father cowboy (Peter O'Brien from a bunch of Aussie TV shows) seem to have some gettin'-it-on action.

Not that you can tell what happens due to the worst editing since "Wild Wild West."

Actually, I take that back. "Wild Wild West" had much worse editing. Honestly, it was shameful to even say an editor was present in the country when the film was made.

"The Return" employs a common horror technique where the visual cuts a step after the sound. This makes the transitions as smooth as a flock of seagulls going into a jet engine.

Suffice to say, I spent the entire movie wondering if anything I saw actually happened, or if it was part of some elaborate dream sequence.

Sarah falls into dreams so many times that it's hard to tell when she's imagining and awake or reliving an event from the past.

One particular scene--which involves a little sex, I won't lie to you--may or may not have happened. THIS IS A PIVOTAL EVENT, ASIF! WHAT IS GOING ON?

The dialogue is horrendous. It's not that people say anything absurd, as with other B movies, it's just that their lines are delivered deadpan and without the proper cushion.

For example:

SMG: Hey dad, what happened when I was 11?

POP: Well, you kinda went crazy. I couldn't control you.

SMG: Control me? I was crying for help.

POP: Why don't you stay the night?

SMG: What's in LeSalle?

NONE OF IT CONNECTS! NOTHING! IT'S ALL GIBBERISH!

This isn't a terrible movie in the strictest sense. It's a forgettable thriller that doesn't do anything. All the effects have been done before, and by better directors. I feel that in the hands of someone more daring this could have been a sleeper hit. SMG certainly can pull on a few heartstrings, and Sam Fisher as Pa Gellar worked fine.

I walked away not really knowing what the movie had done to me, and that's generally a good thing from where I come from. I can't stand the idea of the cancerous legions movies such as "Stay Alive" and "Alone in the Dark" have left inside me.

I guess I'd give this movie a seeing-Sarah Michelle Gellar-in-the-mall-from-a-distance-but-when-you-get-close-it's-actually-a-man-dressed-as-Buffy.

Instead of seeing this movie, go online and watch the Ninja Review of "Pirates of the Carribean". Seriously. Funny man, that ninja.

MIA

2006-11-17T09:16:00.000-05:00

I would like to take this time to apologize to you, the loyal reader. I have been remiss of my duties as reviewer of bad movies.

I assure you, this site has not reached its end yet.

The last few weeks have been a bit hectic, what with classes and drills and theatrical activities and all the other things that go into my life like the ingredients to a Mulligan Stew.

But it's all coming together now, and I guarantee a new post within the next three days. Though I haven't seen any new movies of unnacceptable caliber, I have a wide range stored deep in my subconcious.

So stay tuned. The best is yet to come.

Er, I mean the worst.

-AK

The Dangers of Progress: The Beast of Yucca Flats

2006-11-06T11:29:00.000-05:00

If there is one thing you take away from this movie, let it be this:

Progress is bad.

I have reviewed many movies, but never has one been so...patently retarded.

Imagine that the year is 1961. The world is aglow with nuclear tests. The cold war is mighty close to heating up.

What better film to make than a doesn't-make-a-lick-of-sense horror film?

You can't actually understand the power of this film without witnessing it--or perhaps hearing it.

The whole movie has a Rod Sterling mimic reading an incredibly poorly written voice over the whole time.

Seriously, the only thing the guy can come up with are obscure cliches and folky one-liners.

"Once a Russian scientist, now a muderous monster. Another man caught up...in progress."

"Touch a button. Things happen. A scientist becomes a beast."

"Nothing bothers some people. Not even flying saucers."

I wish I had made that last one up.

The whole movie is filled with these inane sayings that never really tie into the story as a whole.

Oh, the story? Well, that's another bag of chips entirely. I shall do my best not to commit hara kiri as I relay the tale.

Tor Johnson (the horrorible beast from every movie in the 60s) is a Russian scientist defecting to the US. He is intercepted by two KGB assassins because he as a briefcase full of secret documents. The agents track him down, kill his guards, and then...inexplicably leave because the 400 lbs man has too much of a headstart to POSSIBLY catch up to.

I'm serious. They walk about fifteen feet from their cars, get fed up, and go back to the Motherland.

Not too worry, because Tor is in for a surprise. He absent mindedly wanders onto an A-Bomb test site. Because...you know...NO ONE would care to guard that sort of thing, or perhaps put up a fence.

Tor is changed forever into the oatmeal faced villain known only as "the beast."

You watch this entire scene happen while Jimmy Sterling tells you about "the turning wheels of progress" and how "progress is dangerous."

Now, on to the meat of this tale.

A woman and her husband are assaulted by the beast and the local law enforcement, Jim and Joe the homicidal deputies, go to investigate. Their motto?

"Shoot first and ask questions later."

Seriously. They say that. And they stick by it, damnit!

The cops find the womans body and drag her about halfway back to their car. Then they get tired and decide "doctors can't help her. Maybe angels. Not doctors." They LEAVE HER BODY ON THE ROCKS and head back to town.

They get in a plane (did I mention both Jim and Joe are paratroopers? No? Well, the movie does about 500 times) and fly over the region, shooting at everything that moves.

You think I'm joking.

A man and his family also find themselves in the area. The boys love to wander (a pasttime I share) and they somehow end up in the middle of the desert. The father, being a good old boy, goes after them in A MISSILE TESTING AREA MARKED CLEARLY WITH A F%)(&^ SIGN.

Since Joe sees that the man is clearly in the area, and since he has that "shoot first" policy, he SHOOTS AT HIM.

Now, I don't know about you, but if someone from a plane was shooting at me, I would seek cover. Or maybe try and signal the pilot. Or DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN RUN IN A STRAIGHT GORRAM LINE!

When Joe finally nails his target (or so we think) the narrator helps clarify the situation:

"A man runs, someone shoots at him."

No pun intended, but things we a lot more black and white back in the 60s.

Today, I can go for a run without the fear of being shot for no apparent reason. Fathers chasing down wayward sons sometimes escape without a round fired.

Basically what I'm saying is: WTF!

Now, the boys are chased by the Beast (who carries a walking stick...not to beat people, just to walk). They hide in his cave, which he apparently doesn't notice even though they often are within several feet of him when he returns.

The beast notices his dead woman is missing. I'm sure if he checked the ravine a few yards away he'd see where Ernie and Gomer left her. Instead of taking it like a leperous-looking man, the beast "unleashes his fury!"

He picks up a medium-sized rock...and throws it at absolutely no one.

What say you, narrator?

"Flag on the moon. How did it get there?"

Um....K.

The father of the two trapped boys returns to his wife after being quite rattled by the friendly-fire. He runs past his wife and jumps into the car. He tells her to wait while he gets help and drives off.

Let's refresh: THE MAN TELLS HIS WIFE TO WAIT IN THE BLISTERING F'ING DESERT SO HE CAN DRIVE THE STATION WAGON BACK TO TOWN, GET A NICE COLD SNAPPLE, AND TALK TO THE SAME A$$HOLES WHO JUST TRIED TO KILL HIM!

Wow, this movie has layers, don't you think?

Jim and Joe decide to take action against the beast, seeing as it is their job.

Narrator, please translate into FUBAR.

"Twenty hours without rest and still no enemy. In the blistering desert heat, Jim and Joe plan their next attack. Find the Beast and kill him. Kill, or be killed. Man's inhumanity to man."

I hate you, Sterling. I really do.

The boys rush from the cave while the beast takes an impromptu nap. He rushes at them, swinging his walking stick with fury. Jim and Joe lay down some suppresing fire while the boys' father flanks from the right with a BAR.

Actually, it's not nearly so interesting. Jim shoots the beast and it's over.

Done.

Nothing left.

Progress.

I scoffed at this movie. Scoffed. I never scoff, and yet here it was my only recourse.

This film was awful in a way I can't explain in words. I felt so unclean and stupid for watching it.

