Thursday, September 21, 2006

The Top 10 Uses for Romanian Prostitutes: Bloodrayne


When a brilliant screenwriter passes off his work to a stellar director, a masterpiece is created.

When a somewhat bland script meets up with a talented auteur, a sleeper hit is born.

And if a dismal piece falls in the lap of a young and excitable visionary, a cult classic can happen.

But take any script and give it to Uwe Boll and you get....well, what's worse than "bad"?

Let me begin by saying that "Bloodrayne" is Uwe Boll's best film yet. I'll qualify that by reminding you he is still the worst director of film since Dziga Vertov (no offence to Vertov lovers, "Man With A Movie Camera" was not for me).

As far as plots go, this one ain't too shabby. Rayne (Kristanna Loken from T3)is a half-vampire--half-human hybrid (think Blade). She's a little bit leaky in the brainpan, as the saying goes, and she works at the circus with her....lesbian lover/obtuse friend/pointless extra until she manages to escape.

Once on the lam, she discovers that she hates other vampires and spends her time drinking their blood and killing them (not always in that order). Through absolutely no plot devices, she finds her way to a monastary and learns about the evil Kagan (Ben Kinglsey...seriously, they got him for this movie).

There are random fight sequences that serve to up the ante on the gore scale, a completely pointless sex scene, and more random snippits of dialogue that serve to remind you the actors in the film could be doing better things.

And let's take a look at this cast. It really boggles my mind at how Uwe manages to ensnare these folk. Michael Madsen (Kill Bill), Michelle Rodrigues (LOST), Meatloaf (from...you know...delicious Sunday dinners), and Billy Zane. These are all people who, at one time or another, were at the top of the Hollywood food chain. In fact, last time I checked, Michelle wasn't doin' too bad. Neither, for that matter, was Michael or Billy. And Meatloaf can do what he wants cause he's F'n Meatloaf.

The script is passable, written by the same crazy lady who penned "American Psycho." Granted, she hasn't hit much since then, but she put together a reasonable story line that precedes the game this is based on.

And let's not forget the game. Ever since "Super Mario Brothers" gave us bouncing plumbers and....well, more fun than I care to share with you now, video game movies have tried to have at least one scene with the actors performing a video game move.

"Mortal Kombat" had Johnny Cage's split-and-punch-to-the-crotch. "Tomb Raider" had the double-fisted (Double D) gunplay from Ms. Laura Croft. "Resident Evil" had....zombies. Of a sort.

So "Bloodrayne" is no different. Rayne carries two oddly shaped swords and uses them to turn enemies into sushi. This is where Uwe took the gore a little bit far.

Now I'm a guy, which means I automatically like several things: Explosions, Women, Sports, and of course, gratuitous violence. However, watching a man have a sword shoved through his cheek and out the back of his head, while mind-numbingly gory, was not my idea of entertaining.

The first couple of blood baths are fun, but after that it gets old. Rayne faces a never ending swarm of idiotic baddies whose sole purpous is to die painfully.

Also, and this is a small point of contention. This movie is based in or around the 1800s. For those of you who don't know, "Bloodrayne" the game was based in NAZI GERMANY. That's what made it so awesome. You were a dominatrix-esque vampire whose fetish was ripping the Third Riech a new one.

What is surprising is the special effects. While not great by any stretch, they are very passable for a cheesy horror flick. I found myself enjoying the vampire-death effect in a small but meaningful way.

But we would be remiss to forget that this is, indeed, an Uwe Boll epic. Which means there needs to be sex, and it needs to be pointless.

Kristanna Loken is a beautiful woman, and she possesses...great charm. But having her randomly attack and lustfully abuse a man, while fine in a few respects, made no sense whatsoever. There was no follow up, either, save a look passed between the two characters in the next scene.

Most of the movie is hard to follow, especially when you just took two NyQuil and are passing out in your chair. Rayne seems to move as fast as one can think, jumping from area to area in video game form, but without a necessary cut scene to explain the background.

I did not hate this movie, but that does not mean I recommend it. The lighting is passable, the script is.....original, but everything else falls short in a typical Uwe fashion. He just doesn't know movies. Or people. Or how to make cereal.

Some of you may have read the title and wondered, "WTF?" Allow me to explain.

Uwe Boll is a practical man, if nothing else can be said about him. He needed some naked women for one of his scenes so, rather than hiring some aspiring young actresses, he bought a few Romanian hookers.

I'm serious.

Anyway, after the "end" of the movie, but which I mean the trippy rehash of the bloodiest scenes, randomly placed after the final battle (in case you still had some lunch to lose), I smiled, nodded, and passed out. I guess that's the best I can ever expect from the viral entity Uwe Boll.

I'll give this movie a flirting-with-Kristanna Loken-when-she-suddenly-turns-into-the-Terminatrix-and-removes-your-spine-via-your-chode.

I'm gonna watch something terrible now. It's not that I want to.

It's so you don't have to.

1 comment:

Jarman said...

Yes, even though the sex scene was quite hot, I really wanted to cry seeing Ben Kingsley in this movie; that kinda ruined the gratuitous sex and violence for me.