Where Am I?

Good Question.

I just moved to a new apartment at the beginning of a school year that seems destined to end my streak of fun and happiness.

Or, more accurately, my senior year of college.

I'm taking a small break so I can get a handle on my classes, and then I will be back.

To keep you all happy, here are some mini-reviews.

I Need Bug Spray: Insecticidal



Imagine if a horny teenager got ahold of Final Draft and, whilst watching a Discovery Channel investigation of the insect world, fell asleep on his laptop.

That's basically how you would get the script for "Insecticidal."

This movie was worse than any B-Insect movie I've ever seen. I can't go into too much detail (what about "mini-review" don't you get) but I'll the main points.

The "hot" mean girl was actually a rather ugly (sorry if I seem shallow, but eye candy is an integral part of B-movie villainesses) whore of a woman.

The cliches were so intense I actually was blinded by the obvious.

The effects cost $14.95, to include the labor of designing and animating the bugs, the program to create said animations, and the computer to run them. Yes, this movie's special effects were created by a generation one Gameboy.

The plot notwithstanding, this was the dumbest storyline I've seen in quite some time.

The characters (not the actors, but the F students they portray) were actually unaware of their environment to the degree they didn't notice a SIX FOOT SCORPION banging around their house, or a trail of slime so thick is painted the walls green.

The characters are cliched, which was the only good thing about the movie. I said the lines before they came out of the actors' mouths.

Finally, and this is just awful, there is a scene where, for a good two minutes, you watch a guy pee.

Seriously.

This movie sucked like a giant mosquito, only without the merciful death that accompanies.

Just Shut Up: Dead Silence



You knew this was going to be a bad movie when you saw the previews.

Why?

There was a nursery rhyme attached.

"Beware the stare of Mary Shaw
She had no children, only dolls
and if you see her, do not scream
or she'll rip your tongue out, at the seam"

Drink that one in, because you'll hear it five times before the end of the film.

Not since the glory days of Freddy Krueger has anyone been bold enough to try the ol' nursery rhyme trick. You know why? BECAUSE IT NEVER WORKS!

Seriously, Freddy got lucky with that one.

So let's start with a young man finding his wife murdered, her tongue ripped out (at the seam?) He goes off on a quest to learn more, all while being the prime suspect in the slaying.

The lead detective (Donnie Wahlberg, who should know better) is the only good character in the movie. He makes jokes, shaves (though always has a 6 o'clock shadow) and talks to the dead (not in a John Edwards sense, more of a creepy cop sense).

So along the way you learn that our lead man (Ryan Kwanted from nothing ever again) is descended from a line of folk who have been killed by the ghost of Mary Shaw, a famous ventriliquist who, by the way, was INSANE.

She killed a boy and tried to make him a puppet, so the townsfolk (rightfully) cut out her tongue and killed her.

So now she haunts the town to take revenge for...the revenge they took.

In most monster movies, the ghost was wrongfully killed and now haunts to get revenge. In this movie, the ghost is a whore who lost fair and square and is now being even meaner.

So how does she kill you?

Well, unless you scream, she doesn't.

I'm serious. If you see her, she smiles and slowly floats toward you. And then, inevitably, you scream.

Then she smiles even wider (she was made to look like a dummy herself) and flies into your mouth. She rips out your tongue and adds it on to her own ever growing stamp licker.

And that's the crux of the story.

I can't explain how disappointed I was with this piece of trash. It had no potential and lived up to that sense of lacking.

If you have a choice between "Dead Silence" and biting into a burning coal, you may need to really think about the consequences of either action.

I'm off to watch more bad films.

Watch carefully.

Dear Joss, It's Me, Adam

And lo, Joss said unto his followers "there will be only one edition."

Much fear and sadness gripped the Whedon-Nation, and many chose to end their lives (in the WoW sense) rather than face a world without Serenity.

And yet today, as we speak, new light sheds down from above.

Joss Whedon has (apparently) recanted his earlier wishes and forgiven the impudence of his followers.

A Collectors Edition of "Serenity" has finally emerged.

I don't have much to say, except that you should all go BUY THIS right now.

Seriously, right the hell now.

Can't stop the signal.

Don't Judge a Book: Stardust

This can't be happening. I can't believe what I just saw.

Seriously.

I have spent most of my adult life trying to prevent books from becoming movies, mainly out of a steadfast sense of humanity.

Yet here, with one of my favorite author's novellas on the line, I was asleep at the watch.

And the world will reap the benefits.

Let's start at the beginning...

Neil Gaiman, a British writer of much renoun, decided to be a great man of the pen. In fact, I would say he is one of the best novelists out there today, one top of the heap with Chuck Palhanuik and Stephen-Freaking-King.

His works include American Gods and Anansi Boys, both epic tales of theology and magic in our modern world.

His wry humor and graphic visuals paint a vivid picture that stays in the mind long after the words are forgotten. I often quote his witticisms to my friends and claim to have been brilliant enought to conjour them on my own.

I'll admit to the lies later. I want my damn fifteen minutes.

Anyway, let's drag this conversation in a different direction for a moment.

Most books that become movies suck. This is common knowledge.

Look no further than "The Lost World," or "Dreamcatcher" for prime examples of how NOT to make a book into a movie.

I especially loathe what happens to Stephen King novels when they reach the silver screen. It's as though all the good is removied surgically, replaced by a boat-load of suck and bad dialogue.

Some movies do break the mold from time to time. "Never Ending Story" actually stuck to the original plot quite fairly, and both the novel and film can be considered quite magical and awesome. But examples like this are the exeption, not the rule.

But something very special has occured at theaters near you. A movie of unmatched potential arrived and you probably didn't even know.

Neil Gaiman, as I previously mentioned, is quite the writer. His mezmerizing film Mirror Mask was a familiar story wrapped in a completely original and beautiful package. His books border on the macabre and in the most brilliant sense of the word.

So you can imagine my sense of anxiety when I learned they were making a movie based on one of his novels, and my relief when I learned he would be penning the screenplay.

And with Michelle Pfieffer and Robert DeNiro in on the action as well, I had high hopes.

And this movie exceeded them.

Let's talk visuals, because that's what draws many to fantasy films. This movie has both the mundane (little villages that don't quite impress the eye) to extreme (castles that stretch the imagination to its limit. The effects are gorgeous without being overwhelming, so don't expect "Lord of the Rings" style CGI.

The dialogue was excellent, full of Gaiman's trademark humor, which translates very well from page to screen. Each character has a unique voice and a well defined role. There don't appear to be many superfluous players or scenes. In fact, the flow of the whole film is smoother than one could imagine, given the fantasy fair we've been given as of late.

The acting was, on the whole, good. You could honestly beleive most of the actors fit in their respective roles. The only exception was Ricky Gervais (From "Extras"). He basically played himself, but he was funny enough that you didn't care.

Finally let's take a look at the story.

Overall? Excellent.

This is Neil Gaiman we're talking about.

You start with a simple tale of a boy going on a quest for the girl he loves. Sure, she's kinda mean and doesn't respect him at all, but this is puppy love.

In the subplot arena, we have a kingdom where the heirs are chosen for brutality rather than compassion, three witch sisters who've let the years sneak up on them, and a fallen star with a bad attitude.

I honestly can't recommend this movie enough. I'll let it speak for itself.

I give this movie nine enthusiastically shaken ferrets out of ten.

Go on, watch carefully.