The only thing that kept me going was a healthy dose of "Borat" the next day.

I really can't give this movie a review. Well, actually, I can.

It was like getting hit in the head with a hammer. Repeatedely. And then being served my brain by Tor Johnson.

What say you, oh great narrator?

"Boys from the city. Not yet caught by the whirlwind of Progress. Feed soda pop to the thirsty pigs."

Die already.

Wishing I Were Blind: Ultraviolet

2006-10-30T22:42:00.000-05:00

Bad movies are a lot like cancer.

When one is sorta ok, it's over quick and makes a fun story to tell your friends while drinking.

When its terminal....well, its long and painful and you lose some hair in the process. Except cancer lets you die with loved ones around. Bad movies aren't so giving.

"Ultraviolet" is cancer of the head.

Now, I love Milla Jovovovovovich.....er Jovovich. She is a part of the reason "The Fifth Element" is a seminal part of my film collection. She made "Resident Evil" only sorta bad.

But NO ONE can make this movie good. Not Milla, not William Fichtner ("Prison Break" anyone?), not anyone. This pile of filth is the worst thing to happen to cinema I've seen in quite some time.

On a side note, I'd like to say how hard it is to judge a bad movie after seeing "Alone in the Dark", "Stay Alive", and countless other horrid stains on the fabric of time and space.

Back to the pain.

I am going to try, in as few expletives as possible, to explain this movie.

Let's start with the premise: A disease, man-made in America, turns people into Vampires. The rest of the world grows fearful of this hyper-AIDS and pulls a little Nazi-Germany style "cleansing" on the population.

Many things can be said about this plotline. Derivitive, overdone and boring are a few. I like to keep things simple, so let's just say "bad."

All good movies (or in this case, bad movies) need heroes. The heroine in this case is a sultry young vampiress named Violet (Milla Jovovich of the "Fifth Element"). Violet is sent to retrieve a super secret weapon from a super secret weapons facility in the middle of the heavily guarded sanctum of bad people who do bad things.

Easy money, right?

Not to rag on the movie--wait, no, that's exactly what I plan to do--this sequence only serves to warn the viewer of the horrors to come. There is no coherent stream of events leading the characters to do what they do; no acting to get in the way of the "action"; and no chance of you, the viewer, having a single clue as to what the F is going on.

The movie revolves around the contents of the super secret weapon Milla steals: It's a little boy named Six (Cameron Bright from "X-Men 3"). Now before you jump to the conclusion that this is the worst name for a character EVER, let me get to the bad guy.

Yes, there is a villain in this film played by the venerable Nick Chinlund (The sleazy cowboy in "Zorro"). This bad seed of a man kills without mercy and dreams up diabolical schemes while rubbing his hands together and laughing like a weasel. His name speaks of terrors unspoken of since the days of yore.

His name is Vicecardinum Ferdinand Daxus.

I know. That's the worst name ever thought of.

Ever.

It hurts to hear it.

Makes the ears bleed.

If the names and opening sequence haven't already caused your DVD player to combust, the rest of the movie will make a sincere effort.

Now, I'm all for cameras getting jiggly with it. I like the spinning, mind-warping acrobatics of the "Matrix". What I don't like is when the camera becomes a ping pong ball during the championship match between Yin Hu Wong and Forrest Gump.

In one sequence (which, for all rights, was pretty nice) the camera flies alongside a bullet into a person's sunglasses. When the reflection fills the entire screen, the camera suddenly BECOMES that perspective and flies the other way. This ricochette happens several times, until the motion sickness level reaches "Blair Witch" proportions.

The other effects in the film seem to mimic the stylized look of "Sin City", or some other, better done, comic book movie. Except the rest of the film does not look like a comic book. Despite the flashy colors, the film appears to be grounded in a more realistic image, which makes the explosions and CGI all the more cheesy.

And why is it so hard to use a green screen? Did this ability skip a generation of effects managers? Do they not know how to cover up the fact that it's people in front of a screen? IT'S THE YEAR 2006, PEOPLE, LET'S GET ON THE FRIGGIN' BALL!

I didn't want to talk about the script. It's not that I have any qualms about tearing this screenwriter a new one, that's not the problem at all.

I just don't want to relive it in my head.

The person who wrote the final draft of this film was obviously very special. They had been living in cave for their entire lives. A cave on Mars. And they kept their fingers in their ears and their eyes squeezed shut.

The script was written as though the writer had never heard of the English language. More over, he had never spoken his native language (gibberish, or some dialect akin to it) to anyone else, thus denying him the experience of how ACTUAL DIALOGUE works.

I could give you gems (because they are rampant in this film) but I think one exchange sums it right up.

The bad man, Vicecardinum Ferdinand Daxus, points some crappy looking water pistol at Violet. She flicks blood at him, which incenses him so much he decides to DROP his GUN and pull out a SWORD. In order to put fear in the vampiress's heart, he utters this curse upon her soul:

"It's on."

Wait, don't move yet.

Violet, obviously taken aback by such strong, monosyllabic terms, retorts with a cutting remark:

"You bet it is."

OK, let your brain melt. I know it wants to.

What really strikes me about this scene (besides my hand, which repeatedly hit me in the face for watching this movie) is the fact that Daxus decides to have a little sword fight instead of just shooting Violet. His gun was still working. Violet uses it in the end to kill him. WHY DIDN'T HE JUST SHOOT HER WHERE SHE STOOD?

There's a lot of moments in the film where your jaw will drop due to the level of stupidity on screen. Guards in the inner most sanctums of the most secure buildings wield swords instead of guns. No one, and I mean no one, except for Violet can hit a damn thing, even from point blank range. The biggest threat to the government is a group of vampires that live in a BIG BUILDING not FIFTEEN MINUTES from the main lab.

My "favorite" is when Violet and Six go to the main citadel to challenge the baddies to a duel. There's one of her and 700 of them. When the duo arrive, the little boy convinces V not to go.

So they go play on a merry-go-round.

At this point, I stood from my chair and screamed at the TV for a solid hour.

This movie is horrendous. It's bad on a scale rivalling "Stay Alive." It burns the retinas. I can't enjoy food as much now, as I chewed half my tongue of to keep from cursing in the tongues of the demons.

There is no rating I can give to really do this film justice, but I will try.

This movie is like working-at-the-YMCA-in-Hong Kong-and-having-the-Sumo-wrestling-team-dump-all-their-jockstraps-on-you-after-a-six-hour-session-and-then-having-the-fattest-eat-you-feet-first-with-a-pair-of-chopsticks. And all this happens while wasps sting your sensitive spots.

I don't use this term often, but I hate what this movie did to me. If you only take one thing away from this message, let it be this:

DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE!

Good day, and good viewing.

Pie to a Thousand Faces: Killer Klowns from Outer Space

2006-10-25T09:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, when a mommy movie loves a daddy movie, they make sweet love.

It's very awkward to think about a film strip engaging in coitus, but stay with me for a sec.

Nine months after the little romp in the dark room, a baby movie is born, and it carries all the potential to be a blockbuster.

However, sometimes the mommy film is on the sauce, and the daddy film can't lay off the crack.

That's when you get "Killer Klowns from Outer Space."

I should start this review by talking about the plot, or the effects, or really anything, but I have to mention this now.

John Allen Nelson, of "24" and "Vanished", is in this movie. Of all the actors who could have risked their careers, why John? He has so much going for him. Not in 1988, but now. Thank the gods of movies he made it out alive.

So let's see, clowns who kill, are from outer space, and spell their names with "K".

The movie begins on the same premise as "The Faculty." In that sci-fi extravaganza, famous authors (who were aliens or influenced by aliens) wrote books like "War of the Worlds" and "Tommyknockers" in order to insulate the mainstream from the idea that creatures from beyond actually exist, so that the inevitable invasion would go unnoticed.

