Tuesday, September 19, 2006

My Special Hell: Alone in the Dark

I have seen the darkness, and its name is Boll.

From time immemorial, when the line of Good and Evil (the capital letter variety) was often crossed with lies and deceit, a lone figure kept the balance.

His name was Florine, and he was a Seraph of the Lord.

I'm guessing he was out sick the day Uwe Boll stepped out from behind his pile of fecal matter and pain and entered our world.

I usually try to throw a little gem of good humor in with my reviews, but here I cannot.

Here is where I draw the line:

"Alone in the Dark"

I can't actually express how bad this film is, but I will try.

Take every aspect of filmmaking, from the actors to the writing to the use of a gaff. Find every little nuance that goes into the production of a feature-length movie.

Now do it bass ackwards.
Then poo on it.
Then mail it to Hitler and have him add his own personal flavor.
Finally, bury it for a thousand years and perform sick and twisted rituals upon the ground until the souls of the damned engulf the final copy.

Now you have "Alone in the Dark" as directed by Kubrick.

To get the Uwe Boll version, multiply by a BILLION.

I hated this movie. Yes, I really can use the word "hate" here. Every second watching it was painful. I bled from the ears and anus, and that stains couches.

The "stars" of this movie include Stephen Dorff (Blade), Christian Slater (he's the guy who REALLY wants to be Jack Nicholson) and Tara Reid (Van Wilder). Every one of them should be ASHAMED to be in the listings.

Uwe Boll is a director who prides himself on taking video games and turning them into movies. What he is infamous for is taking beloved games and BURNING THEM AT THE STAKE.

Everything this man touches turns to ash before our eyes, but he continues. And since he films in Germany, he gets a huge government compensation that lets him make his filth for free (basically), meaning he can afford big-name actors and then ruin their careers.

Edward Carnby (Slater) was an orphan. Something crazy happened. Now demons are loose in our world, and some prophecy is being fulfilled.

That's the story, as far as I can remember. There are some relationships that don't make sense (a love triangle that doesn't exist but is hinted at) some "action" sequences that made me long for the lightning-paced "English Patient" and effects that use the same defenition of "special" as the Olympics of the same name.

My eyes bled.

The sound effects...THE SOUND EFFECTS...were attrocious. I felt offended by them. I wrote letters to the ACLU to have these sounds removed from effect CDs immediately. The lawsuit is pending on the case of my raped eardrums.

The writing....well, it was in English. Other than that I can barely speak of it. I think Uwe managed to secure the early drafts of the monkeys commissioned to rewrite the works of Shakespear.

Even the music was bad. The MUSIC. I ripped off an ear to get away from the horrendous, screeching notes of the soundtrack.

The CGI was awful; on par only with cheesy sci-fi films of the 80s and, perhaps, the septic tank of ILM's "D" squad. The monsters were horrible parodies of better creations, and their movements were jerky and never fit with the actors.

Finally, there is the direction. This I saved for last due to the fact that only with superb direction could this flop have become a cult favorite. Unfortunately for the lucky few of us who actually played the original "Alone in the Dark," Uwe Boll is not a superb director.

I wouldn't even give him a nod as a half-decent human being.

His idea of a tense action sequence is a slide show of flashes, action poses, and monster faces. I fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face, asking a defiant G-d how this man is not burning in the depths of hell for his bastardization of the cinematic arts.

I rate this movie being-kicked-repeatedly-in-the-groin-by-a-500-lbs-Albanian-prostitute-who-proceeds-to-stomp-on-your-junk-until-it-FALLS-OFF!

Or for you lady types, imagine giving birth to an elephant. An elephant covered in spikes.

This is, without a doubt, the worst movie ever made.

And Uwe Boll is still making them.

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