Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Not Evil Enough: Resident Evil

Video game movies are hard to come by. No, wait, check that. GOOD video game movies are hard to come by. In fact, let's review.

Mario Brothers: Ahhhhhh. That's-a spicy meat-a-ball.

Mortal Kombat: Goro looks like a ball of silly putty...filled with crappy acting.

Tomb Raider: Angelina, what were we talking about?

Doom: Did the Rock just rip someone in half? Awesome!

House of the Dead: Why? Just why?

Alone in the Dark: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Street Fighter: Didn't Van Dam fifty years ago?

So you can see the competition for a good movie from a game isn't exactly stellar. In fact, in some countries, mentioning "Alone in the Dark" is punishable by a severe beating delt by a large Albanian woman (not just in Albania). I was at a dorm a while ago and someone started talking about "Street Fighter." Goons leapt out of nowhere (seriously! Friggin' GOONS) and put him in a hurt locker.

I wasn't sure what that meant until then. It's pretty simple: Just a locker that's so small you can't get in without contorting like a pretzel, thus ensuring the "hurt" portion of the deal.

So what happens when a successful survival-horror franchise--THE survival-horror franchise--is brought to the big screen?'s not exactly what you'd think.

For those of you who are uneducated as to the Resident Evil games, allow me to enlighten you.

There is a corporation named Umbrella. It's bad. Real bad. It's public side makes awesome stuff for everyone, and it's so powerful that it made an entire city just to hold the support staff of its main facility.

On the inside, Umbrella tests out biological weapons, and its baby is the T-virus. This wicked little strain mutates living tissue, causing normal animals to become vicious killing machines. People suffer a worse fate: their skin dies, their organs become useless, and they eat the living. They become zombies.


So in the Umbrella town, Racoon City, a series of bizarre and brutal murders leads the STARS team to investigate. They find a mansion, puzzles, and enough dead people to fill an Eight Simple Rules audience.

The games were a huge success, and will continue on the next generation of gaming systems. But we aren't here to be game nerds (damn). We're here to discuss a movie.

A movie...with a hottie at the helm.

Milla Jovovich, the "perfect" girl from "Fifth Element" , rocks the set as Jane, an amnesia suffering damsel in distress with a lab full of the undead at her heels.

Let's forget for a second the video game, because the writer obviously did. Let's even forget how a good horror movie progresses, as the director was out of the loop.

Does anyone here know the rules about creating a horror movie (not the dumbass rules from "Scream". I mean the real rules).


I won't tell you what happens, because it's kinda cool. I just don't like it when horror movies run out of disposable faces.

"Resident Evil" had a good premise, and a great cast. The only problem was the writing moved the story too fast for a zombie flick, and stepped too far and too close to the game. The zombies most. Sometimes it's too obvious that they are people in bad make-up getting paid one dollar an hour.

On the plus side...Milla Jovovich.

However, when compared to "Alone in the Dark" and "Street Fighter", "Resident Evil" is actually...not bad. But it's by no means good. In fact, it's really kinda bad. But compared to the worst movie ever made, it really just needs some TLC.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go vomit because the words "Alone in the Dark" passed my lips.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

And the sequel????

But really...the original Resident Evil game was the scariest thing ever...until Dawn of the Dead.

Crap, and now that I brought that up, I won't be able to sleep tonight. I hate that movie.