In "KKFOS", the circus was made to remind the forgetful public about the horrors of the make-up wearing, tiny car driving menace. From space.

And all the essentials of a carnival--the cotton candy, the popcorn, even the pies--all exist as part of the worst history lesson ever.

So what exactly do these klowns do?

They throw popcorn at you either by hand or with a handy "popcorn gun" (which is a POS Super Soaker with the label removed). The corn then turns into tiny, slinky-necked creatures that eat you or, more likely, harrass you as you get out of the shower.

The protagonist of this unending crapfest is Mike Tobacco (yup, that's the best they could come up with. He's played by Grant Cramer, someone you'll hopefully never give change to whilst using the subway). Mike is in love with Debbie (Suzanne Snyder...no, you'll never hear of her either), but so is county deputy Dave (John Nelson).

If you think this love triangle will be resolved somehow through the medium of an alien invasion....you're wrong. It's just one of the plot lines that dissolve once the crazy begins.

Whilst making out on a lookout point in the back of a crappy car, Mike and Debbie spot a shooting star (read: alien craft entering our atmosphere). Thankfully, no one in this half-a-horse town can hear, so the sonic boom this sucker must have made goes unchecked.

The two lovebirds decide to investigate, and what should they find? A circus tent.

Let that sink in. The spaceship looks like a circus tent. Still with me, or do I need the smelling salts?

They go inside--INSIDE THE CREEPY TENT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN FOREST--to check it out, and discover giant clowns...er, klowns.

Now, I don't know about you, but my crazy meter was about full at this time, and the movie had only run for about fifteen minutes. I thought it couldn't really get any stranger.

I'd chock that idea up to one of my lowest moments on the smarts pole.

Mike and Debbie go to tell Sheriff Mooney (John Vernon...you know him from somewhere, but for the life of you can't place it) Now it's pretty obvious that the last thing any sheriff wants to hear is that giant alien klowns are coming to take over the world and eat the population, but Mooney also happens to be a sack-o'-crap. He threatens to arrest the youngins and sends them on their way.

As the standard sci-fi cliche goes, it's up to these star-crossed lovers to save the day. But they aren't alone. They have two easily forgettable comic-reliefs to help out (Michael Siegal and Peter Licassi--nothing on them either. Apparently this movie is akin to the HIV: Once it's in you, it's all over)

I'd like to take a moment to give a public service announcement: If your town is ever overrun with ugly, large-lipped klowns (who have been known to kill) which reside in outer space, here is a helpful tip to bring the suckers down.

Aim for the big nose. Apparently, whenever Chuckles the Dancing Clown honked his shnozz at your birthday party, he was reminding you of an ancient knowledge from the bowels of human history, when Klowns freely picked at the flesh of mankind.

By placing a bullet or sharp object into the offending snosage, you will be treated to a shower of glitter, turn the klown into a spinning top, and then really crappy special effects take over and disperse the evil klownness.

Now, I know you people out there are wondering how in the hell a killer klown, even one from outer space, can maim, murder, and mistreat the sex-crazed teenagers of Middle America.

Well, there's the aformentioned popcorn gun.

Then there's the cotton-candy-death-ray, which puts people in big pink cocoons that slowly liquify the crunchy humans into a nice slurpy.

There's the big balloons...which really only serve as a way to capture a human so other humans can then rescue them.

There's the fact that they make shadow puppets. And then the shadow EATS YOUR SOUL!

And, of course, pies. Sweet, delicious pies. That melt your face off.

I won't lie to you: This movie knew enough not to take itself seriously. It has a tiny clown car, for crying out loud. It has a baby clown who don't get no respect. It has JOHN F'N NELSON!

Now, you might be wondering how I came across this little carpet stain. Allow me to share some deep, personal memories.

My sister and I used to peruse Blockbuster ("The BB" until Best Buy took that title by force) in search of bad horror movies. Having grown up with Freddy Kruger and Jason Vorhees, I was no stranger to guts and whatnot.

I cannot, with a good conscience, tell you that movies like "Dolls", "Pumpkinhead", and "Dollman VS The Demonic Toys" did not leave some invisible scars in my soul, but I watched them nonetheless. For you people. I burned in the red flame of bad cinema to save you all.

In a way, I'm like some other man who took on the pain and suffering of humanity so that others would live happily. I believe his name was Andy Kaufman.

I don't want to give this movie any credence with a review, nor can I act as though some part of me wasn't attracted to its campy, awful crapulence.

This movie is the spawn of every clown nightmare you've ever had, only made funny and not at all scary. If you have a fear of the clownish pursuasion, watch this movie.

The only way to defeat a phobia is to confront it. And you had too many braincells to begin with.

Watch carefully.

I'd Rather Die: Stay Alive

2006-10-23T11:28:00.000-04:00

Horror movies tend to suck.

The plot lines are cliches of cliches, the acting is teletubby-esque, and the effects are either puke-your-pants disgusting or downright laughable.

Having been reared on "Nightmare on Elmstreet" and "Child's Play" movies, I cannot genuinely find modern horror films scary. This mournful state leaves me questioning the horror scene entirely.

So I would like to be able to say that "Stay Alive" has refreshed my take on the genre.

I would like to, but a lie of that magnitude would cause the great god Maquba (He who resides on High eating 7-layer burritos) to rend my flesh using only a dull spork and digest me for a thousand years in one of his seven great stomachs.

Needless to say, this may be one of the worst movies ever made, and Uwe Boll wasn't even in the same country when it was filmed.

This movie starts with a strike against it before the opening credits roll: It's a movie about a videogame.

Do not confuse this idea with the Videogame turned movie. Though "Resident Evil" was a flawed flick, it at least had the opportunity to appease loyal fans. (It never did, but it had the opportunity)

"Stay Alive" is a movie about a videogame. The game is a central plot element, like the VHS tape in "The Ring" or the chainsaw in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." The idea of this is so stupid that it can't be original.

Indeed, it is not.

This movie draws from other crappy sci-fi films like "Arcade" and Japanese shorts that never should have seen the light of day. Though not based on another, better Asian film (like every other horror movie made in the last three years), "Stay Alive" does fall just as flat.

For starters, let's look at the characters.

Wait, sorry, can't find any.

OK, let's try looking at the charicatures. There we go. Every person in this movie plays a version of the modern gamer in the worst form of stereotyping I've seen since "The Protocols of the Elders of Zion" played on Al-Jazeera.

You have Hutch (Jon Foster...an extra from "Terminator 3") as the broding, wants a real-life-but-can't-get-it-yet gamer who is loyal and friendly and oh-so-shy around the lady-types.

He is friends with October (Sophia Bush, a random hottie from "Van Wilder") and her brother Phineas (Jimmi Simpson from "Herbie Fully Loaded") October is the goth-wannabe who sort-of pines for Hutch but is constantly defending her brother, who can't say a line without offending some race or gender.

For example:"I beta tested once. It was a lot like eating *#(&$%: It's awesome at first, then it just gets (*&$)(% monotonous."

I can't stress to you how sleezy this character is. He's akin to a vat of grease being dumped on a car salesman. I don't know if that conjured up the right mental image, but it sure would be fun to see.

The headliner of this little story is Swink (Frankie Muniz, little Malcolm all grown up). Swink it the younger gamer, smarter and wanting much more to be a tough black kid over a wussy little nerd. His dialogue is generally the dumbest of any of the characters; ironic because he's supposed to be the smart one.

I guess the premise of this tale really sets it apart from the rest of the garbage out there today: If you die in a videogame, you die for real.

Let's say that one again, just in case it didn't sink in the first time: If you die in a VIDEOGAME, you DIE for REAL.

Lose enough brain cells yet?

The game is based off the legend of Count Bathory, the Blood Countess. Had the movie done away with the game and just been a story about Bathory's sick fetish for bathing in blood, this could have been genuinely creepifying and awesome.

Instead, it is lamer than a one-legged race horse.

