Thursday, September 07, 2006

Why I Gouged Out My Eyes: Starship Troopers 2


If someone ever suggests watching "Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation," question their fealty as a friend.

Nay, punch them in the throat and steal their lunch money.

This will go down as one of the lowest points in my viewing history. If I ever see a film of this caliber again, I will go clinically insane and be committed to a nice place with men in white suits and enemas.

In fact, while in the midst of this travesty, I longed for the comfort of an enema. An enema delivered by rocket engine, filled with tobasco sauce and pieces of glass.

This movie takes place about, oh, NEVER after the original movie. Some soldiers get caught in an outpost with bugs around them. But the real enemy...IS WITHIN!

Yeah. It's that bad.

No, wait. It's worse.

I can't explain how bad this film was. In fact, NO ONE can utter such words without bursting into flames and becoming THE BEAST!

But I digress.

Richard Burgi (The Sentinel) "stars" in this "film". His awesome facial expressions and one liners make this movie suck a little less.

A little.

I actually started this review in the middle of the movie, as I was sure it wasn't going to get any better.

It got worse.

By the end of the movie, I had tried to kill myself several times. My friends would have been there to help me, if they hadn't already leapt from the windows.

The acting in this film...was amazingly bad. I mean, there has been worse acting...in a high school play. MAYBE.

I longed for the days of "Dungeons and Dragons" whilst watching this. Seriously.

The one thing you can say is that this movie plays to cliches. There's the soldier who freaks out and says "we're all going to die!"; the sleazy soldier; the dumb-ass officer who gets people killed; the slut; the naive love interest; and the one soldier who actually gets things done is considered a washout.

The "action" in this movie is made into a stew of awful by the special effects. By special, I mean in the rufi-collata sense of the word. I felt physically abused by the crappy effects in this flick.

The rifles didn't fire blanks. BLANKS. The simplest of aciton movie props. Instead, they put teeny-tiny christmas lights in the muzzles and flipped them on and off, like some new parent trying out a failed disciplining technique.

Everyone I watched the movie with made excuses every five or six seconds to leave. One man actually left to perform physical acts of labor and told us to go on without him. He was the best actor of the night.

I won't give away the ending, not because I want you to watch this, but because the ending causes cancer. And I hate cancer.

I rate this movie...no. This movie doesn't get a rating. In fact, this movie is like being bitten by a dog with rabies, going to the doctor, finding out you have inoperable tumors in 90% of your body, then catching fire for no apparent reason, and being hit by a meteor. In the groin. On your birthday. Which is also Valentine's day.

I ordered this filth on Netflix, which is still a good service (shameless plug) and the first copy they sent me was broken. I assumed at the time that it was overwatched. But now I realize what happened.

The previous viewer watched this film and couldn't bear the thought of anyone else suffering through its plotless hour and half. So he broke it. And then committed sepuku. He was the lucky one. I will now cry myself to sleep.

While drinking Drano.

Maybe then I'll feel clean again.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

The part about the guns made me laugh out loud...even if it was true.

And your friend who went off to perform "physical" acts of labor.....yea, just fix that sentence. It gave me shingles.

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