Small Parts May Choke Everyone: Dollman vs the Demonic Toys

This review is dedicated to my sister, who is a witch and eats young children.

Sometimes people make really terrible movies. This is a fact you loyal readers should already be aware of.

But once in a blue moon, producers do something really awful.

I mean, it's Biblical.

"Voodoo Moon" comes to mind.

Let me tell you a story, because I know you're interested.

When I was a young lad (bucking, one could say) around the same time that me and my sister discovered "Killer Klowns from Outer Space," we found a little movie.

It was called "Dollman vs the Demonic Toys".

Now, I thought that this was just a bad idea complementing other bad ideas, but I was very wrong.

This was, in fact, three movies combining to make one awful sequel.

"Dollman", as best I remember, is about a futuristic cop (or maybe transdimensional) who shrinks and fights...robots?

I won't lie, I only made it through the first few scenes before my brain shutdown--that's a safety mechanism to keep me from getting brain damage.

"Demonic Toys" is basically a huge rip-off of "Puppet Master". Toys, made by the Devil, come to life to kill a bunch of--you guessed it--oversexed teens.

The last of the trilogy of tripe is "Bad Channels."

Let's see. Aliens...music videos...nurses in skimpy outfits...zombies?

Somehow, all of this leads to a woman shrunk in a jar. Really, it's all that simple.

The film was nuts, but did have some of the most randomly entertaining songs you'll never hear anywhere else. It may have been the first truly awful film prequel I'd seen.

Combine these elements and you have something beyond words.

"Dollman vs the Demonic Toys"

So I can't recall much about this movie because, for the life of me, I can't find a copy to watch.

It appears the FDA and CDC removed all copies from Blockbuster and Netflix in order to prevent a catastrophic outbreak of herpes--herpes of the brain.

Thus I will attempt to remember as much as I can.

Dollman takes on these toys, demonic as they are, in some sort of shopping center/mall. As every single character in this film is shrunken or manufactured by the Morning Star, every set is a mock-enlarged world.

Desktops and notebooks stand as mountains over the actors. Pencils become lethal weapons, and a Barbie (R) mansion is...well, a mansion.

Tim Thomerson plays Dollman, firing his laser pistol from the hip at the Jack in the Box demon as he dodges from Playschool (R) playset to Tinkertoys (R). If he made any hilarious one-liners, I can't recall them at this time. Needless to say, Jack Bauer he is NOT.

His girlfriend (read: the only girl on the planet who beleives "size doesn't matter" when the man is a half a foo tall) is Judith Gray from "Bad Channels". She plays the role of damsel in distress, getting picked up by demonic toy after demonic toy all in the pursuit of giving this movie a plot.

She fails at that goal, but looks good in torn clothing so it's all forgivable.

The leader of the demonic toys is Baby Oopsie-Daisy.

Take a minute with that one. In fact, take a break from this blog, go for a run, eat some sushi, and come back with a fresh perspective.

This is literally a doll that pees turned evil by demonic possession. It's definitely one of the seven signs of the coming End of Days.

The plot centers around the return of the evil seed, Lucifer, via Judith Gray's microscopic womb. The father of the bastardly abomination is the baby-faced doll.

But, alas, though he can pee, he isn't exactly...ahem..."equipped" for this mission.

Thankfully the Lord of Darkness has a magical spell that converts plastic parts into...well, let's just say a choking hazard label doesn't cover this particular item.

From what little I remember of this movie, the scene where Baby OD get's his l'l Louisville slugger is priceless. Thunder and lightning and a tiny smiling baby shouting "I'm changing! I'm changing!"

And then the love scene.

I'm kidding, there isn't any puppet porn in this particular film experience. Instead, you get to watch a shrunken woman kick a baby doll in the nuts.

As MasterCard would say, "priceless."

This movie was basically the worst idea out of three terrible ideas. It was a bowl obstruction in a seventy-year-old man during his bimonthly enema. It was the most powerful form of failure in democracy since William Taft's bill on pork barreling.

Basically it was as bad as anything that has ever seen the light of day.

This was worse than Casper Van Deen as Tarzan.

Some people like to equate this movie to any other cult classic. That is a falicy.

Cult classics tend to, oh I don't know, have redeeming qualities. "Army of Darkness" is a cult classic because it is, without a doubt, the manliest zombie-fest in our history.

But this...tripe, this filth can't be called anything but a vicious joke on the movie-going public.

Watching this film should only be attempted in a controlled environment, with medical personnel on standby.

Still, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to sit down and attempt viewage one more time. As I mentioned before, Netflix is woefully unable to provide me with this arsenic, so I ask for anyone out there to find a copy.

Don't watch it, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but tell me where to find it and I will do a proper review, rather than this nostalgic rumination.

I have some more material coming up as the summer movie crapfest continues with trilogy after trilogy.

Keep safe, and, as always,

Watch carefully.

Summer Movie Fun Times

It's summer time.

That last sentence was for those of you who live inside caves somewhere in the middle of Antarctica and, though you have the use of the internet, sometimes you need a reminder of the seasons as you always appear to be in the middle of Winter's colon.

As I have not seen anything new and awful in quite some time (barring the most recent episode of "Who Wants to Date My Dead Goldfish") so I've decided to give you all (my fifteen person audience) a chance to change the course of Blog history.

Again.

That's right, I'm taking suggestions. And no, this isn't just a ploy to force me into less work. This is a chance for all of you to pick your favorite worst movie and have me give it a whirl.