What bothered me the most was the fact that everyone in the movie was clinically retarded. I'll give some evidence to support this claim.

In one scene, well into the movie, October is out smoking a cigarette. She sees a demon in a window of a half-built house. She throws the butt down in anger and, in a huff, GOES INSIDE TO INVESTIGATE ON HER OWN. Obviously she has a little trouble inside, what with the demonic videogame-graphic-looking Countess attacking her, so she ARMS HERSELF WITH A #(*&$*^%(*^ HAMMER AND NAILS.

For some reason, the writer didn't think the audience was smart enough to remember the title, so the characters mention it EVERY SCENE.

Swink: I'll play the game so we can all STAY ALIVE.
Phineas: The name of the game is STAY ALIVE.
Disembodied Voice: Your only way out is to STAY ALIVE.

I realized about halfway through that the title was really a warning for viewers. It was advice I found hard to follow, but I managed to STAY ALIVE until the end of the film.

I really really hated watching this movie, but not as much as I hate remembering it for this review. I'd like to spend hours telling you all about the hackneyed acting, the unbelievably bad gore, or the random "love story" that crops up like a case of herpes, but I would much rather stick my face into a lawnmower and try to whistle.

This movie gets no rating, as I cannot invent pain suitable for what it did to me.

If I hadn't watched a little "Shaun of the Dead" before now, I doubt I would have been able to STAY ALIVE.

Dead Man Jogging: Dawn of the Dead

2006-10-16T22:30:00.000-04:00

I fear only a few things in this world:

I am afraid of heights. Actually, I'm afraid of falling from heights, or landing after said fall.

I am afraid of spiders, but that's OK because they are the spawn of all that is evil. I mean, they have 8 legs. EIGHT! I get by just fine with two, so what the hell are they using those other six for? Murder, that's what.

I am also, to a lesser extent, fearful of zombies.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Adam, zombies aren't real.

Well, you are a stupid person. Zombies are very real, and are the bane of our living civilization. Just read Max Brook's series "The Zombie Survival Guide" and "World War Z" to understand the ghoulish threat.

As we all know (all of us IN the know) zombies are slow and dumb. This has always been our only real advantage over the horde: We can run and outthink the walking dead.

Unfortunately for everyone, filmmaker Zach Snyder wasn't satisfied with George Romero's trilogy o' perfection, and he had to dream up something awful: A long distance sprint champion zombie.

Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not that fast. I can move when the time calls for it (alien invasion; clearance sale at Best Buy) but for the most part all I can manage is a high speed saunter.

The idea of a zombie on amphetamines scares the bejeezus out of me.

Enter "Dawn of the Dead" 2004.

The story line of this film is similar to the Romero classic: A group of survivors band together in a shopping mall during the inevitable zombie invasion.

Why a shopping mall? It's never really explained why anyone with a brain would try to fortify a building whose sole purpose is to let people in at every orifice. After a few minutes of the movie it becomes a little clearer, as no character is really playing with a full deck.

The main players in this Homeric drama are Ana (Sarah Polley from...a bunch of random crap...and "ExIsTenZe"), Kenneth (Ving F^@%#N Rhames from all that is awesome) and Michael (Jake Weber from "Meet Joe Black").

Michael is undoubtedly the hero, as he works at Best Buy and anyone who works there is a hero in my book. Kenneth is the moping cop who holds out against all odds that he will be reunited with his brother again.

Ana is...well, she's the female lead. Her role involves being put in those precarious situations women like to get into during horror movies. She is attacked in a shower, falls in love with a doomed hero, and is predated upon.

Most people who see the movie say it isn't as good as the original. This is very true, but that is not to say that this film is all bad.

The script is, though. All bad, I mean. It's just not a believable peice of work. The whole "zombies can run for weeks on end, never tiring or tearing the non-breathing muscles" thing really threw me for a loop. The dialogue can also be...sad. But really, for a zombie movie, it ain't half bad.

The acting is nice, even if it is over done. I personally like a little melodrama with my bucket o' gore, so it worked out fine for me.

Which brings me to the gore. The effects team went to the grinder to pull out the best looking headshots I've seen in years. You can really feel the bits of brain and skull when a dead-head gets it. Bravo, creepy tech guys.

As with all horror movies, there needs to be a steady supply of bodies. Now, monster movies and slasher films usually provide a variety of teenagers and old men to rip up, but zombie movies come in a different form.

Since there are already thousands of "bodies" stumbling around, the deaths have to be over-the-top of over-the-top. Heads must be severed, limbs must fly, and at least one person must die in a hideously painful way. Again, the tech guys (creepy though they may be) do not drop the ball.

One issue people had with the film was the ending, and rather than be a complete backbirth and spoil it for you, I will just say this: GET A FREAKIN' LIFE!

We zombie fans get so few movies nowadays, we should be thanking mister Snyder for even gracing the silver screens with his work. Romero only comes out with his golden epics once in a blue moon, so we need to take what we can get. (Not that we enjoy films like "Undead," but you see what I'm getting at)

This film is not perfect. In fact, it's not really up to snuff. But what it does right, it does amazingly. Despite the fact that this movie added a new dimension to my fear of zombies, I enjoyed it.

This movie gets an evening-with-George Romero-and-Kera Knightly-spoiled-by-impromptu-zombie-attack-only-to-see-George-whip-out-a-12-gauge-and-go-to-town-on-the-bastards.

On a personal note, this movie is recommended for dates where one member of the party is either squeamish or easily scared by shock-scenes.

Also, my review of "The Core" somehow ended up below "JC: Vampire Hunter." I attribute this to the fact that Jesus was said to have walked on water, so a puddle of crap like "The Core" should be no problem.

Watch on.

Do I Smell Sulfur? Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

2006-10-10T05:49:00.000-04:00

Most of you read the title of this film and laughed. You probably think this is a joke.

Well, is AIDS a joke?

How about dead puppies?

Yeah, thought not.

I walked into this little bag of tricks whilst visiting my friend Warren. He of course filled me in on the title, but I thought little of that.

I was overconfident. I had seen "Manos: Hands of Fate?" and lived. How much worse could this be?

Well, let's begin. From the beginning. Where things tend to start.

I watched a trailer from this DVD, something I do to gauge the quality of the film by its peers.

The one trailer was, for lack of a better word, a rape of film. It was called "Harry Knuckles."

The main character had knuckle hair that would make His Majesty Kong jealous. And he pretended to fight. A lot.

After having my cerebrum doused in this flamboyant spectacle, we decided to move on to the feature presentation. I actually had a moment of dread, where my stomach kind of pinched up. It passed, but looking back it was my only warning.

The first thing you notice about this film is a man. No, not THAT man, I'm talking about the evangelical bearded menace who springs from behind his mother's garden with a bible in one hand and...well, that's all he's carrying.

Cause that's all he needs.

This man, let's call him "the Bard", introduces you to his mother's house, which is in fact a mirror to our souls. "It's musty," he says, "and neglected."

After watching this film, I wish I'd stuck with neglect.

The first scene is a good taste of what's to come. A woman tries to get into her car. She is assaulted...by a vampire.

We watch said vampire (read: woman with obviously plastic teeth she bought at the 99 cent store) attack a woman, suck her blood, for a spell, kick the door to the car closed so she can slam the corpse into it, then proceed to REOPEN THE DOOR SO SHE CAN GO FOR A DRIVE.

I had a flashback here. "Manos" had just begun, and there were long stretches of footage with no dialogue and no point.

Back to "reality," we meet two priests who are concerned with the Lesbian Shortage (Go ahead. Read it again. It's not gonna change) in Ottowa.

In order to save the diminishing Sapphite population, the priests (one of whom bears an outrageous pink mohawk) enlist the help of one Jesus H. Christ.

They find the son of Man performing a baptism. After informing him of the situation--which he already knew, being JC--the group is assaulted by a group of fanged fiends.

