Are We There Yet? : Transporter

I find it rather amusing that, so soon after a post regarding a videogame turning into a film, I write about a film that could easily be a videogame.

"Transporter" is probably the best definition of "dumb but awesome" action movies. It is so mind-numbingly entertaining that you just can't stop watching.

There has been an influx of euro-action movies over the last few years, with "Brotherhood of the Wolf" and "District 13." Jason Statham has risen through the ranks of action stardom in the States, from his "debut" in "Snatch" to his new release, "Crank."

Let's take a little look at this flick through the eyes of a gamer.

The opening scene involves showcasing his abilities in a car, and the setting is easy enough that he barely breaks a sweat. His first out of car experience introduces new characters and, eventually, his fighting abilities. As the movie progresses, he faces more and more badguys at one time, until a climactic boss battle challenges his skills.

He never gets hurt, though blood does appear on his face to show that he has taken damage.

He can swim under water for what seems like hours at a time, and perform Superman-like leaps and twists. He also appears to dodge bullets from time to time.

Oh yeah, as in any action movie, no one can shoot accurately but him.

Statham's British nature and manner of speaking mean he isn't suited to "go American" like Gibson or Crowe. He plays SAS agent Frank Martin, so basically he is a BAMF on par with James Bond, except he can drive like Dale Earnhart on crack.

The gunplay is more over-the-top than any Jon Woo film, and the chase scenes pump adrenaline directly into your cerebrum. It's a rush.

You may have noticed I haven't gotten into the plot as of yet. Well...there really isn't one to speak of. I can sum it up here without ruining anything for you.

SAS agent, fallen from grace, becomes a wheelman for hire.

He has rules, and never breaks them...until now.

Hot asian chick hates her dad, who smuggles people.

All that and a goofy French policeman make up a visual binge that fills you where you need to be filled.

I enjoyed the movie because I was raised on dumb action. I like the Ahnuld films and the Van Dam atrocities. I even watched Steven Segal movies, which is why I can't have children (I wasn't sterilized, I just can't bear to bring children into a world where he breathes the air).

I'm gonna give this one a hearty having-a-drink-at-a-bar-when-you-see-Kate Beckinsale-across-the-room-and-she-waves. I think that about wraps this whole thing into a neat little package.

Coming soon: Transporter 2 (OK, We're Here. Can We Leave Now?)