Sunday, August 27, 2006

House of Boll: House of the Dead

It is said that the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making people think he didn't exist.

I will not say that German director Uwe Boll is the Devil. But I fear he does his work.

I was young when I wandered into a Blockbuster in search of a film to watch one bleak summer night. I pulled a crisp plastic case from the "new release" rack and skimmed the title:


I laid the prurient psuedo skin-flick back down and sauntered on. A while down the road, something caught my eye.

It looked like they had taken a video game and made a movie! The gamer in me rejoiced, while the realist (then only a tiny voice who had yet to reach puberty) warned against such endeavors. I did not know the director, but that didn't matter. It was a zombie movie, and a game movie.

It had to be good.

To this day, it is regarded as the second greatest mistake ever made.

I watched the entire "film" dumbfounded. I took in every misguided, unfocused minute of the raw essence that was Uwe Boll's "House of the Dead." I was so sure that I had missed some essential part that I watched special features too.

What I saw inspired this site. What I saw made me realize that some movies are never meant to be seen, and only a few--a sad, unlucky few--must ever bear witness to the effluence that was those films.

I was taught in school never to bash a film. A review should be "elevator safe." This means that I would feel comfortable saying these comments to the director's face in an elevator.

Well the odds that I shall ever be in a confined space with Mr. Boll are slim, and slimmer still is the probability that those precious moments in his proximity would be sullied by my mentioninng ever having heard his name or seen his filth.

This movie made me weep for cinema. Everything that can be done wrong, even things that have NEVER been done wrong, were DONE WRONG.

The acting was...........well, there wasn't any. And there were actors in this film. You will be able to find them in other films acting very well.

The lighting was......wrong. I can't explain it any better than that. The whole film felt too.....unlit.

The make-up, or lack thereof, took a lot from the experience. The "zombies" looked as though they died from being stuffed in potato sacks and made to act in a terrible cinematic abortion.

Even the music, usually the easiest thing to get right by mistake, was atrocious at times.

I think there were two moments that really took me to another world of loathing this film, and I wish to share them with you:

One: Mr. Boll, in his infinite creative wisdom (read: conference with the Beast) put actual footage of the GAME in the film. No, I'm not joking. These shots do not add to the story, they just reenforce the idea that this film was made by a four-year-old with his father's camera, except four-year-olds shouldn't be lumped into the same category as Heir Boll.

Two: The odd, Matrix-like effects were either too odd for the scene or just too wrong for humanity. I threw up a little when, as characters were killed off, their images swirled and faded in "blood" red.

I would talk about the story, but there really is none to speak of. If I had to choose between reliving the events of watching that movie and actually going through a Max Brook's style zombie holocaust, I would break out by bat and crossbow and prepare to fight off the living dead.

My apologies to those of you who saw this film. I cannot express my sympathies any greater than saying this: You will die screaming, but your sacrifice will save millions.

I will end this "review" with a chilling thought: Uwe Boll still directs, and claims to only wish to film video game-inspired movies. He has his eyes set on the greatest works of our time. Gamers unite, and stop this fiendish source of excrement.

Pray for me, for I have not long this mortal coil. If "House of the Dead" was not enough, I actually watched "Alone in the Dark."

It was the worst movie ever made. And the day I tell that story, you will know why.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Amen. I too had the misfortune of watching that movie, however I was fortunate enough to watch it on television, and not have to pay to make myself stupider. The one thing you left out was the absurd fact that for the first half-hour of this movie, it was guaranteed that when a woman showed up onscreen you would see her breasts before she left. There didn't have to be any reason, just...breasts.