Jesus survives, though the ringleader of the lesbian-leeching-legions escapes. Christ vows to avenge his disciples' deaths and rid the world of these homophobic nosferatu.

In order to do that properly, he shaves his beard, gets a haircut, and puts sizable rings in his ears.

Yup, it's AWESOME CHRIST to the rescue.

After a musical number (yes an honest to G-d musical number, though you'll be pressed to find a handful of talent during the lengthy parade of WTF and ???) Jesus goes off to meet another priest who gives him a place to stay.

This held the title of "most random thing to happen in the movie" for about thirty-eight seconds.

As Jesus plods along the road carrying wood to make stakes, he is attacked by a clown-car full of (dramatic music) ATHEISTS.

I cannot explain how bad the following fight scene is. Needless to say, it is an action sequence with neither action nor...sequences.

Imagine if the baby J (grown up of course) used a mixture of kung-fu poses and epileptic fits to fend off overweight comic store-owning gentry (with the occasional hideous woman thrown in for balance).

Now take a moment of silence for the pain.

The rest of the movie follows suit, with random characters--many speaking in rhyme or scat--appearing to either kill a lesbian or save Jesus.

In one particularly visceral episode, we watch the J-man plead for help from passers-by. The only person to lend aid is...a transvestite. Who sings him a song. And says "goodnight, sweet prince."

I can't make this up.

In order to take on the minions of Satan, Jesus finally enlists the help of a Luchadore, Santo. Next to the freaky doctor who uses lesbian skin to make vampires immune to sunlight (yeah, I didn't quite follow it either), Santo is the oddest character in the movie.

That's not really saying much though. Everyone in this film has that "just escaped from an insane asylum for marrying a gummy-bear" look to them.

Jesus gets to the end of his quest, and the "climax" of this cinematic abortion is a fight scene that stretches the definition.

When the bearded Bard returns to close the film, I applauded. It wasn't just that the crazed man was a much better actor than anyone else in the film, it's just I was so happy for it to be over.

How happy?

Let me give you some insight into what watching this movie is all about.

The production quality made me think it was shot in the 70's. The 1870's. It was made in 2001.

Unlike most bad films, "Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter" didn't suffer from boom mic's jumping into shots. That's because they didn't use booms. Instead, they dubbed in all the audio (poorly) about a year after filming, so any emotion they might have found during the scene is long gone.

The effects....well, let's just shy away from that one. In one scene, a mad scientist rubs his face with what appears to be a sheet of cookie dough. It supposed to be human flesh.

In another, G-d speaks to his son..........through a cherry covered bowl of ice-cream.

In yet another, Mother Mary speaks to Jesus.....through a Christmas ornament that flashes when she speaks.

The music is sub-par for the 70's retro the directors were going for (assuming they had a plan, and this wasn't all just the outcome of LSD and cameras being introduced to the same environment).

During the brief intermission (self imposed. I couldn't take anymore) my friend Yoni tried to burrow out of the room. He was, sad to say, unsuccessful in his endeavors.

If I had to rate this movie, I would take a large and very unpleasant duece on the Holy Bible, mail it to the Pope, and then dunk myself in a vat of acid.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wash out my brain.

And I have a friend named Jack who is going to assist.

The Worst Part of a Movie: The Core

2006-10-08T22:05:00.000-04:00

I want to begin this review with an anecdote.

I spent a year in Israel before college, mainly goofing off. I did volunteer at a fire department in the town of Nitzrat Ilit, or Upper Nazareth.

One thing I learned early on about firefighting is this: There is a LOT of down time.

Since my Hebrew was, at the time, a little bleh, I decided to watch TV in order to dull my brain until the coveted bell rang.

I also learned something about Israeli movie channels.

They show the same movie over....and over.....and over......and OVER!

Thus I ended up watching "The Core" about 57 times.

Give or take.

Even compared to such scientific wonderments as "The Day After Tomorrow" or "Flubber," this movie pushes the boundaries for suspension of disbelief.

The premise is simple: The core of the Earth has stopped spinning. Since the core is iron, it creates our illustrious magnetic field and keeps the Earth in tip-top shape. With it all sorts of jacked up, the Earth "will experience slight turbulence and then ...explode."

Enter renowned...college professor, Dr. Josh Keyes (Aaron Eckhart of "Thank You For Smoking"). Dr. Keyes realizes what is going on after watching a thrilling reenactment of Hitchcock's "The Birds." He promptly turns to drink.

The good doc is dragged before the eyes of the government to outline a plan. His first option: Drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

This does not go over well with the politicians, who had plans to hit on the summer pages. So another "scientist," Dr. Zimsky (Stanley Tucci of "The Devil Wears Prada". Yeah, I saw that one too. And I liked it. I AM WHO I AM. DEAL WITH IT) proposes another solution.

Bore into the center of the Earth, drop off 150 megatons of nuclear arms, then "ride the world's biggest shockwave back to the surface."

Can you smell the intense thrill ride waiting to happen?

Now, this movie needed some human conflict, so the writers decided to throw in a genius (mad) scientist (Delroy Lindo of "Romeo Must Die") who has the technology and know-how to build a machine that can tunnel to the Earth's core in under a few days, withstand the intense pressure and heat, and carry several people both comfortably and precariously, ensuring some will die in painful ways.

He hates the Zimsky fella. So does the rest of the crew. So will you. This is why, by the end of the movie, Zimsky does something stupid and brave that saves lives and the world too. Don't you just love predictable theater?

All crazy, untested craft need crazy, maladjusted pilots. Enter Rebecca Childs (Hillary Swank. Come on, you know what she's been in. Don't even lie). Childs is.....awkward. She does her job well, but is unable to really command anyone, which is why she is overlooked by her peers, employers, and father.

Taste the drama. A little tart? Yeah, my thoughts too.

Keyes brings his own baggage aboard in the form of Serge Leveque (Tcheky Karyo from "The Patriot"). Serge is a weapons tech, and he is pretty much the only character who you would honestly miss if he were gone. Karyo plays him off the cuff, a little absent-minded, and ever the father figure.

Sadly, that is where the acting stopped.

You see, the acting in this movie is bad. Bad in a way that only "Sound of Thunder" or "Mary Kate and Ashley go to Sing Sing" could top. The writing is....well, atrocious is a big word. In fact, it's bigger than the words used in this SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE.

The characters have no memory. As soon as the disposable commander (Bruce Greenwood) takes a lava shower, the crew forgets him and smiles their way on to the next death scene.

The special effects are hit or miss.

Scratch that. They all pretty much foul out. The lightning storm is too over-the-top; the super Global Warming is...well, just kinda bad; and a lot of the stuff aboard the ship is just disappointing. On the plus side, the shuttle crash early on is...ok. Kind of heart... thumping.

The main draw of this movie is..................

.........

No, I'm lost again. This movie shouldn't have been made. The actors deserve better. "Thank You For Smoking" was a hilarious movie, and Ekhart rocked the socks off every scene. Hillary Swank won an Oscar, for crise sakes.

This movie is akin to waking-up-next-to-a-platypus-after-a-long-night-of-binge-drinking-wine-boxes.

I'm actually feeling quite clean (in the movie going sense) as I have seen "The Departed."

I can't review it, as it is an A+++ movie, but I will tell you that it is quite a chaser when drinking down this type of drivel.

Good viewing.

Every Journey Begins With a Flying Scissor Kick: Transporter 2

2006-10-05T23:40:00.000-04:00

Action movies can be ridiculous. That's why we love them.

Governor Arnold (pronounced Ah-Null-d) made the best films before his move to politics. When he eventually steps down after his second term as president, we will all be waiting for "Terminator 4."

I recall with no small amount of pleasure the one-liners of "Total Recall" and "True Lies."

Heck, Sly Stallone had some great moments before he went all sorts of crazy and started making artsy films and bad psychological thrillers ("I See You?" What the hell was that? It felt like the diabetes of film).