I will still review anything bad I happen across, but this is a treat for all of you out there, so go ahead and let fly.

And, as always,

Watch carefully.

--AK

From the Makers of 24--2: The Sentinel

>>WARNING<<
Some spoilers ahead

I am a huge fan of "24."

I say this in order to set the tone for the rest of this review.

Most people view the show as more crazy conservative programming from FOX. And that's all well and good, but it's much more than that.

"24" is a statement of machismo and glory that surpasses all other television programs, including other staples of mine such as "Battlestar Galactica", "Prison Break" and "Firefly." In each hour of the action-packed day, Jack Bauer (Keifer Sutherland of all that is badass) draws in attention like a magnet.

It's honestly amazing what the writers pack into each day (though, I will concede that this last day did suck just a wee bit).

So when a movie comes out starring Mister Sutherland as a big time Secret Service man, with Michael Douglas in for the ride no less, I couldn't say no.

Actually, I said "no" for a long time, mainly because the ratings were as poor as can be.

But now, given the new freedom summertime has alotted me, I dove into the movie with a mind set toward darkness and bags of awful dialogue.

And I wasn't entirely disappointed.

"The Sentinel" is a below-average political thriller wrapped in a below-average action movie.

It's very hard to make a political thriller nowadays without pissing off half the country. "24" consistently touches on hot-button issues such as Islamic fanatics, torture of terrorists and the ability of a sitting president to sleep with or without his wife.

But "The Sentinel" plays it safe and dredges up a bad guy from beyond the grave, namely the KGB.

For those of you who never watched a James Bond film before "Tomorrow Never Dies" (and shame on all of you), the KGB stands for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti, which is Russian for "Super Secret Spy and Torture of Dissidents Agency Which May or May Not Kill Everyone in a Vain Attempt at Covering Our Failing Country's Great Flaws and Failures."

The KGB squared off against our own CIA for the many years of the Cold War (if you still don't know what's going on, punch yourself until I stop laughing). In this film, for some reason, some guy with some connection to the KGB (no, that's never explained) wants the president dead (again, for reasons we don't fully comprehend.

Somehow he has a man inside the Secret Service, those sunglasses-wearing, square-jawed BAMFs we always see around the president. The idea of getting a man on the inside the Secret-F-ing-Service is a pretty big stretch, but you haven't even seen the movie yet, so you have no idea how far it goes.

The star of the film is Michael Douglas, who plays the role of Agent Pete Garrison, the head of the First Lady's detail, and her man on the side. His long career was punctuated by a few rounds taken in the service of President Reagen. Now he spends his time joking around with old friends and diddling the most powerful woman in office.

Now the Secret Service is not only a security team for the president, they also have an incredible team of investigators working out of the Treasury. In this case, the head investigator is a hotshot agent named David Breckenridge, but you can call him Jack.

That's right. Jack Bauer is the co-star of this movie.

Don't let the name they've given him fool you. Jackie's been known to take on aliases in order to penetrate the highest levels of governments. In this case, he's on the inside of our own Secret Service, looking for dirt and coming up with both hands full.

His mannerisms, his looks, even the way he draws his weapon and fires at the baddies is all signature Jack B. They stop having his character addressed by any name just you don't have to remind yourself that this is in fact Jack Bauer and not some stupid David person.

So here's how it all goes down.

An informant drops some information on Pete's lap that intimates an imminent assassination attempt on the president. Pete begins the investigation, but all the evidence soon points to him.

What happens next is a high-octane chase remenicient of "The Fugitive" only with less acting. Pete is one of the best trained agents the Secret Service has ever had, and now he has to use all of his skills against his own in order to survive.

Jack is always one step behind, sometimes even arriving at the same building only seconds after Pete leaves. They have some sordid personal history that serves to instigate a few shoving matches and is politely forgotten when the audience realizes they never gave a crap.

The action, for the most part, is pretty dry. The "shoot-outs" last slightly longer than they would in reality, but too short to really grab the adrenal glands and squeeze. The director didn't know whether to go for realism or punchy action, and the mix doesn't really work.

In fact, a lot doesn't work. There are moments when the writers didn't know how to segue to another scene, so they opted not to. Scenes just follow each other the viewer is meant to figure it out.

News flash, writers. THIS DOESN'T WORK!

People don't go to movies in order to put together intricate puzzles. And even if we did, we don't want a three thousand piece puzzle with half the picture missing.

One of the highlights of this movie (aside from the startling fact that Kim Basinger is still a striking and gorgeous woman of 80) is Eva Longoria. Honestly, I don't know why she's in this movie.

True, she's absolutely the most beautiful woman in a Secret Service movie this summer, but her character doesn't add anything to the plot. She acts mainyl as a bridge character, constantly forgoing her own investigation to chat with fugitive Pete about how he needs to turn himself in.

She also tries to get to know Jack B., but he's too jaded from years of pain to be interested.

I don't know what to tell you guys, this film lacked a lot. I liked the fact that it paid a little homage to the shadows behind all great men, the Secret Service. There are few movies that even acknowledge these heroic people, and it's high time someone took notice.

Granted, they do it poorly, but I give an A for effort.

This movie really needed a better action director and a few more writers, but it does a passable job of retelling a story Tom Clancy probably wrote in his sleep, then forgot because it was so below his usual standards of excellence.

I give this film four stars for Eva Longoria, Kim Basinger, Michael Douglas and Jack B--I mean Keifer Sutherland.

Watch carefully.