Seeing as I am a fan of these films, you can understand my compulsion to flock toward them.

Jason Statham (of "Snatch" fame) returns to the driver's seat in the high-octane, low emission sequel to the sleeper hit "The Transporter" with the aptly named "Transporter 2."

If you recall my review of the first film, I said that "The Transporter" reminded me of a videogame. In the same sense, the sequel reminds me of a comic book.

The hero is deep and brooding, though more than capable of wooing small children and attractive-billionaire wives.

His skills could land him a high paying job anywhere in the world, but he's chosen the life of solitude.

He is basically invincible.

He can fly.

Now, for those of you who haven't seen the movie--and I'm sure there are quite a few of you out there--those last two might not make a whole lotta sense. Allow me to explain.

Anyone who has seen Jason's latest works knows that he is fond of launching himself in the air and delivering a crushing kick via the splits. Gravity, it would seem, is at a loss as to how this all happens, but it is going to get back to me as soon as the numbers are crunched.

In "Transporter 2," Jason's high-wire antics are as insane as possible, rivaling "The Matrix" for implausible stunts.

One scene in particular stands out. My memory is a little hazy (damn you, Mr. Pibb, and all your sugary goodness) so if the images are off from the real thing, forgive me:

Jason breaks into a top-secret biochemical lab,
uncovers the secret plot of the nefarious boss-man,
has the two vials of insanely toxic chemical thrown from a few story window,
DIVES OUT THE WINDOW FACE FIRST,
catches the vials (which are in super-sensitive glass, by the way),
lands shoulder first on a car,
performs a split-second, leap-in-the-air-and-do-the-splits to avoid two crashing cars,
and still catches the tumbling plague jars.

Wow.

The gunplay is over-the-top, which is to say "awesome."

Kate Nauta (from...nothing you'll ever see) plays the henchwoman Lola (with whom there is an awesome boss-fight near the end). She likes to fight crime in the old-fashioned sense. IE, she wears next-to-nothing and wields highly powerful sub-machine guns that no one with spaghetti arms should be able to handle.

The plot is...ok, let's be fair. You aren't here about the plot. You care for it almost as much as you do for mosquito larvae.

A movie such as "The Transporter" is not made to win over Oscar judges; it is made to kick ass and chew bubble gum.

Well guess what, kids?

Jason Statham doesn't chew bubble gum.

The action is, like Native Americans, intense (think about it, get it, groan, get over it). This is the kind of movie that starts up and never stops, leaving you reeling from scene to scene, but in a good way. It's probably a safety feature, the lack-of-plot. Otherwise you might overload and die.

Seriously. I heard it happened to some kid whilst performing a "Die Hard" marathon. Too much awesome. Not enough suck.

If you have yet to put this movie in your Netflix queue, go on ahead. It's very dumb, as you probably figured by watching the previews, but it's very worth it. You'll laugh at yourself for watching, but walk away happy.

I'd rate this movie a night-of-watching-"LOST"-reruns-whilst-cuddled-up-with-Famke Jansen who, while not in this movie, is smokin' in ways you can only dream of.

Now I've got to get some sleep.

I still have to watch "Crank", and I hear it's "an adrenaline rush unlike any you've ever experienced."

Pray for me.

Hail to the King: Army of Darkness

2006-10-03T01:30:00.000-04:00

Let's face it: Anyone who knows B-movies has seen "Evil Dead."

This symbolic franchise from legendary filmmaker Sam Raimi launched his career.

The story is simple: Take on group of horny teenagers, add a spooky cabin, sprinkle in some voodoo and black magic and...voila! Cult classic.

The blood is over the top, the creatures are sadistic and witty, and the camera is all over the place.

It's B movie at its best.

So what happens when the same movie gets a sizable budget to work with?

"Army of Darkness"

Bruce Cambell--aka the biggest B-movie star in history--stars as Ash, a rough-around-the-edges clerk from S-Mart (sporting-goods dep.). He's just been dumped in the Dark Ages in the middle of two angry kingdoms duking it out.

Like any good time traveling hero, he is immediately siezed and thrown "into the pit". After one of the funniest monster fights in the history of film, Ash earns the reverence of the "primates" and starts his adventure to get home.

Now I could go on and on about the Book of the Dead, the damsel in distress, the deadite army, and of course, the twin Ash, but I don't want to ruin what is one of my all time favorites.

From a purely objective point, this movie is bad. And it knows it. And it loves it.

The camera work is brilliant, because you can do anything when you don't have money for big rigs.

The special effects are in the "Jason and the Argonauts" range, though the multi-layered images tend to get fuzzy after the third or fourth plane.

The action sequences are, for lack of a better term, KICK-AWESOME (it's my own terminology. Take it, chew it, love it) Bruce Cambell, sans one hand, uses a chainsaw and his trusty boomstick (12 gauge Remington with a hair trigger) to mow down the dissidents of the dark realm.

"Army of Darkness" brought me into the world of B-movies and kept me there despite all the pain and misery such films can cause. The outright humor and over-the-top attitude make this flick a classic in every sense of the word.

Like all good B-movies, "Army of Darkness" is about a character with a square jaw. Namely: Ash.

Ash is the epitome of B-movie action hero. he spouts off one liners (Hail to the king, baby; Groovy) while fearlessly taking on demons and skeletons. He is so BA that he sawed off his own hand when it "went bad".

For those of you not in the know, Ash is a carryover from Bruce and Sam's earlier films "Evil Dead" and "Evil Dead 2". These were essentially the same movie with different characters. That isn't so much a bad thing, as both were attrociously amazing and earned their place at the top of the B-movie food chain.

What makes me sad is the fact that, while Sam went on to direct "Spider-Man" and "The Grudge" (shudder), Bruce has only gone as far as "Hercules," "Brisco County Jr," and "Man With the Screaming Brain." Sometimes there's just no justice in tinsel town.

If you haven't seen "Army of Darkness" or the "Evil Dead" movies, go do it now. If you are reading this blog and enjoying yourself, you'll get a kick out of these items.

I'd rate them being-named-king-of-a-small-island-nation-and-having-a-thousand-Kate Beckinsales-as-your-harem.

Yeah, it's good to be the king.

"Hail to the king, baby."

Quietly Elevating: Silent Hill

2006-09-27T11:30:00.000-04:00

Videogames that transcend the small screens of our televisions to the large, silver panels often lack a connection to their roots.

"Super Mario Brothers" had goombas, but they were fat with small heads, not small with big heads as in the game.

"Resident Evil" had bad actors in make-up, not scary-ass zombies with a severe lack of face happening.

So it's often expected that any movie with a videogame tie-in will reflect mainly the idea, if not the actual image, of the franchise.

"Silent Hill", however, is an exception.

It captures the essence of the game in a very real way.

Unfortunately, that's not a good thing.

"Silent Hill" the game is about a cursed town full of disturbing images, bad voice-acting, cutting edge CGI, fog, and demons that make you long for the peaceful halls of "DOOM".

While playing the first game, I was overwhelmed by the atmosphere. The developers, working with the orignal Playstation, had opted for high visuals and low visibility--the infamous "fog"--but the effect was mind blowing.

The movie keeps the fog, and the darkness of the dungeons, and even keeps most of the standard enemies and bosses (such as Pyramid Head, the oddest and most perverted nemesis I've seen in years).

What doesn't work is the outcome. The game was disturbing and confusing at times. So is the movie.

But when I finished the game I felt the satisfaction of having completed a challenge.

When the movie ended, it had been a challenge to finish, but I was not satisfied.

The acting is standard for any videogame, ie poor. Radha Mitchell ("Finding Neverland") is hit or miss for some of her scenes, which can only be attributed to the director not knowing whether his character is freaked out or driven to find their daughter. She could have demons biting her feet one moment, and the next she'd say, deadpan, that she wasn't leaving until she found her adopted daughter.

NEWS FLASH: You can adopt other daughters! They're practically giving them away. And if you're real lucky, she'll be possessed in some form or another too, or perhaps she'll go into film and make an indie-flick that kills people in a week.

But I digress.

The script is passable, for a game, though it lacks any defining path from plot point to plot point. Actually...is there a plot in this movie? I mean, the whole mom-and-little girl thing is cute, but I'm reasonably sure that take-your-child-to-a-creepy-haunted-town day was a month ago.

The CGI is good, and I mean good, making the creatures pop out at you. Apparently they had contortionists play many of the demons to give them a creepy figure. It worked. I hadn't been so disturbed since "Se7en" showed us the fun of turning strap-ons into weapons.

Gore is abound, but not overdone--at least for the first half of the movie. There are later scenes where barbed wire is used innappropriately and in ways I can't describe on a public forum.

Let's just say that Mr. Pyramid Head has a little fun with the saying "beauty is only skin deep."

All in all, the film let me down. I was rooting for it the whole time, even through some terrible scenes and worse acting. I stuck with it, cheering on the director and scriptwriter. But then, suddenly, the credits popped up and I was left alone.

I really wanted this to be the movie that brought videogames to the next level, but alas, it is not so. "Silent Hill" is just another reason why people don't take gamers seriously.

This movie rates taking-Natalie Portman-out-for-a-romantic-evening-at-her-behest-only-to-have-her-say-she-just-wants-to-be-friends.

I, however, remain optimistic that the next movie based on a game will breach the surface of the Box Office. I see that day is far off, but it will come.

Unless no one has run down Uwe Boll in a Sears parking lot yet.

Speaking of which, can I borrow someone's car?

Plug Your Ears: A Sound of Thunder

2006-09-26T01:23:00.000-04:00

Science fiction is a dangerous genre.

Aliens can attack from within; robots can (and will) turn on their makers; and just about anything that can go wrong will, in the course of the film, go FUBAR.

However, if the film itself is monumentally flawed, none of this matters.

So how do I describe "A Sound of Thunder"?

Imagine the movie is like the sun, and staring into it directly hurts your eyes.

Now stab yourself in the eyes at the same time.

I am an advocate for the use of CGI in films. I think that, in copious amounts, CGI can drown a film. When used productively, computer effects bring you into a new world of flavor.

But when, in 2005, your images look like rejects from some 1960's claymation epic, you might as well use puppets.

The movie opens with a group of time-traveling hunters stalking an allosaurus. I could have shot the introduction with plastic dinosaurs and a cell phone.

Edward Burns is about the only thing close to a lead in this flick. He plays a scientist, Travis Ryer, who helps keep a corrupt businessman (played by Ben Kingsley of "Bloodrayne" fame) in action.

Obviously the conflict comes from playing with the past. According to the HollyWood BS Theorem, anything is possible. Apparently, when you step on a butterfly in the past, crazy things happen in the future.

In chronological order of the evolution of the species.

And nothing is what it seems.

I'm not going to say this film was bad. I leave that judgment to you.

Firstly, the effects suck, but we've been through that. Scenes involving green screens often make you long for the good old days of puppets and superimposition. I often found myself recalling video games with fuzzy FMV sequences. Only they had better production values.

The script isn't terrible, but it is very poor. Most of the time you'll feel as though the writer just got lazy and gave up, outsourcing the scriptwriting duties to a trained lemur.

The characters are...flat? One-dimensional? Not able to express emotions?

I found the movie uninspiring, with most of the scenes carrying that "it's been done before and better" mentality.

Things jump out from behind boxes and dark windows; creatures are everywhere and hunt in packs; the one easy way to do something is destroyed, leaving only the really, really, ridiculously hard way.

I've seen this movie a dozen times before, only it has never been so poorly implemented.

Something that really irked me throughout the film was the lack of a beautiful woman. Both of the female leads are....OK. Catherine McCormack ("Shadow of the Vampire") is the love interest, at least as far as I could tell, and is decidedly uninteresting for two hours.

Jemima Rooper (The Black Dahlia) is the other gal in this flick, but all she does is act foolish and brave until her "death".

I'd like to tell you the disposable characters in the film make a dent on you as you watch, but in reality they don't. They just exist to die.

Finally, and really my final dissappointment with the film, was the main monster throughout the last act: Baboonasaurus. It was, perhaps, the worst animated creature of the 21st century.

I can't explain it any better than that.

This movie was "a soul-sucking waste" that made me ashamed of cinema.

That'll satisfy as a rating for now.

I'm gonna watch something else.

Something bad.

And then I'll be right back here again.

The Top 10 Uses for Romanian Prostitutes: Bloodrayne

2006-09-21T22:31:00.000-04:00

When a brilliant screenwriter passes off his work to a stellar director, a masterpiece is created.

When a somewhat bland script meets up with a talented auteur, a sleeper hit is born.

And if a dismal piece falls in the lap of a young and excitable visionary, a cult classic can happen.

But take any script and give it to Uwe Boll and you get....well, what's worse than "bad"?

Let me begin by saying that "Bloodrayne" is Uwe Boll's best film yet. I'll qualify that by reminding you he is still the worst director of film since Dziga Vertov (no offence to Vertov lovers, "Man With A Movie Camera" was not for me).

As far as plots go, this one ain't too shabby. Rayne (Kristanna Loken from T3)is a half-vampire--half-human hybrid (think Blade). She's a little bit leaky in the brainpan, as the saying goes, and she works at the circus with her....lesbian lover/obtuse friend/pointless extra until she manages to escape.

Once on the lam, she discovers that she hates other vampires and spends her time drinking their blood and killing them (not always in that order). Through absolutely no plot devices, she finds her way to a monastary and learns about the evil Kagan (Ben Kinglsey...seriously, they got him for this movie).

There are random fight sequences that serve to up the ante on the gore scale, a completely pointless sex scene, and more random snippits of dialogue that serve to remind you the actors in the film could be doing better things.

And let's take a look at this cast. It really boggles my mind at how Uwe manages to ensnare these folk. Michael Madsen (Kill Bill), Michelle Rodrigues (LOST), Meatloaf (from...you know...delicious Sunday dinners), and Billy Zane. These are all people who, at one time or another, were at the top of the Hollywood food chain. In fact, last time I checked, Michelle wasn't doin' too bad. Neither, for that matter, was Michael or Billy. And Meatloaf can do what he wants cause he's F'n Meatloaf.

The script is passable, written by the same crazy lady who penned "American Psycho." Granted, she hasn't hit much since then, but she put together a reasonable story line that precedes the game this is based on.

And let's not forget the game. Ever since "Super Mario Brothers" gave us bouncing plumbers and....well, more fun than I care to share with you now, video game movies have tried to have at least one scene with the actors performing a video game move.

"Mortal Kombat" had Johnny Cage's split-and-punch-to-the-crotch. "Tomb Raider" had the double-fisted (Double D) gunplay from Ms. Laura Croft. "Resident Evil" had....zombies. Of a sort.

So "Bloodrayne" is no different. Rayne carries two oddly shaped swords and uses them to turn enemies into sushi. This is where Uwe took the gore a little bit far.

Now I'm a guy, which means I automatically like several things: Explosions, Women, Sports, and of course, gratuitous violence. However, watching a man have a sword shoved through his cheek and out the back of his head, while mind-numbingly gory, was not my idea of entertaining.

The first couple of blood baths are fun, but after that it gets old. Rayne faces a never ending swarm of idiotic baddies whose sole purpous is to die painfully.

Also, and this is a small point of contention. This movie is based in or around the 1800s. For those of you who don't know, "Bloodrayne" the game was based in NAZI GERMANY. That's what made it so awesome. You were a dominatrix-esque vampire whose fetish was ripping the Third Riech a new one.

What is surprising is the special effects. While not great by any stretch, they are very passable for a cheesy horror flick. I found myself enjoying the vampire-death effect in a small but meaningful way.

But we would be remiss to forget that this is, indeed, an Uwe Boll epic. Which means there needs to be sex, and it needs to be pointless.

Kristanna Loken is a beautiful woman, and she possesses...great charm. But having her randomly attack and lustfully abuse a man, while fine in a few respects, made no sense whatsoever. There was no follow up, either, save a look passed between the two characters in the next scene.

Most of the movie is hard to follow, especially when you just took two NyQuil and are passing out in your chair. Rayne seems to move as fast as one can think, jumping from area to area in video game form, but without a necessary cut scene to explain the background.

I did not hate this movie, but that does not mean I recommend it. The lighting is passable, the script is.....original, but everything else falls short in a typical Uwe fashion. He just doesn't know movies. Or people. Or how to make cereal.

Some of you may have read the title and wondered, "WTF?" Allow me to explain.

Uwe Boll is a practical man, if nothing else can be said about him. He needed some naked women for one of his scenes so, rather than hiring some aspiring young actresses, he bought a few Romanian hookers.

I'm serious.

Anyway, after the "end" of the movie, but which I mean the trippy rehash of the bloodiest scenes, randomly placed after the final battle (in case you still had some lunch to lose), I smiled, nodded, and passed out. I guess that's the best I can ever expect from the viral entity Uwe Boll.

I'll give this movie a flirting-with-Kristanna Loken-when-she-suddenly-turns-into-the-Terminatrix-and-removes-your-spine-via-your-chode.

I'm gonna watch something terrible now. It's not that I want to.

It's so you don't have to.

My Special Hell: Alone in the Dark

2006-09-19T09:29:00.000-04:00

I have seen the darkness, and its name is Boll.

From time immemorial, when the line of Good and Evil (the capital letter variety) was often crossed with lies and deceit, a lone figure kept the balance.

His name was Florine, and he was a Seraph of the Lord.

I'm guessing he was out sick the day Uwe Boll stepped out from behind his pile of fecal matter and pain and entered our world.

I usually try to throw a little gem of good humor in with my reviews, but here I cannot.

Here is where I draw the line:

"Alone in the Dark"

I can't actually express how bad this film is, but I will try.

Take every aspect of filmmaking, from the actors to the writing to the use of a gaff. Find every little nuance that goes into the production of a feature-length movie.

Now do it bass ackwards.
Then poo on it.
Then mail it to Hitler and have him add his own personal flavor.
Finally, bury it for a thousand years and perform sick and twisted rituals upon the ground until the souls of the damned engulf the final copy.

Now you have "Alone in the Dark" as directed by Kubrick.

To get the Uwe Boll version, multiply by a BILLION.

I hated this movie. Yes, I really can use the word "hate" here. Every second watching it was painful. I bled from the ears and anus, and that stains couches.

The "stars" of this movie include Stephen Dorff (Blade), Christian Slater (he's the guy who REALLY wants to be Jack Nicholson) and Tara Reid (Van Wilder). Every one of them should be ASHAMED to be in the listings.

Uwe Boll is a director who prides himself on taking video games and turning them into movies. What he is infamous for is taking beloved games and BURNING THEM AT THE STAKE.

Everything this man touches turns to ash before our eyes, but he continues. And since he films in Germany, he gets a huge government compensation that lets him make his filth for free (basically), meaning he can afford big-name actors and then ruin their careers.

Edward Carnby (Slater) was an orphan. Something crazy happened. Now demons are loose in our world, and some prophecy is being fulfilled.

That's the story, as far as I can remember. There are some relationships that don't make sense (a love triangle that doesn't exist but is hinted at) some "action" sequences that made me long for the lightning-paced "English Patient" and effects that use the same defenition of "special" as the Olympics of the same name.

My eyes bled.

The sound effects...THE SOUND EFFECTS...were attrocious. I felt offended by them. I wrote letters to the ACLU to have these sounds removed from effect CDs immediately. The lawsuit is pending on the case of my raped eardrums.

The writing....well, it was in English. Other than that I can barely speak of it. I think Uwe managed to secure the early drafts of the monkeys commissioned to rewrite the works of Shakespear.

Even the music was bad. The MUSIC. I ripped off an ear to get away from the horrendous, screeching notes of the soundtrack.

The CGI was awful; on par only with cheesy sci-fi films of the 80s and, perhaps, the septic tank of ILM's "D" squad. The monsters were horrible parodies of better creations, and their movements were jerky and never fit with the actors.

Finally, there is the direction. This I saved for last due to the fact that only with superb direction could this flop have become a cult favorite. Unfortunately for the lucky few of us who actually played the original "Alone in the Dark," Uwe Boll is not a superb director.

I wouldn't even give him a nod as a half-decent human being.

His idea of a tense action sequence is a slide show of flashes, action poses, and monster faces. I fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face, asking a defiant G-d how this man is not burning in the depths of hell for his bastardization of the cinematic arts.

I rate this movie being-kicked-repeatedly-in-the-groin-by-a-500-lbs-Albanian-prostitute-who-proceeds-to-stomp-on-your-junk-until-it-FALLS-OFF!

Or for you lady types, imagine giving birth to an elephant. An elephant covered in spikes.

This is, without a doubt, the worst movie ever made.

And Uwe Boll is still making them.

Acid Trip for the Whole Family: Aeon Flux

2006-09-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

I will never say that Charlize Theron is not attractive.

In fact, if someone were to make such a statement, I would be bound by law to beat them with a hollow tube until they saw the error of their ways.

So when I slipped the disc for "Aeon Flux" into my PS2, my first thought was: "At least Charlize Theron will be hot in this."

I wasn't wrong.

But neither was I right to say that Miss Theron is the only good thing in the film.

Let's face it: sci-fi movies come and go like the wind, and often bring unkind tainted aromas to the genre. For every "Serenity" there are four "Attack of the Giant Leeches".

I went into "Aeon Flux" with as low an expectation as could be managed under the circumstances.

My roomate had already released a litany of criticism upon the movie, and everyone I asked made faces akin to watching an episode of the "Simple Life."

The "plot" of this flick is.......alarming? Confusing? A bit unkempt? Let's just say it makes no f'n sense.

Charlize (yup, I'm on a first name basis with her) acts as the super-heroine Aeon who fights with an underground rebellion against the Goodchild Regime. The Goodchilds...Goodchildren?...have been ruling over what's left of humanity after a virus wipes out 99% of the planet.

Apparently, in the future, fighting a totalitarian cabal involves a lot of wire-work and sex appeal.

Theron flies around the screen in less attire than Mila Jovovich in "5th Element". I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's just...a...thing.

The effects are satisfactory, and more than what you would expect from an MTV movie. Explosions are unfortunately few and far between, but the eye candy isn't the CGI.

It's Charlize. All the time.

The fighting is reminiscent of "Equilibrium", a sleeper hit with Christian Bale (review to come...eventually?) Miss T can swing her legs in fantastical ways that make you want to...fight...her?

Ok, I need a break.

(Cold shower wait 5)

I'm back.

The acting is pretty bad. Not Uwe Boll bad, or "Starship Troopers 2" bad, but lame enough that you won't believe much of what comes out of peoples' mouths.

The writing isn't too far from the mark, so the delivery stings and makes you feel bad for the players.

One thing that was very distracting, the whole damn movie, was the fact that scenes tended to meld together. There were so many dream sequences and slow motion chases, I often found myself wondering where in the hell people were, and how they got there.

It kinda reminded me of "Wild Wild West" (review...NEVER). That whole "film", I was wondering how in the hell Will Smith managed to be EVERYWHERE at once.

I can't remember much of the original anime show on MTV, but if you enjoyed that little diddy, you might as well throw this one up on your Netflix queue.

As for ratings....I'll give this one a Salsa lesson administered by one Charlize Theron.

Enjoy.